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The Freak Factor, Should I bother?

Discussion in 'Questioning & General LGBT' started by Rocinante, Jan 10, 2021.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Rocinante

    Rocinante Greenhorn
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    I’m a gay trans woman and met someone amazing online. We met this past Friday and had a great dinner and did something fun together again Saturday afternoon then had dinner again afterwards. We’ve been texting back and forth all weekend and it’s clear she would be receptive to meeting up again. Yet at dinner Saturday we were having a great conversation then she said something that applied to me. We’re were delving a little into social politics and she referred to trans-woman (which I am, long-time post change/op and well into the passing spectrum) as freaks.


    She doesn’t know what I am and that term doesn’t really insult me, it is what it is and I understand that clinically/statistically, transfolk are certainly uncommon so I get it, I don't like it but I get it. Whatcha gonna do right? In dating, in my experience a small percentage of lesbians could care less about it but despite how pro-equality and all that crap some of you are, definitely not all, but most of ya’ll truly turned off by it and that’s just reality and I understand that position more then you all might think so I’m not criticizing here. I mean I wouldn’t date a trans and I am one so there ya go. This isn’t a degrade myself sort of thing because I’m a damn fine woman and awesome human being and it’s just how it is. Some people are born to move the world, others are born simply exist in it and have to deal with average stigmas. I’m the latter so why be all upset at a stupid word. Bigger problems on my plate, lol.


    That being said my intention was to go down no other road with her other than platonic as when we first connected as she said straight up she was uncomfortable with our age split and that she’d be interested in friends (I’m 50, she’s 36) and I wasn’t honestly thrilled about it either. I responded to her ad, but didn’t notice her age (oops – probably should have looked at that, LOL), only that she has the same world view as me and she was someone I wanted to chat with. We talked a few times and decided to meet and I really was just interested in making a new friend. I didn’t expect to be as attracted to her as I turned out to be and it’s really strong. She’s an Aries so that might be mutual but me, a Pisces, isn’t seeing the signs which considering that compatibility is exactly the problem with Pisces and Aries as a match anyway is I’m blind to Aries expressions of interest. I wouldn't know it if she was beating me over the head with it.


    So long story short, yeah I was sold and very attracted to her inside and out but there is what she said both at dinner and about the age thing. What sucks is that apart from those two things we could probably had just as good of a shot at something special as any other two people but for me to even think about moving ahead I fear will just end up crushing my heart. I’m not stupid and obviously this has train wreck written all over it. It would have been the perfect potential for a new friend had I not been romantically attracted to her but I can’t help what I feel. For the record I’d never allow us to get involved physically without her knowing what I am as that’s just uncool anyway so no need for that lecture, lol.


    So since I barely know her and have really nothing invested in her thus far or her in me I wonder if it would it be best to just ghost her? I’m a pretty happy and successful person and I don’t want to get hurt and have had a 99% rejection rate with women that didn’t know what I was and were really into me until I told them and that’s with women in my age group. It’s just statistically pointless now right? I know myself and If I try and just move ahead platonically, I’ll just end up falling for her then you all know the rest. The whole un-requited love with your friend thing. That story is as old as time and it sucks more than gangsta wrap music.


    She’s a really cool girl and pretty confident and happy so it’s not like my going dark is gonna matter to her. I just don’t see any other way. I don’t want to be a shitty person as I definitely sense she's legitimately interested in friends but I also don’t want this blowing up in my face or hers. Knowing with near certainty how this will play out I know it’s best to shut this down now before it gets stupid right?

    How do I do it? Seems like ghosting is the least impactful and certainly the easiest. Telling her how I feel at this point about what went down I think would be a little silly right? Or is that the way to go? I want to be honorable about it and kill this now before anyone's feelings get hurt.
     
  2. Jayme82
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    Jayme82 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    I'm s trans woman and also a pisces yeah I don't see how you can go forward with her if she's transphobic I've been around transphobic people and you can not be friends with them I have however talked to people who don't understand what it means to be trans and enlightened them and everything was ok but she will break your heart no doubt about her views makes that clear so if your choice us to avoid confrontation and ghost her I suggest you do that ASAP before you or possibly her become more attached
     
  3. Rocinante

    Rocinante Greenhorn
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    Thank you and you points are well taken. I wouldn't though necessarily categorize her as "trans-phobic." "Trans-ignorant" would be more accurate because she did make it clear in that conversation she supported equal protection on the law for all Americans including the trans even stating she feels we should be just as eligible for military service as anyone else. I took her statement as more of a colloquialism and a regurgitated stereotype but it certainly did damage any faith or hope I had that her and I would ever be able to move forward with anything platonic let alone anything else.

    I guess what I'm wrestling with is how to turn this off honorably. Ghosting her would be the easiest for me, but regardless of how new this is, it never feels good getting ghosted by someone no matter what the situation. I could say something short and simple, like "I don't think anything between us will be able to move forward, take care" but that's kinda shitty too. I feel like I should it explain it.
     
