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"Using" men for babies? And what about raising them?

Discussion in 'Group Discussions' started by concerneddyke, Aug 15, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. concerneddyke

    concerneddyke Greenhorn

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    I want to chat with someone who is in the process of getting or already has children with their same-sex partner.
    My situation has two sides to talk about: I am currently engaged and we both very much want to have many biological children together. Our economical situation is fine for the two of us but not even close enough to be able to go through any kind of treatment in order to have children with the help of medical professionals. This may not be a popular option, but I know some lesbians who have had one night stands with men, got pregnant, and have their child that way. We are leaning towards something similar (maybe not as risky when it comes to STDs and possible genetic diseases) but I wanted to know if anyone has experience this or knows where I could go to talk about this?
    The second side may be controversial but I hope can lead to positive discussion. I don't wish any harm or offense, I am a naturally critical and reflexive person and this is just my opinion.
    When it comes to raising children in a same-sex household, the studies that show that these children are fine or even better-off than heterosexual households are hardly scientific, so I can't give them much weight. Not to say that children from same-sex households always have bad experiences, but I have met too many children resulting from gay parents that in some way feel like they missed out by not having the opposite sex around daily in their upbringing.
    Is there anyone here that is willing to talk about this with me? I am simply curious to see if people agree or disagree (that in itself is an interesting conversation to have), or if people have thought about this already and what their ideas are. Better yet, are there any parents that have these worries, and what have you done about it?
     
  2. Thespis
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    Thespis Blithe Spirit
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    Just my personal musings here...

    I may be showing a massive level of ignorance here, but as regards the business of impregnation, AFAIK it shouldn't be necessary to resort to either extreme: i.e. actually having sex with the father/sperm donor on one hand, or getting medical/fertility clinic people involved on the other. Back in the day, I can recall Lesbian friends talking about getting a male friend to ...er... "knock one out" into a sterile plastic pot and then immediately applying the stuff to the cervix by means of a turkey-baster. I dunno how successful this technique actually was, but it must have worked for some! :) 

    As for the second matter (and just to be clear, I speak as someone who has never fathered a child nor ever wanted to)... I guess it's always going to be a difficult area, especially for those Lesbians who, for personal or political reasons, just don't want men around, period, but IMHO it's important for every child to be exposed to positive role models of all genders and descriptions.
     
  3. concerneddyke

    concerneddyke Greenhorn

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    Hey Thespis, I appreciate your thoughts regardless of experience!

    That is true, there is that middle ground with the turkey baster perhaps. I'm going to look into it further, because I guess it does work at some point? I have the distinct impression the turkey baster insemination is just At-home inseminations. The problem there for us is finding the donor, and a nice middle ground of a man who wouldn't mind fathering a child and revealing his medical history to us while not being considered legally the father. It can get complicated in the future...

    And that touches on my other interest/worry. I couldn't agree more with your last sentence, children should be exposed to both sexes on a daily basis in their upbringing. Men have a lot of positive things to teach children (as do women), and I don't think either sex is able to do a very good job as a surrogate for the opposite sex. So if you have a child via the turkey baster + donor, should he play a role in the childs life? My fiance is of the opinion that we should keep that door open as the child may feel as if something is missing in their lives that may be filled with the space of the donor/bio father. I feel somewhat hesitant simply for selfish reasons, but I have read too many testimonials from IVF/donor children who never met their bio father and suffered tremendously from it to reject the idea completely.
     
  4. Thespis
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    Thespis Blithe Spirit
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    Yeah. Again, stretching the bounds of my knowledge here, but I'd imagine that what's important for child development is regular/frequent contact with reliable, positive male role models. I don't think the biological father necessarily needs to be one of those role models.

    I dunno what the law is like in the USA, but in the UK, adopted kids and the children of sperm donors have the legal right to trace and get in touch with their bio dads. I guess the ideal answer might be for the chosen bio dad to sign a legal undertaking to be involved as a sort of secular godfather/favourite uncle character - but again, that wouldn't sit well with the "women only" Lesbians, would it?

    Knotty one, this.
     
  5. concerneddyke

    concerneddyke Greenhorn

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    "Knotty one", indeed it is!

