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Worried for my bisexual daughter

Discussion in 'For Parents or Guardians of LGBT+ Children' started by AllyMum, Nov 23, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. AllyMum

    AllyMum Lurker

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    My 12 year old daughter came out to me and my husband as bisexual 9 months ago. As a family we are incredibly supportive of her and have told her our love for her is unconditional. She has also told a small group of friends at school - who are also supportive. Since then she has chosen not to tell anyone else and we respect her decision. However, this has made me very over sensitive to comments people make about being gay / bisexual. For the fierce homophobics I stay well clear. They are not the type of people I would associate with anyway. But today a friends daughter was speaking to me about an on-screen character being gay and how shocked she was about it. I challenged her and asked if she thought being gay was wrong. She said no but that it wasn’t normal!!! This upset me so much. I had come to accept that maybe people from older generations may have opposing views but not 15 year olds. It upsets me that my daughter is going to face prejudice like this on a regular basis and there is not much I can do to protect her. Does anyone else feel like this?
     
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  2. Bakabakabaka

    Bakabakabaka Bonefide pizza connoisseur
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    If everyone was the same the world would be boring. Its not really prejudice since she said that she didn't have a problem with them being gay she was just a bit suprised which you usually are when you see something slightly different to what you are used to ... thats ok as long as you don't discriminate against it. I'm not sure i see the problem there personally. I agree that you might be worried about your daughter but i really think this generation is a lot more progressive than the generations that proceeded it. I feel like we can often be drawn into the trap of being overly defensive and hunting for homophobia that just isn't there. I'm somewhat transgender (although have no intention of transitioning) and i would be suprised to see someone transitioning just because it's something you don't see every day that doesn't mean i exhibit any kind of homophobia.
     
    #2 Bakabakabaka, Nov 23, 2019
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2019
  3. AllyMum

    AllyMum Lurker

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    Thanks.
    I do realise that I could becoming overly sensitive to the issue. I just want people to be accepting of my amazing daughter no matter her sexual orientation. I don’t want them to think she’s not ‘normal’ - like my friends daughter said. I agree that the younger generation are more progressive which is why it shocked me today. Thanks for your reply.
     
  4. Thespis
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    Thespis Blithe Spirit
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    Hi there, AllyMum and welcome to the family - 61 year-old cis bi guy speaking.:) 

    I want to start off by offering you a big hug of thanks for being there for your girl. She's lucky to have such a great mum in her corner! :skype-heart: 

    You're feeling what every supportive parent of an LGBT+ kid feels: suddenly more acutely aware of how subtle and all-pervasive anti-queer prejudice is in society - and it's entirely natural that you should. You're going to be noticing it all over the place from now on, cos since your daughter came out to you, your radar is ON, and there ain't no off switch!

    The fact is, though, no matter how much they may want to, no parent can ever totally protect their child from all the potential nasties out there in the world. All you can hope to do is to keep on being there for her. For a queer kid, nothing beats knowing that your parent(s) are on your side. With you at her back, she will learn how to face down and deal with the haters and idiots, and she will become strong, sure and confident in her identity.

    In other words, just carry on as you are doing. The prejudice will always stick in your craw, but as time goes on you will learn how to process it so it doesn't make your blood boil every time, so you can stay calm and on top of any argument, and treat it with the cool contempt it deserves. This is important, because getting too obviously riled up too often might actually embarrass your girl.

    Something tells me you are going to be a formidable ally. I pity anyone foolish enough to pick a fight with you! ;) 
     
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  5. AllyMum

    AllyMum Lurker

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    Thank you Thespis
    You have made me feel so much better about things. I’ve been having a tough day with my thoughts...and your reply has helped.
     
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  6. Jo A
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    Welcome to wonderful place and another loving hug (Thespis hugs better than I do).

    I am older non binary person who accepted myself at 62.

    As long as your daughter keeps loving and accepting who and what she is and has your wonderful loving support, she will be going great.

    The world is not perfect but there is a lot of good out there.

    I am thankful you are part of her life and part of the good.

    Peace be with you all - Jo
     
  7. Thespis
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    Thespis Blithe Spirit
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    Objection! Nobody hugs better than Jo, and everyone round here knows it! :D 
     
  8. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    If you were to ask "what would have helped you growing up?" you can be sure that I and many others here would answer "a caring and understanding parent". If you never lacked that you can't possibly imagine the world of good you've done your daughter when you told her (in other words) "I accept and love you for being you".

    Just today I had a long conversation with my boss about the myriad of health problems I have that prevent me from doing my job the way I want to do it and how they were given to me by my abusive and negligent parents who failed to do their jobs...I cried, she cried...it was a mess...to come home and read that somewhere out there there's a 12 year old girl that will never have to know how that feels like makes my heart sing so in the name of all of us who never had someone worthy of the title of parent, I thank you for being there for your child and doing your job...and don't get me wrong, your job is not to protect her against the world or to make people around her accept her for who she is...your job is to give her a safe space to come home to when the world out there is less than perfect, and you are doing your job :) 


    Of course now you're going to be more raw when it comes to LGBT intolerance; it's not that you didn't care before but now you're invested. As a parent of a genderfluid kid who's been bullied in school I know that anger and that burning desire to just clear a path in from of your child so that they can just be safe but that's not realistic and my kid has been doing far better than I ever could to disarm the bullies...you teach them the best you can and then you hope they are smarter than you :) 

    Also, just to be perfectly clear, anywhere else you can be an ally mum but in here, you're family ;) 



    Ok kids, that's it. Make a hug-off thread and solve this! ;) 
     
  9. Jo A
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    This is what I love about this site - We are family and today that is not always easy to fine.

    In a time of Thanksgiving this group has given me what I missed when I was young and that is a caring family.

    AllyMum is now part of our family and we are luck to have her.


     
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  10. angel70
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    angel70 The Old Guy
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    I never saw much value in normality. It' not "normal" to be left-handed or red-headed. For that matter, it's not "normal" to be superior in any particular way -- to have unusual intelligence, or some pronounced talent. "Normal," after all, means "average." "Normal" is boring.

    Teens are under tremendous pressure to conform to their immediate peer group's folkways and attitudes -- being "different" is threatening because it might lead to loss of peer approval. When they escape the strictures of their local microcultures -- by going to college, for example -- their attitudes often change a lot.

    Chances are, ;your friend's daughter is not especially homophobic -- just imagining how her friends might react if they though she were gay, and never suspecting that some of the people she interacts with every day are closeted LGBT. Unless she spends her life in a small, conservative town or brainwashed by some conservative church, she'll probably come around. With all the prominent people who are out these days, being gay or bi really is being "normalized" at a rapid pace.

    Also, it can help a lot when a school has a Gay-Straight Alliance -- and a lot of the larger schools are doing that now. It provides a supportive atmosphere for LGBT kids, including those not yet ready to be out.
     
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