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Transgender Things are very complicated.....

Discussion in 'Transgender' started by Radical_Woomy, Sep 9, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Radical_Woomy

    Radical_Woomy Greenhorn

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    Hi everyone, as you might notice I'm rather new here. I thought I'd seek out a forum like this because I just don't have many places to turn to. And I'm just looking for some insight and advice on this so I can hopefully figure things out and finally push forward in some direction.

    Overall, I am desperately trying to figure out whether or not I am transgender. (MTF) So I guess I should talk a little bit about myself.

    I'm 27 and unfortunately from the south. A place that isn't really thriving as some LGBT friendly area, but thankfully I never was like some of these people. My beliefs and ideals never aligned with the ignorant that can exist here. Which was one of the reasons I knew I was rather different compared to others I was surrounded by.

    I never was the most masculine guy either. From a very young age, I would occasionally wear girl clothes in secret. Usually, just one item but that was enough for a brief feeling of euphoria. I would wish I could swap my gender on some days and daydream about it. This was all kinda in spades though as it didn't really dominate my train of thought.

    Fast forward into my early 20s and I fall in love. I start dating this girl who is gradually able to help me discover more about myself concerning sexuality (I'm pretty much pan when you get right down to it now), and my desire to crossdress more. She makes me feel comfortable in this. So we start having fun together in other ways. She dresses me up in some of her clothing, doing my makeup and we go all out. More than I've ever done before. And it turns out I can make a rather cute girl. I'm loving it.

    Our relationship, unfortunately, comes to an end a couple of years later, but I've now adopted this cross-dressing of mine into a hobby. I practice makeup regularly and start building myself up a wardrobe. Chronicle my progress and even work up the courage to share it with people. I get support and a bunch of compliments of how pretty I look. It feels nice.

    This is mostly done in secret though. In the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep. Sometimes I would spend hours just dressed doing my normal things. It started to feel natural. I liked seeing myself look like this. And this is when it started to make me wonder whether or not this runs deeper.

    I wound go to events like conventions make sure I have a female character cosplay to do. An excuse to crossdress in public. People weren't even aware it was a crossplay as I pulled it off rather well. And as all this continues to go on, the thoughts start constantly running through my mind. To a point where there's not a day that goes by now where I don't think about wanting to transition. It's not a 24/7 feeling, but it's definitely a daily occurrence.

    Over time I've read things about people's experiences with their self-discovery, and something I've read recently made the thoughts get even more persistent. Why exactly am I thinking about it every single day? I dressed again not long ago and went to take some pics like I always do. But for a moment a giant wave of despair came over me when I saw myself in my cam. At that moment, I really, really wished I was born a girl. I started to tear up.

    I snapped out of it soon enough, but for a moment I had felt some kind of clarity, yet also extreme fear. A part of me feels like I know my answer. But I'm kind of a neurotic hot mess of a person. I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder, among other mental health issues. I didn't have a very ideal childhood. It was filled with a lot of abuse, mental and physical. From a family that for the most part are not very open-minded or accepting. If I am trans and decided to transition, it probably wouldn't be met with much support. I'm dealing with enough stress and hardships that I don't know if I can handle the crap people would give me if they knew I was trans.

    But I have to be completely sure because I feel if I knew and never did anything, I would just continue to be unhappy and be filled with regret. A part of me would like to make myself even more feminine. A part of me that wants to be viewed at as a girl. Like people did at the convention. But the fact that it isn't some constant nagging feeling is also having me keep some doubts, along with the fear of coming out if I am.

    But I have to know, and if it's true, then I guess I would then finally push forward with something. So what do you peeps think? What will help me find my definitive answer? Do you think Ithe things I've said and done make it seem like I've found it but just haven't realized? I......just don't know what to do. I talk to a therapist but can't bring this up to her. I'm not sure she even does handle issues like this. And I don't even know completely what I'm seeking here. I just want something, anything to give me some sense of direction for once. I'm at a lost.