  4. Jayme82
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    Jayme82 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    She may be ignorant that's true instead if transphobic but I may have left immediately if she called trans individuals freaks because we are not and talk like that is very upsetting to me I feel she could have been more respectful if she is truly an advocate for equal rights if I don't understand someone or they are different I don't call them s freak maybe at worst different no I'm in agreement I don't thy you could even be friends

    I don't like to ghost peiole myself because that's happened to me many times and it feels awful as you know so I would if you feel comfortable explain why your leaving and hopefully you want feel so bad about it afterwards
     
  5. Rocinante

    Rocinante Greenhorn
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    This is gonna feel bad regardless. I really like her. Apart from what she thinks of us this girl was the kind of person I'd been hoping to meet for a long time and didn't think I ever would. It just sucks.
     
  6. Jayme82
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    Jayme82 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    I understand that's happened to me but I was friends with them.fir 8 months I met them in the internet we were like sisters and she started dating a bad person that changed her and she became just like them and was a really bad person after that herself we parted ways and it hurt me really badly to lose someone I was so close to and had so much in common with but it's for the best
     
  7. Rocinante

    Rocinante Greenhorn
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    Thanks for your input. I've decided the best path forward is to do nothing and just demote this connection to a text and link sharing pal as our personal ideologies are very similar and she sends me great articles on our shared interests.
     
  8. Jayme82
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    Jayme82 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    Ok if you think that's best I wish you luck with your decision :) 
     
  9. Rocinante

    Rocinante Greenhorn
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    Thanks!

    My best friend helped me realize I was probably way overthinking it, lol and it just needed a simple solution. I'm too old for crushes...
     
  10. Jayme82
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    I over think things myself and luckily I have a similar best friend to center me when I veer off course I don't know I feel you can crush in someine at any age your only as old as you feel
     
  11. rado84
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    rado84 pansexual, atheist
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    If you allow me to say what I think? I extracted these 3 lines from your long post because these 3 lines made an impression on me.
    If "post op" means what I think it means* and she referred to you as "freak", I wouldn't bother with seeing her anymore. I really hate phobia in whatever form it comes, so if I were you, I wouldn't even talk to her anymore. But if you decide to see her or talk to her again, feel free to tell her there are people in the world (like me) who would gladly kiss and/or date those "freaks".
    English ain't my native language, so I'll do my best to explain how I feel about the trans "freaks". I'm quoting the word bc to me trans people are not freaks, quite the opposite, actually. When I was younger (like 15 or 16), one of my sister's friend was a trans woman (MTF). That friend of my sister's was about 25 yo back then and I was secretly in love with her - that was long before I knew anything about the LGBTQ world in principle. I kept trying to get in bed with her but she kept refusing. Back in those days I didn't know about the law that an adult can't sleep with an underage (in my country legal age is 18) and I couldn't understand why she kept refusing.
    Aside from my teenage lust, nowadays I'm mostly interested in the person's character (personality) than in what they have chosen to do with their body. If being trans makes them happy, that's all that matters and I'm the last person on the planet who would judge them or call them "freaks". Mostly because I was called the same word for being pansexual.

    As for the last line of your quote - it's not fair to say that WE ALL are turned off by the fact that someone is trans. Because for surely I'm not one of those people you're talking about. There are two trans celebrities I would gladly have a threesome with (Nicole Maines about whom I knew long before she became an actress and Masem from TranSexJapan), if I had the chance. So, no, I'm definitely NOT turned off by the fact someone is trans.

    * As for the sentence with the asterisk, I marked it like this because I'm not familiar with that abbreviation which in my mind means only two things - either "OverPowered" (for vehicles) or "Original Poster". Since none of these can be applied here (obviously), there must be another meaning but I have no idea what it could mean.
    I could probably find out what it means if I enter the trans sections of this forum but I avoid doing that because I don't wanna risk offending someone unintentionally by saying something inappropriate.

    I hope you understand what I said (or tried to) but if you didn't, I'll try to explain it in another way when I'm not overdosed with homemade red wine - just finished the first gallon of it. I have my reasons to drink this much tonight but if I let all the things I feel right now, that will drive me to a mental breakdown or even braindeath.

    If there's something unclear from everything I said so far, feel free to ask me. When I get sober, I'll reply to you. ;) 
     
  12. Rocinante

    Rocinante Greenhorn
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    Thanks for posting!

    It concerns me greatly when good folk use certain words improperly so I want to address your use of the term "phobia." I mean you surely can't hate arachnophobia (fear of spiders), acrophobia (fear of heights) or aquaphobia (fear of water) right? LOL. I'm teasing you a bit here and I understood what you meant. However, I'm making the point that applying terms to people or situations without being succinct in that term's use harms communication.

    I don't think this girl is transphobic. That implies by the actual meaning of the word that she is afraid of trans people in that she feels actual fear when around them or thinking about them. That simply isn't the case at all. I addressed this earlier in that I think she may be a bit "trans-ignorant" but then again I can't be 100% certain about her context either as I barely know her. That's the problem when we focus on specific words and especially when we use them improperly. For example someone who hates trans people for just being trans isn't automatically transphobic. They're trans-haters certainly but why they hate is never simple and a whole other discussion.

