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We Are the Generation That Doesn't Want Relationships

Discussion in 'General (Off Topic)' started by Sweety, Oct 3, 2018.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Sweety

    Sweety Pollyanna
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    We want a second coffee cup in our Instagrams of lazy Saturday mornings, another pair of shoes in our artsy pictures of our feet. We want a Facebook official relationship every one can like and comment on, we want the social media post that wins #relationshipgoals. We want a date for Sunday morning brunch, someone to commiserate with during the drudge of Mondaze, a Taco Tuesday partner, someone to text us good morning on Wednesday. We want a plus one for all the weddings we keep getting invited to (how did they do it? How did they find their happily ever after?). But we are the generation who doesn’t want a relationship.

    We swipe left in hopes of finding the right person. We try to special order our soulmate like a request on Postmates. We read 5 Ways to Know He’s Into You and 7 Ways to Get Her to Fall For You, in hopes of being able to upcycle a person into a relationship like a Pinterest project. We invest more time in our Tinder profiles than our personalities. Yet we don’t want a relationship.

    We “talk” and we text, we Snapchat and we sext. We hangout and we happy hour, we go to coffee and grab a beer – anything to avoid an actual date. We private message to meet up, we small talk for an hour only to return home and small talk via text. We forgo any chance of achieving real connection by mutually playing games with no winner. Competing for “Most Detached”, “Biggest Apathetic Attitude”, and “Best at Being Emotionally Unavailable”, what we end up actually winning is “Most Likely to Be Alone”.

    We want the façade of a relationship, but we don’t want the work of a relationship. We want the hand holding without the eye contact, the teasing without the serious conversations. We want the pretty promise without the actual commitment, the anniversaries to celebrate without the 365 days of work that leads up to them. We want the happily ever after, but we don’t want to put the effort in the here and now. We want the deep connection, while keeping things shallow. We long for that world series kind of love, without being willing to go to bat.
    We want someone to hold our hand, but we don’t want to put the power to hurt us in their hands. We want cheesy pick up lines, but we don’t want to be picked up… for that involves the possibility of being set down. We want to be swept off our feet, yet at the same time remaining safely, independently, standing on our own. We want to keep chasing the idea of love, but we don’t want to actually fall into it.

    We don’t want relationships – we want friends with benefits, Netflix and chill, nudes on Tinder. We want anything that will give us the illusion of a relationship, without being in an actual relationship. We want all the rewards and none of the risk, all of the payout and none of the cost. We want to connect – enough, but not too much. We want to commit – a little, but not a lot. We take it slow: we see where it goes, we don’t label things, we just hang out. We keep one foot out the door, we keep one eye open, and we keep people at arm’s length - toying with their emotions but most of all toying with our own.

    When things get too close to being real, we run. We hide. We leave. There’s always more fish in the sea. There’s always another chance at finding love. There’s just such a little chance of keeping it these days…

    We hope to swipe right into happiness. We want to download the perfect fit like a new app - that can be updated every time there’s a hitch, easily compartmentalized into a folder, deleted when we have no more use for it. We don’t want to unpack our baggage – or, worse, help someone unpack theirs. We want to keep the ugly behind the coverup, hide the imperfections with an Instagram filter, choose another episode on Netflix over a real conversation. We like the idea of loving someone despite their flaws; yet we keep our skeletons locked in the closet, happy to never let them see the light of day.
    We feel entitled to love, like we feel entitled to full time jobs out of college. Our trophies-for-everyone youth has taught us that if we want something, we deserve it. Our over-watched Disney VHSs taught us true love, soul mates, and happily ever after exist for everyone. And so we put in no effort, and wonder why our prince charming hasn’t appeared. We sit around, upset that our princess is no where to be found. Where is our consolation prize? We showed up, we’re here. Where’s the relationship we deserve? The true love we’ve been promised?

    We want a placeholder, not a person. We want a warm body, not a partner. We want someone to sit on the couch next to us, as we aimlessly scroll through another newsfeed, open another app to distract us from our lives. We want to walk this middle line: pretending we don’t have emotions while wearing our heart on our sleeve, wanting to be needed by someone yet not wanting to need someone. We play hard to get just to test if someone will play hard enough – we don’t even fully understand it ourselves. We sit around with friends discussing the rules, but no one even knows the game we’re trying to play. Because the problem with our generation not wanting relationships is that, at the end of the day, we actually do.
     
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  2. angel70
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    angel70 The Old Guy
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    That was extraordinarily well written -- genuinely literary. I'm impressed!
     