    Well, we are far from women only lesbians, so I can't speak from there. As all things, in moderation - including living a healthy life and bringing up a healthy child. Extremes are unwelcome. Thanks for the input!
     
  6. Guarani
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    Guarani Addictive Contributor
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    You need a bit more than a one night stand to get pregnant, or you must be extremely lucky. You might need a hundred goes...


    Mind you, children want to know who there parents are at some point in their life, usually when they are teens and I would not recommend getting involved in lab situations with anonymous donors and such.
    I would try to find someone who is willing to play uncle or take on somewhat of a distant father role, so they know from the get go. That can save a lot of problems and hate towards you. Mind you, him getting involved emotionally can cause its own problems if he wants to claim the child. Get things in writing.

    But one should think very hard about why you want children. Do you "need" a child or do you want to be a parent to an individual and help it along on its journey?

    You see, even if it is your biological child, it s not a mini you and it is not there to make your(missed) dreams/missions come true, but its own.

    I find that some keep seeing their offspring as "their baby", never teaching them to be a responsible and worthy person. Your offspring is a person , even if it is in a tiny body at first, that you really need to guide to be independent and kind.
    This is not an attack, just something I noticed.

    I have been watching a programm that is called DNA unknown and it shows the heartship kids of unknown fathers go through. Some are 70 years old and still wondering who their father is. It IS important, it really is. And they WILL try to find out. So you better prepare for that. Don´t make up stories! Be frank with your kid. You wanted this, so be brave enough to tell the story.
    But, to be honest, a much wanted child has less problems accepting a "different" background than a kid that feels it was unwanted.



    You have to think further than "I want a baby" you have to think about what it will mean to be a parent. If you could cope with a disabled child, all the responsibilities...
     
  7. Benji76

    Benji76 Love Knows No Gender
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    Hi,

    I think your questions here are valid, and a topic definitely worth discussing. I have some personal insight that may be helpful. I have always been a very laid back, friendly guy who is kind to all, including anyone "different", by any means of the term. I got to know a really nice lesbian couple at a job I had worked for years. They were awesome, but one day they seemed overly excited about something. Apparently they had come to decide that they wanted me to help them have a child. For whatever the reason, intellect, appearance, kindness, etc., they chose me! I was honored actually, but there were many questions.

    To get to the points here... It did not happen. First, there was a difference in method between the two of them. The one wanting to carry the child wanted it to happen the "old fashioned" way, and her partner did not. This put a big strain on their relationship and our friendship. I didn't know what to do at the time.

    I was already a father of three children at that time and had questions about being in the child's life too. They had both agreed that I would or could play a "role" in the child's life if I chose to, but that it wasn't necessary in their minds. They left that up to me.

    I decided not to go through with it because I saw the emotional strain it was putting on their relationship on whether or not sex would be involved. There was just too many questions left unanswered and uncertainties. I felt my friendship and support to them was too important to risk.

    It was so difficult to say no. I knew how much it meant to them, but the importance of why I did I think has more merit. However it's decided for the insemination, that needs to be agreed upon by all parties before anything happens. All aspects of expectations should be worked out prior to a pregnancy. For those reasons, I personally don't agree with the idea of just having sex with a random person to just get pregnant either. There are far too many risks, and being able to know a child's biological and medical family history is important too.

    I wish I was able to do what they asked, but it was just not the right time. They were both wonderful people. I know they would have been great moms. I just had to make the right choice for myself too. Under different circumstances, I may very well have said yes.

    With all that being said, and I may be a little old fashioned, but even within a same sex relationship and/or marriage, I do believe that both biological parents should play a role in every child's life. I think whether that means there's two moms or two dads or whatever the circumstances, the other parent who assisted creating that life, should be there for that child in some capacity. It is my personal belief that, in the end, that child will be better off having the love and support of all. I know that can be complicated, but if everyone agrees beforehand and everyone is acting out of love, then I say, "why not?". Please, just take everyone's feelings and wishes into account beforehand.

    I hope this is helpful in some way. My daughter is gay, and one day if she wants to have children, this is the same advice I would give her. Thank you for that. It's been helpful for me to consider these things and share my experiences.
     

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