    Sorry for the long post, but if you've made it this far hearing me out; thanks.
     
  2. Carlita
    Creative

    Carlita If you say it, they will come.
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    Wow. What a story. South, US? I cannot imagine. I have family in NC, LO, AL, etc. I'm up on VA where homophobia is passive aggressive.

    The best thing I can think of is move. I mean, maybe stay at a friend's house outside your area, state even? So you have clarity and safety to figure it out.

    There are a lot of people trans here that can help you out more. I can't say if you trans or not, but my question is how do you feel about your body when you don't crossdress? Do you like it? Are you male or female?

    I guess that's the biggest question. Cross dressing could be a result of it. Eurphora? Maybe you are. A lot of reflection. But at least try to get out of the area.
     
  3. Alsthom
    Bookworm

    Alsthom Princess Chick Pea
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    Hello Radical_Woomy and welcome to a safe place where you can be yourself without judgement.

    As Carlita said, how do you feel about being a man, seen as a man? Do you feel like being a woman would be right?

    I hope you can discover who you truly are. And if you are able to, maybe consider moving out of that unaccepting unsafe area.
     
  4. Radical_Woomy

    Radical_Woomy Greenhorn

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    Thanks. Sometimes I don't mind, which is why I still feel like there's still some doubts. But I find myself thinking more and more how I'd like to recreate the feelings I got at the con when I was crossplaying. I kinda jump at any chance I could get dressing up and going out.

    So like I said in the first post, while it isn't some 24/7 feeling, it's been getting stronger. I feel kinda sad at times I can't just dress up any time I feel like it.
     
  5. KiraRyu
    Feminine

    KiraRyu Lone Wolf
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    Greetings Radical_Woomy, welcome to a place where no one judges and everyone wants to help.
    In alot of ways we are similar but, in a few we differ. I also live in the deep south and I also was born a male but, in my case I came to the decision to go for it and become my true self.
    As for your ponderance, I know you stated that you don't feel comfortable talking to your therapist about your issue, my suggestion it to find a therapist that deals specifically with transgender people and at least have a sesson with them. There are alot of different variations of transgenderism, it's a big spectrum, and with the help of someone to guide you through your feelings you will figure out the path you want to take.
    Not everyone is of the mindset as I myself is, I can be very analytical with myself and was able to sit down, list out both the positives and negatives of each side. Also did ALOT of soul searching to find my goal for myself.
    It's not an easy road or an easy decision and most do need guidance to come to their own decision. But remember even if your decision is one way, there will be days that you waver to either side.
    Just know that everyone here both supports whatever decision you choose and loves you for who you are.
    -virtual huggs-

    Kira <3
     
  6. Radical_Woomy

    Radical_Woomy Greenhorn

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    Thank you.

    I've been looking into therapist that specifically deals with these issues, but it's looking like my best bet is in the city. I'd have to make time to do some traveling. There doesn't seem to be any around here. Finding one that takes my insurance is also making this rather difficult. The one thing I know for sure is I'm becoming less and less comfortable in my body, and feel like I need to explore this very soon. It's been a tough road reaching even this point to make a move.
     
  7. Jaysaurus
    No Mood

    Jaysaurus No more.
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    Actually, there are some experienced therapists available to talk via video online. You could give that a try if it's more convenient. Betterhelp.com is a good point of entry for asking around for therapists (I was chatting to a queer counselor via betterhelp while I was in Latin America and - though he wasn't tran - he was very helpful and knowledgeable).

    One thing to be aware of with gender dysphoria/euphoria, they can have a potent effect on mood-state with bipolar disorders. That's not a deterrent from exploring issues around this stuff, but if you do decide to explore transitioning, my gentle suggestion is to make sure you keep yourself in-check and go slow with any decisions you make with regard to social transition, hormones, etc.

    Very best of luck! x
     

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