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  3. Neverminder

    Neverminder Lurker

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    This is fantastic! Bravo!
     
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  4. zen

    zen Curator, Royal Academy of Inappropriate Handshake
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    You have expressed the essence of your generation in the rhythm and combination of the true words in a flow!
     
    #4 zen, Oct 4, 2018
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2018
  5. Starry~<3

    Starry~<3 Lurker

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    Well...shit. Keep it real, because that was sad, but true. Cant seem to hold a real relationship because people dont want one. Sad but true.....sad but true....
     
  6. Morfar
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    Morfar (10+13)/2=11.5%(225)=26amps
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    I want to find someone to shackup with till I die
     
  7. SixthTitan
    Wired

    SixthTitan Made with awesome sauce
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    this is a pretty huge generalization and quite frankly an inaccurate statement.

    I am absolutely none of those things which means that i can't be included in such a broad statement. I have no doubt that there are others who don't do some ircall of the things that you have simply generalized.

    please refrain from making any generalized statements like that without evidence to back up your own statement.

    it hurts the community of put someone in a box with checkmarks and prejudice them like that.

    Sixth

    Sent from my Moto Z3 Play using Tapatalk
     
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  8. Luke Love
    Caffeine Fix

    Luke Love Impending Disaster Anticipator
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    I can't say I agree with this entirely.

    For a large portion of our generation, yes, I would actually say that the majority of this post rings true. There is a great sense of self-preservation and a desire to avoid attachment in many. Those people generally use technology to keep themselves wrapped in an un-poppable bubble which no-one else is allowed into. The social media, the Netflix, the scrolling endlessly and mindlessly through Reddit, anything to occupy the mind and body enough to make themselves inaccessible but without requiring the application of any hard wrought skills.

    This makes these people emotionally unavailable. Leaves them emotionally under-developed. Makes them hazardous.

    I am not one of these people. I can say that honestly through self-reflection and analysis, not because I don't want to be part of the generalisation. I have spent all of my relationships with individuals who do come into that large majority described above. For people like me, those people are dangerous, damaging and disastrous. Their detachment hurts. Their disinterest in a real connection cuts us more painfully that any knife could. Their 'sex would be great sometimes, if I can be bothered but let's not like each other too much while we do it' attitude destroys our sense of self-value slowly but surely over time.

    We, the smaller half, know that the Disney true love can't exist. It's not realistic and we accept that. I've spent hours, days, weeks of my life attending to books, audios and videos trying to learn and develop myself in how I approach and behave in relationships, assuming that the problem must be me. That I'm the weak link. But I've come to realise that no, I'm not. The other person is. The other person that fits the above description is. They like that they have a boyfriend in me, but they don't want to know me. They don't want to talk to me. They don't want to be bothered. They don't want sec until they want it. They don't want me. I'm too real. Too much of a person. I'm not a piece of technology that they can pick up and put down. So I don't fit what they really want enough to be valued.

    It's murderous. I'm dying. We're dying. Inside. We're smiling on the outside still because how couldn't we? How can we explain to someone that there is something wrong when they have what they want so can't see any errors. There's a human error here. Not a 404 ERROR so it doesn't compute for them. They label us dramatic, needy, dependent, bothersome, as if our desire to know them, invest time and attention into them, to listen to them, to learn their history, to discover how we can work together best are all negative things. Things that they don't want. So how can you raise the issues? How can you communicate to improve things? They don't want to. They don't see the need to. They want us to shut up, pick our phones up and log into Facebook and be quiet. Sure, share the occasional meme with them. But only comment lol. Don't laugh out loud. That might pop the bubble and force interaction.

    Us, the smaller, less significant half, the half that are struggling because of this. We implore those who fit into the above passage to pop their bubbles. We're pleading you. Because we're young but we're old and tired and dying inside from our lack of genuine connection. It's why I'm on this forum. My boyfriend fits the above passage. And I'm starving. I can't get the human connection I need, the conversation, the interaction, the value, the listening, the actual love.

    So please, put your phones down, talk to us. We're all around. We're probably on our phones too. Because we've run out of ideas so are trying to blend in. Turn off Netflix and interact with us. We don't care what's on. We're sat watching blindly while desperate thoughts whirl in our heads, trying to work out what's wrong with us that you don't want us properly. Why you won't reciprocate when we've tried so hard to make ourselves available to you, just to be rebuffed and rejected. But not entirely. Because you're still here. Sort of here. Here but gone. Present but absent. For us...
     
