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Why do I have to tell anybody?

Discussion in 'Questioning & General LGBT' started by MetalHeadJames1968, Sep 19, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. MetalHeadJames1968

    MetalHeadJames1968 Better late than never
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    So, here’s my question. If I honestly and truly just don’t want to “come out” - why should I? Isn’t coming out something one does for themselves anyway, and if it’s not important to me then why? Here’s a little (ok long) back story.
    I am 50, and have been a single dad raising three daughters on my own for the last 14 years. During that time I RARELY dated anybody (men or women) and if/when I did go out, it was just something I did for me and didn’t see any point of informing fiends and family of my comings and goings. In 2005 when I became a single dad, I made the conscious choice that I would dedicate all of my energy and love on raising my girls, keeping them safe and secure, and do everything in my power to help them grow into well adjusted, happy and healthy and vibrant young women. My oldest (29) is married and has moved across the country with her husband for his career and we are all hoping grandkids will be coming along soon. My middle daughter (23) lives in a nearby city with her long time boyfriend, they are both attending the local state college where she will receive her BA this year, and they both have full time jobs. My youngest (20, will be 21 in a month) still lives at home with me, will be graduating from the local community college at the end of the fall semester with her AA and her Master Auto Mechanic certification, and I anticipate that she’ll also move out around that same time. I’m not pushing her out and she can live here as long as she feels it’s right for her.
    So, for all intents and purposes I will probably be an empty nester within the next several months. As I said, I very rarely dated over the last 14 years, I’d maybe go out and have some fun 1-2 times a year and that was it - and I never involved them in my personal/sexual side of my life. As I said l, I have absolutely ZERO regrets and am proud of the choices and sacrifices I have made in order to be the best father I felt I needed to be. But now that I’ll be “on my own” I’ve started branching out more lately and embracing who I am as a 50 year old gay man - but again, I honestly don’t really feel it important to share any of that with my girls or the rest of my family. I’m not living a lie and trying to appear as someone I’m not by dating women or anything like that, I just never really dated before now. And I truly don’t want a full on relationship either...I just want to make some new friends, explore my sexuality (maybe play a little catch up in the sex department and try some new things, and just enjoy my “new normal/just me” life. I want to keep my sexuality to myself (and those that I’ll share some naked time with of course) but my sex life is for me, and I only want it for me. I’m not ashamed or scared or anything like that, I just honestly don’t want to let others (family) in to that part of my life.
    So why are some of the guys I meet, and a couple of my female friends, completely flabbergasted that I won’t “come out”? Why is it so important to them if it’s not to me?
    Thanks for listening and I look forward to hearing what you have to say on this.
     
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  2. Alsthom
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    Alsthom Princess Chick Pea
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    I think you are absolutely right. If you don't want to come out, then don't!
    It is your business only, and you don't have to explain it to anyone.
     
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  3. Thespis
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    Thespis Blithe Spirit
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    Alsthom said it, man - and everyone else here will say it, too. You don't have to come out - ever - if you don't feel like it or see any benefit in it. :) 
     
  4. Jessica45
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    Jessica45 Bisexual genderfluid slightly insane
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    I’m bisexual married to a woman and in the closet. I’m faithful to my wife and see no benefit in coming out to her. I think she suspects but we are in sort of a don’t ask don’t tell
    Situation. I’m not with guys so it’s not really an issue. I take care of my gay side through this site and some other harmless things. It should be up to the person to come out or not
     
  5. BiBiLife
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    BiBiLife Whatsername
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    There's no need to tell anyone. It's your own business.
     
  6. mike300

    mike300 Reliable Advisor
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    i agree with the above...i dont feel the need to come out...my wife knows my needs but not in details..
     
  7. MetalHeadJames1968

    MetalHeadJames1968 Better late than never
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    Thank you all for your comments! Nice to feel some “confirmation” and acceptance.
     
  8. Thespis
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    Thespis Blithe Spirit
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    ...so when you coming out, then? :D  ;) 
     
  9. MetalHeadJames1968

    MetalHeadJames1968 Better late than never
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    I have it planned for the 32nd of Febvemtober.
     
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  10. Thief King Bakura
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    Hey there James, I've read your post and you're right, you DON'T HAVE TO COME out if you don't want to. Maybe at such time you find a partner that you will be happy with and with his/their support, then maybe you can come out to your family if you want to. Otherwise you don't have to. You deserve to be happy in any capacity that suits you. Dating is not the end all, be all. There are many different flavors of living a fulfilling life. I'm still looking my flavor myself. Sure, I'd love to date someone but I'm not letting it be the sole purpose of life. If you want to try dating, do it. If not, that's ok too. Ultimately it's up to you what you do.
     
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  11. Jessica45
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    Jessica45 Bisexual genderfluid slightly insane
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    On the plus side, I’m out to everyone on this forum. In fact, I’m an open book
     
  12. MetalHeadJames1968

    MetalHeadJames1968 Better late than never
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    Well fair point - technically I am out to all of you.
    And that’s exactly my point in all this - I am out to those that I choose to share that part of my life with. And have no desire to share it with those who have no part in that side of things. It’s not that I’m hiding it, lying about it, or pretending to date women while being secretive in my desire for men. I simply just choose not to share it and enjoy it on my own terms.
     