    Next point is I never said "all" lesbians wouldn't date a transwoman. I said most. I can tell you factually that out of nearly 20 lesbians I started seeing over many years, 100% of them lost interest after they found out I was trans. While I can't automatically apply my personal experience to every trans woman on the planet, nearly every other trans-woman I know reports more or less the same issue. I appreciate that you aren't that way. It's easy to say, but harder to practice it seems.

    Lastly, post-op, means post operative. This means I am transsxual in that I have undergone GRS, genital reassignment surgery also called SRS, sex reassignment surgery.
     
  13. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Well-Known Advisor
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    Hey<3 I know this is an older post and you have since figured out what you are going to do, which is great. I did want to say just for future reference if anything similar comes up in your experience because something in your post did jump out to me. Of course, it is always your choice what you choose to do and what is best for you. I just wanted to say as someone who has been ghosted a lot in my life, including by people I really loved and cared about, I would highly suggest using ghosting as a last resort. If you feel uncomfortable with someone or they seem dangerous, I agree with ghosting. From the sounds of how things have been for the 2 of you though, I would not suggest it. I know you feel that not a lot of time has passed, she prob isn't that invested, she may not think twice, but i'd beg to differ. She seems to have connected with you well and likes you as a person, may even be romantically into you. I know that its not a relationship you feel would work which is 100 percent fine and acceptable. I'm just saying don't cut someone totally off unless you really feel you have to, because you never know how they feel about the relationship or you. The experiences I have had have hurt me greatly and the shitty thing about ghosting is if you care about the person, it gives you no answers, no closure. You're just left wondering what happened and if you were the reason. Its VERY easy to take it personal when you are ghosted, even if it WASNT actually something you did. The best thing is to communicate in some way, just be honest and say you don't think a romance would work for you, but you would like a friendship OR just leave it at that. The person will respect your honesty and in the end there will be far less hurt.
     
  14. rado84
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    rado84 pansexual, atheist
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    It's both easy said and done when the person, or me, is pansexual. The only hard thing is when the trans woman is older than me and she has no interest in younger men than her.

    And thank you for telling me what post op means. I was afraid to ask, tbh. The truth is I know very little about the trans world.

    Also, I never said anything about you saying that "all lesbians wouldn't date a trans woman". You used the slang term "y'all" which according to my knowledge of American slang means "you all", meaning "you all who read this post, whether you're a lesbian or not". That's why I told you it's not fair to say "you all" because not all people are like that.
     
  15. Rocinante

    Rocinante Greenhorn
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    Oh come on now, yes you did, LOL.

    That's your words there. You stated verbatim in that remark that your interpretation of what I said was that all lesbians won't date trans. Now you're already re-writing history? C'mon, I'm not trying to start a fight with you. Nothing you've said has been offensive to me in the least but please for the love of all that's holy, if you're going to converse with me don't try to revise your own words as if they never were typed. It's impossible for me to respect the opinion of people who do that.

    You misunderstood and parsed over the full text of what I wrote and then reacted to an incomplete interpretation. So stand by what you say! When you're right, you're right. However, when you're mistaken then admit it and you come off as honorable and an interesting person to chat with. When English isn't your first language you get into really sticky territory when you inject context vs. extracting literal meaning.

    I said "most of ya'll." So while the slang conjunction of "ya'll" does indeed mean "you all" when it's proceeded by "most of" if you read it without interjecting context it means I was referring to the majority not the whole of a given demographic. So you zoomed in on "ya'll" and ignored the "most of." English is a difficult language, but you must read an entire sentence to take in it's actual meaning. Certain combinations of words cancel or modify the meaning of preceding words. Frankly anyone that learns English as a second language and becomes fluent truly impresses me considering half the people who have English as a first language can barely speak it properly.
     
  16. rado84
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    rado84 pansexual, atheist
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    Whatever. I'm not in the mood for arguing your last post. Right now I wish there were a magic pill to make me stop feeling anything at all, so what I meant and what you meant suddenly lost any sense to me.
     
  17. Rocinante

    Rocinante Greenhorn
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    You actually just highlighted the biggest problem with this platform of communication. It's impossible to gauge inference in someone's posts accurately when you can't transmit communications mannerisms. This is why it's really important to never get upset over something someone says on a message board unless is blatantly mean or insulting.

    Jokes aside, you don't need a pill to control emotion. Meditation works wonders.

    My advice, never take anything on a message board personally. You don't know the person on the other end, thus why give their words power in any direction?

    Every single one of us are full of shit in our way.
     
  18. rado84
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    rado84 pansexual, atheist
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    My bad mood has nothing to do with the forum. It has to do with a conversation and an SMS I had last night but I don't wanna bore you with the details.
     
  19. Rocinante

    Rocinante Greenhorn
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    Well sorry you are having a rough one. Me too, hence this thread. I haven't heard from this girl now for a couple days thus it, ironically, looks like I'm the one who got ghosted. LOL.

    I suppose she did me a favor.
     

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