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Trigger Warning! TOXIC SHAME, MY NAME

Discussion in 'Self Esteem/Self Worth' started by hotncold, Apr 27, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. hotncold

    hotncold Curious Explorer
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    'My Name Is Toxic Shame I was there at your conception In the epinephrine of your mother’s shame You felt me in the fluid of your mother’s womb I came upon you before you could speak Before you understood Before you had any way of knowing I came upon you when you were learning to walk When you were unprotected and exposed When you were vulnerable and needy Before you had any boundaries MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME. I came upon you when you were magical Before you could know I was there I severed your soul I pierced you to the core I brought you feelings of being flawed and defective I brought you feelings of distrust, ugliness, stupidity, doubt, worthlessness, inferiority, and unworthiness I made you feel different I told you there was something wrong with you I soiled your Godlikeness MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME. I existed before conscience Before guilt Before morality I am the master emotion I am the internal voice that whispers words of condemnation I am the internal shudder that courses through you without any mental preparation MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME. I live in secrecy In the deep moist banks of darkness depression and despair Always I sneak up on you I catch you off guard I come through the back door Uninvited unwanted The first to arrive I was there at the beginning of time With Father Adam, Mother Eve Brother Cain I was at the Tower of Babel the Slaughter of the Innocents MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME. I come from “shameless” caretakers, abandonment, ridicule, abuse, neglect— perfectionistic systems I am empowered by the shocking intensity of a parent’s rage The cruel remarks of siblings The jeering humiliation of other children The awkward reflection in the mirrors The touch that feels icky and frightening The slap, the pinch, the jerk that ruptures trust I am intensified by A racist, sexist culture The righteous condemnation of religious bigots The fears and pressures of schooling The hypocrisy of politicians The multigenerational shame of dysfunctional family systems MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME. I can transform a woman person, a Jewish person, a black person, a gay person, an oriental person, a precious child into A bitch, a kike, a nigger, a bull dyke, a faggot, a chink, a selfish little bastard I bring a pain that is chronic A pain that will not go away I am the hunter that stalks you night and day Every day everywhere I have no boundaries You try to hide from me But you cannot Because I live inside of you I make you feel hopeless Like there is no way out MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME. My pain is so unbearable that you must pass me on to others through control, perfectionism, contempt, criticism, blame, envy, judgment, power, and rage. My pain is so intense You must cover me up with addictions, rigid roles, reenactment, and unconscious ego defenses. My pain is so intense That you must numb out and no longer feel me. I convinced you that I am gone—that I do not exist— you experience absence and emptiness. MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME. I am the core of co- dependency I am spiritual bankruptcy The logic of absurdity The repetition compulsion I am crime, violence, incest, rape I am the voracious hole that fuels all addictions I am insatiability and lust I am Ahaverus the Wandering Jew, Wagner’s Flying Dutchman, Dostoyevski’s underground man, Kierkegaard’s seducer, Goethe’s Faust I twist who you are into what you do and have I murder your soul and you pass me on for generations MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME.' - (Not mine, just bumped into it and thought it belongs in here.)
     
  2. Iharos
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    Hm, I do not understand the concept of toxic shame.
     
  3. john1010101
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    Not your’s, just bumped into it and thought it belongs in here?
    But where is ‘here’?
    ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
     
    #3 john1010101, May 19, 2020
    Last edited: May 19, 2020
  4. john1010101
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    Toxic Shame is a neurotic, irrational feeling of worthlessness, humiliation, self loathing and paralysing feeling that has been inflicted onto an individual through repeated, traumatic experiences often, but not always, rooted in childhood.
    I’m not sure however this is the meaning as used in the original post. Possibly the obscene Christian theology of ‘ original sin’ has something to do with it but I can’t disentangle the intended meaning with any certainty.
     
    #4 john1010101, May 19, 2020
    Last edited: May 20, 2020
  5. john1010101
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    From my perspective that’s a little too much like a cocktail of Jung, Timothy Leary and Freud to swallow whole. Yes, there is a messy collection of unconscious influences we’ve all taken on since birth but somehow I can’t accept this idea of a ‘collective unconscious’ somehow acquired by our entire species as some form of collective memory. To claim we are capable of ‘feeling what’s going on in everybody’s head on this planet’ if for me a claim too far. I suspect any such awareness would render most of us hopelessly insane. It’s certainly not an experience I would ever deliberately pursue. Some experiences, such as those attained under hallucinogenics, do have the feeling of being dropped into an ocean of our species sub-conscious memories (mine took place with the aid of LSD and later on psilocybin) but assertions these states are an awareness of something ‘real’ is still to my limited mind a claim too far.
     
  6. john1010101
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    "I'M GOD YOU ARE GOD EVERYTHING IS GOD AND ONLY GOD IS. IM SHIVA AND SHAKTI ALPHA AND OMEGA YIN AND YANG ANIMA AND ANIMUS NOTHING AND EVERYTHING IM CONSCIOUSNESS MADE ENERGY. IM WITHIN YOU I WILL ALWAYS BE YOU CANNOT RUN AWAY FROM ME CAUSE IM YOU AND YOU ARE ME. REMEMBER THIS.”
    Thanks for the lesson in religious consciousness. It makes me so pleased not to be part of your vision.
     
  7. Iharos
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    Forgive my asking, but to whom is your text directed? Since it's not a conversation with at least two people engaging into some sort of question-reply process, it is hard to figure out your intent.
    It would be lovely if you could help me there. :) 
     
  8. Iharos
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    Oh don't worry, you'd have to come up with far more than that to make my mind go bonkers. :) 
     
  9. john1010101
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    Previously I was very dismissive of your raves but something about "I CAN FEEL MYSELF being free...I’m a fucking DRAGON licking her own vagina. Tasting myself” triggered an awarness that underneath a vast flood of disjointed writing lurks a seriously creative writing skill. Is it possible you could manage to channel your thoughts into creative writing?
    OK, I’ll be ruthlessly honest here and suggest you could benefit from professional help if you decide to go down any path that requires a degree of self discipline and some thought about who it is you’re actually writing for.
    Just a suggestion.
     
  10. Iharos
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    Good for you, great that you feel so free :) 

    About the therapy... you have been to the wrong people, it seems. A good therapist will not tell you what and how you are, but instead, they help you look into yourself and understand yourself. They won't try to discipline you. They will teach you the tools of self-discipline. :) 
     
  11. Iharos
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    I am thankful for every problem I face as a living being on this planet. It gives me the chance to learn something about myself and my surroundings. I believe this is what I am here for. And if not, I'll see once it's over.
     

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