  13. cjmiller391

    cjmiller391 Hot Cookie
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    I think the only person you need to be honest with is yourself. If you don't want to come out you should have too.
     
  14. MetalHeadJames1968

    MetalHeadJames1968 Better late than never
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    My feelings exactly! I’m am completely honest with myself about who I am and my sexuality. And that’s how I view it: “MY” sexuality. I’ll share it with those that I feel that I would like to be a part of it. I’m enjoying the fact that I’m finally ready and able to embrace it and get out there, make some new friends, maybe have some “fun” more than once or twice a year (that was by choice - I knew that one day eventually I’d have the desire, the time, and opportunity to start really enjoying this side of who I am, so it didn’t bother me one bit). And besides, my sexuality doesn’t define me, no more than other aspects of my life really - do I tell my friends and family how much I have in my bank account? No. Do I share that I need to eat more fiber so o stay regular to people I meet out on the town or with my coworkers? No. I don’t feel like I need to share everything with everybody. I’m selective with who and what I share. If I have a person that I want to know I tell them. Otherwise it’s “mine” and for my enjoyment.
     
  15. zen

    zen Curator, Royal Academy of Inappropriate Handshake
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    I think this is the key point of this discussion. As long as we are not deceiving someone with any ulterior purposes, our sexuality is our own and no one else's business.

    BTW, you seems like a super great dad. I hope you will have your free time ahead to be very fulfilling and enjoyable.
     
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  16. MetalHeadJames1968

    MetalHeadJames1968 Better late than never
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    Thank you! That has been the plan, the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. I’m really enjoying my new found focus on the that part of my life and have thus far met some great guys and shared some good times, and am excited about what’s to come and the experiences that are on the horizon.

    And thank you for the parenting compliment. It’s nice to hear and feel a sense of validation, for my choice (that I’d make again in a heartbeat) to raise my beautiful daughters first and set them off into those world on a good path, with joy, courage and love as their guides. Now I’m on my own journey and am having a blast on the trip.
     
  17. zen

    zen Curator, Royal Academy of Inappropriate Handshake
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    There will be filled with the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel for a guy so loving and royal, or I will have my bit of faith remaining in this world completely crushed! lol Since I used to be a kid who was abandoned by his farther and raised solely by his mother, who declined proposals and didn't remarry or dated anyone, I've seen how hard it must have been for you to achieve what you have done (funny my mom had 3 sons to raise whereas you had 3 daughters). Great to hear you are having a blast!
     
  18. ConfusedButHappy
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    ConfusedButHappy Bi (and no longer a closet dweller)
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    I've been thinking about "coming out" a lot recently. Then I realised, I am out. I'm not forcing myself to act differently/hide and if someone were to ask me about my sexuality I'd answer (I refuse to lie). The world doesn't have to know. I know, and that's enough.

    From that perspective, I can understand your decision :) 

    As devil's advocate: In some situations, coming out can help others. You sound like an amazing dad and I know you'll be a great grandpa one day.
    In my situation, being raised in a very conservative environment, having a supportive gay grandpa as a role model would have changed my life.

    However, I'm sure you can still be a positive and supportive role model without coming out to the world ;) 
     
  19. Pixie Poodle
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    Pixie Poodle Pixie
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    There is a difference between 'coming out' and 'keeping your feelings secret'.
    'Coming out' is in general associated with a public declaration while 'Keeping secrets' has many more nuances to it.
    Are you able (since this is anonymous) to voice what you think you will do if your now undeclared preferences become public knowledge?
    From what you have said there are clearly a number of people both within and out of your family who know how you feel.
    In every case you should be able to do what you want in the matter of what the world should know about your private life.
    This response is only because you really did pose a question.
    I have to believe you have already ordered your mind around how you will act but on the slight chance you have not, I ask you to think about it out loud.
     
  20. MetalHeadJames1968

    MetalHeadJames1968 Better late than never
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    Appreciate the feedback. And yes, I do have a select group of friends who know about my sexuality, two are FWB’s that have known for a while, and the other is a woman I have known for almost 20 years and is essentially my confidant, my “person”...we have been there for each other through a lot of hard times and a lot of great times. These are the people I CHOSE to invite into that part of my world/my life. I’m sure I’ll meet others I’d be happy to share that info with down the line. But as far as “publicly coming out to the world” was more of what I was referring to in my initial post/query. My sexuality or who I’m attracted to does not define me, no more than the color of my eyes, or whether or not I liked the latest Star Wars movie (I did by the way hehe). My actions, my compassion, my integrity and loyalty should be what defines me as a person - and I do truly try and convey those qualities to everyone in my life.
    To me it doesn’t seem like it would be impactful to my life in any way to make an announcement to the world, or my children, parents, or others that I am gay - it’s the same (In my humble opinion) as why would it be necessary for somebody to stand up and tell their sister or brother, cousin or coworker “hey, I’m straight”. It’s just one part of who I am, and it’s a part that I choose to share with only those people I want to and feel should be part of that piece of my life. The rest, well - they can guess, assume, or ignore whatever instinct they have or vibe I might be giving off...but bottom line, I don’t think I should be defined by a label and somebody else’s definition of that label, whether right, wrong, or indifferent. And as I continue to embrace my new found freedom to broaden my experiences and seek out new adventures, I’ll invite people along who only I care to have along for the ride.
     

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