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  9. Crystalwolf

    Crystalwolf Hot Cookie
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    Your thinking... I find it intriguing. And I think, a touch enlightening. Thank you for sharing this with us.
     
  10. trainer

    trainer Hot Cookie
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    Thanks for the lovely writing. I really enjoyed reading it. Some readers might consider this a generalization, as some have already pointed out, and I do think it is. But it doesn't take away from the quality of the post :) 
     
  11. mr.Nay Nay
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    mr.Nay Nay Reliable Contributor
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    this is very deep and very understandable.
     
  12. Sweety

    Sweety Pollyanna
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    Thank you
    --- Double Post Merged, Nov 27, 2018 ---
    Thanks for the encouragement
     
    #12 Sweety, Nov 27, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2018
  13. The Alien
    Alienated

    The Alien Addictive Contributor
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    Hi, Luke Love , hope you will get the e-mail alert and return to the forum. I agree to your statement completely and I am also willing to communicate. There is a real problem. Maybe we are an anachronism now, maybe we are still young but also too old, I don't know.
     
  14. Evah

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    I am quiet impressed by this post, and obviously seeing judgemental comments labeling this as bad or unwanted, etc. but personally I’d say let people decide who they want to be with, may be today some are in so-called shallow relationship, and you they are unsatisfied, wanting something more, may be in the process they find out more about what you actually want or need, and perhaps end up in a more fulfilling relationship.

    Or may be in the process one finds out that after getting that deep relationship, that they want something else, something less or something more, or may be they think that nothing is ever enough for them.

    Actually, in my opinion I see that people from both ends of the spectrum have some sort of image of how relationship should be or shouldn’t be, the ones who want closeness are attached to that idea, and the ones who want shallowness are also attached to that idea, if both can let go of their attachment may be they can have something beautiful together, I don’t know.

    I think I’d fit in the description of this post, not because I think shallowness is objectively better, but I really dislike expectations, keeping a distance would lower expectations, while being close brings more and more expectations, and the relationship just becomes another fulltime job.
     
  15. E.DEN
    Balanced

    E.DEN GAYmini
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    The main reason I'm single (and still virgin) is because I do take feelings and relationships (very) seriously while most my age don't... Sure some will but I haven't met them, or they're taken, or we don't click...

    I was about to leave my country for my ex, which would be a huge risk and I'm glad I didn't now cause she dumped me (and many of her lies got revealed) imagine if she dumped me while I was in a strange country with literally nothing... Now I have a good job, made more money and will soon move out (away from my abusive "family") my ex before her cheated on me with a man... You'd think I'd be bitter about love, even friendships (had some really fake friends too) but no, I continue to give chances, I even developed a new crush... It makes me feel dumb like I already know I will get hurt again but it's worth the risk. I just want someone to complete me, make me feel at peace... I will find her in that big sea of fake bitches, one day... And I will get tricked into thinking I found her and giving everything, but I rather get screwed over than not putting enough effort into Miss Right
     
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  16. Crystalwolf

    Crystalwolf Hot Cookie
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    You know, a thought dawned on me about this.

    Perhaps we keep our ideals in our minds, but believe that to attain these situations, we must be more perfect. Until that perfection is achieved, we lock our hearts away behind a wall of iron, through which not one may pass.

    Someone cute is clearly into us. But that second word, prefixing them, and our feelings about them, fails to escape our brutally active mind's eye. We avoid this situation, fearing that any escalation wouldn't be for reasons we deemed right. Ours is not the way of a trail of broken hearts or callous and self-serving choices, but is guilty of being totalitarian or tyrannical in self-judgement of what introspection yields. Are we so determined to treat others right, that we would commit to this sort of self-harming, even while our peers pair up around us everywhere we look?

    We see pain on the horizon.
    And we will not toy with a heart, though we could.
    We are determined. If we shall pluck ones heartstrings, then let that song be an honest one. Otherwise, a void of silence is more pure.

    And so we wander on, alone.
     
    #16 Crystalwolf, Feb 5, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2019
  17. Jëllë

    Jëllë <Molniya>
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    I just couldn't say it better.

    Sent from my SM-J330F using Tapatalk
     
  18. Sweety

    Sweety Pollyanna
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    Am sad to heard about your story and glad to know you are doing great in your life after that.. And hope soon you meet someone who deserves you :) 
     
  19. Stacy Darling

    Stacy Darling Curious Explorer
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    I of "The older generation" get where next gen is coming from and going to!
    I would have done similar and may still? Times have changed!
    Stacy!
     
  20. Sweety

    Sweety Pollyanna
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    Yes many times time changes but things don't
     

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