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Gay Two married closeted guys ...is he in love or just friendly?

Discussion in 'Gay' started by Chris1980, Nov 2, 2018.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Chris1980

    Chris1980 Lurker

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    Hi Guys, I thought that the weirdest things had happened to me when I was a teenager but this sounds like once in a lifetime and I can't figure this dude out. We've met at work over a year ago when he has joined and I was assigned to him as a buddy (how cliche I know). He seems to be one of those boring type in his early fourties with wife and..4 kids. He instantly took to me for some (oh yes, pure coincidence) reason and within 2 weeks or so we became best friends. I found out he is 100% homosexual but its complicated that I'm just skipping the details- the problem is he has never openly admitted it to me. SO we are both gays with no sexual experience with another men. We are both trying to repress our feelings but at the moment we are in something I would call emotional affair - the level of emotional intimacy I have never had with anyone including my wife and he admits the same. The problem is that I'm already in love (surprise) and I'm terrify to ask him what he really feels as this could pose our entire friendship at risk. I am ready for anything to be with him including secret closed loop relationship but definitely doesn't want to stay where we are. From your experience do you think there could be just a pure friendship between two gay guys with everything sexual hidden behind subtexts and innuendos? I just cant carry on that way...
    Sorry for being a bit chaotic.
    Thanks,Chris.
     
  2. mask1985
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    mask1985 Shy bi guy
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    Wow there's a lot going on here...

    What is a "100% homosexual" doing with a wife and kids?
    Are you sure a workplace romance would be OK?
    You may be OK with a secret affair but remember if he was willing to enter into this he would be cheating on his wife and risking his family life should anyone find out. Is a guy who would do this really what you want?
    How come neither of you have not had a same sex relationship before?

    I understand the emotional aspect and I do believe that two gay guys can just be friends but I would tread a bit carefully here. It seems like you are very keen but could risk the friendship by telling him your true feelings. Is this something you could cope with if you have misread the situation?

    Sorry for the additional unanswered questions but they are kind of things I would be asking myself before proceeding.
     
  3. Larry45
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    Larry45 Reliable Contributor
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    Office romances are generally a bad idea. I had one with a female coworker. Very awkward when it ended.
     
  4. angel70
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    angel70 The Old Guy
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    I gather that you're married too, so if you got together with him, you'd both be cheating on your wives. It's a situation with no optimal outcome, but I suppose that whatever happens between you will be what was meant to be.

    I'm old enough to remember when almost every gay man who wasn't to effeminate to "pass" wound up in a straight marriage. Often those marriages ended in divorce, but plenty of those men stuck it out to the bitter end. It was sad then, and it continues to be sad.

    The only advice I can give is to try to consider all the ramifications, for everybody involved, of whatever choices may be open to you. Who might wind up being hurt, and how badly?
     
  5. Morfar
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    Morfar The eye of the Wolf
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    Leaving a marriage, especially if its HELL, can be a hard thing to do. And can make a person, male or female do stupid stuff.
     
    #5 Morfar, Nov 3, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2018
  6. Chris1980

    Chris1980 Lurker

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    Thanks Guys, I am fully aware of all potential implications but ready to take that risk. The intention is that no one would ever find out ( we' ve been successfully hiding our truth identity for 40 years) - thats how I want to avoid hurting ( overly) our families. The hurt deriving from keeping that secret itself without cheating is tremendous- depression, constant pain does impact our wifes wellbeing anyway...I feel like I 'm decided for a lesser of two evils if only he is ready as well.
     
  7. Larry45
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    Larry45 Reliable Contributor
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    I fully understand the urge. I would just say make sure it is worth it, and be very careful
     
  8. angel70
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    angel70 The Old Guy
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    if you're going to cheat, do it well. Never lie about being together -- come up with some kind of "guy thing" as a reason to be going off together. Given your ages and histories, the biggest risk is that one of your wives has had suspicions about her husband's sexuality for years, but never said anything.
     
  9. Chris1980

    Chris1980 Lurker

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    Cheers angel70! I appreciate your pragmatism as most of the time I her people moralizing in similar queries. I agree with your that risk you mentioned.I think there is always something "off" with us closeted gay husbands that could and should lead our wifes to the truth however we are natural in keeping up appearances, using very sophisticated techniques to mislead people (ie. from experience every time I speak to the straight acting guy who brings his wife/gf or random homophobic topic in the first 2 minutes of conversation its a red flag he is trying too hard to hide) Even though I have never cheated on my wife before and I was hoping not to it at all I think I have what it takes to mitigate that risk (I know how wicked this must sound )
     
  10. zen

    zen Curator, Royal Academy of Inappropriate Handshake
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    You have been deceiving your wife for a very long time already, and now you want to deceive her more. I'm guessing you actually have decided to go for him, even before you posted this thread. You were only making your decision clearly by exchanging messages here. People always do this consulting thing, when they actually have decided what to do. This has been your deepest desire for very long time. So, I'm not stopping you at all, and cheating once or twice is not a big deal in my opinion as long as it's only a love affair. However, let's say your prospective boyfriend also wants to have this physical affair with you, and you guys start treating this secret meeting as a routine, then you start feeling you want to live with this guy. You know regardless of being gay or straight, new affair is always fresher and exciting. What are you planning to do when it happens?
     

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