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Struggles

Discussion in 'Asexual & Grey-Ace' started by RuneBeau, Nov 25, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. RuneBeau
    Inspired

    RuneBeau Polyromantic Demisexual Trans Guy
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    I've identified as demisexual for almost 10 years. I really hoped when I realized I was trans that I was mistaken about being demi. Like maybe being really uncomfortable with sex and lacking interest was because of gender dysphoria. Transition has actually had the opposite effect for me; the more comfortable and connected I feel with my body the more uncomfortable I am with the thought of someone touching me.

    I crave romance and I feel lonely but it's hard to find anyone that wants to keep it platonic. I don't like the pressure of dating and I try telling people that I'm only interested in friends because I'm on the asexual spectrum but they just don't get it.

    The very same day I came out to my bff about being demi and explained to her everything about it, she got me drunk and exposed herself to me. Do people view this as a challenge of some sort or is it so unbelieveable they feel the need to test if it's real?
     
  2. Thespis
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    Thespis Blithe Spirit
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    I think there is definitely a lot of misunderstanding amongst "sexual" people about asexuality. Because the need for sexual contact is such a strong force in most people, and such a source of pleasure and satisfaction, they find it really hard to conceptualise somebody just not being interested in the whole shebang.

    Even if they don't say it to your face, a lot of "sexuals" look at an ace person and think "Aww shame - poor thing: they don't know what they're missing!" - and some (especially if they've had a drink or three) will get the idea that they know just what you need to get your dormant lust machine jump-started. They may think they're being well-meaning, but they're really being blinkered and disrespectful in seeing your ace-ness as, at best, an eccentricity, or - at worst - a kind of disability: an affliction that needs 'curing'.

    I'm a "sexual", and as such will never fully know what it's like to be ace, but I cannot stand whisky. I imagine that being ace must be a bit like living in a world in which everyone around me simply LOVES whisky and never stops going on about how fabulous it is: "I mean hell, Thespis... how could you not like WHISKY??? It's the best thing ever! I mean... it's WHISKY, right? Honestly, if you only tried it I'm sure you'd get a taste for it. You've probably only ever had the cheap stuff. Here, look: I've bought you a glass of really good single malt. Go on... try it - you'll be amazed! No, go ahead, just a little sip. Don't be a spoilsport - you don't know what you're missing. FFS man - it's WHISKY. FUCKING DRINK IT!"

    Just guessing.
     
  3. Dreamsexual
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    Dreamsexual Reliable Contributor
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    Runebeau - your friend probably did want to 'test' you, or maybe in their mind they were 'helping' you come out your shell or something like that. Probably more borne of ignorance than malice if they are really a good friend to you.

    Yeah, as thespis says, I suspect there's a fair few allosexuals who view asexuals as having an affliction that 'they' (egotistically!) can 'cure' for them. It reminds me of those straight dudes who think they can 'cure' lesbianism, or those gay guys who can 'turn' a hetero. Probably a weird mix of ignorance, disbelief and ego.

    I can totally understand how hard it must be to crave something that is as rare as hen's teeth - and obviously a romantic relationship without sex is a rare beast. They do exist though, I've encountered people in such relationships. But they are obviously not the norm.

    I wish the world was going to be more accommodating for you, but the painful truth is that the world is ruled by sex and sexuals and largely geared up for that aspect of the human condition, especially these days.

    All I can offer is sympathy and hope - others have found such a relationship so there's no reason you cannot. It just might require a whole lot more effort, maybe moving location, maybe using the internet more, maybe 'getting out' more - whatever it takes.

    I reckon the effort will be worth it if you can find a cure to loneliness. I know that I'd climb a million sharp stairs if I could bring my lover into this dimension as an externalised reality.

    Good luck! :) 
     
  4. Thespis
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    That's the word I was looking for! :) 
     
  5. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    It's only been a week since I've started exploring my asexuality and outside of this forum nobody knows it so not much I can tell you there but also being agendered (I know, I'm tumbling down the minority hole at increasing speed) the few friends who know about it seem to always be searching for that "aha!" moment where they catch me NOT being agender like it's some sort of character I'm playing...the other day someone tried to convince me that I was not agender because I was using the men's bathroom...so I kindly asked him if he thought I pissed on the wall between the 2 bathrooms every time I had to go...

    Dutch people actually do that to me all the time when they hear I don't drink tea or coffee. Drinking water pisses off both the tea drinkers and the coffee drinkers so I managed to annoy every single person here :p 
     
  6. Dreamsexual
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    Lol :) 
     
  7. RuneBeau
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    RuneBeau Polyromantic Demisexual Trans Guy
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    I just wish allos knew how violating it is to 'test the waters' with something sexual. Also being sex repulsed causes me to associate disgust with that person everytime they do something sexual so the likelyhood I would ever bond with them dies quickly.

    I'm trying to put myself out there but that means weathering a lot unwelcome sexual behavior.
    I can't even get online cuddles without someone getting a b*ner, the heck![​IMG]

    Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk
     
    #7 RuneBeau, Nov 26, 2019
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2019
  8. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    That's sad :(  I think the problem is that most people see non-sexual intimacy as a gateway to sex and no matter how much I am into cuddling with a friend as soon as they take it south I "nope" out of there quicker than they can open their mouths again.
    It also doesn't help telling them beforehand...they just take it as a challenge to "break my guard down" and when they think I'm "into it enough" they try it anyway :( 
     

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