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straight? heteroflexible? bi? pan? queer? HUMAN?

Discussion in 'Bisexual & Pansexual' started by mayarue95, May 14, 2020.  |  Print Topic

?

if you were me, how might you identify?

  1. straight

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  2. heteroflexible

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  3. bisexual

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  4. pansexual

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  5. queer

    100.0%
Multiple votes are allowed.

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  1. mayarue95

    mayarue95 Greenhorn
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    Soooo. Hi. Thanks, in advance, for reading this. Clearly I am new to all of this and questioning myself a lot, so please bear with me. I appreciate any/all insight and advice. Really.



    Overall, I’m trying to figure out my sexuality. All my life, up until about three months ago, I identified as straight. As a woman, I have experienced romantic and sexual attraction to men. I’ve crushed on various male celebrities, been attracted to guys I’ve gone to school with/worked with, and have been in one three-month relationship. The one and only person I’ve dated was a boy in high school. We only really hung out at school, though, and kissed a few times. We weren’t super close honestly and I felt so much pressure to act a certain way around him once word got out that we were “dating.” After a few months, I heard from one of our mutual friends that he wanted things to take things further (in terms of physical intimacy) and I was nervous about that. At 16, I was extremely insecure about my body (and personality, haha) and was terrified at the prospect of penetrative sex. I just wasn’t ready for that. I realized, too, that I wasn’t really ready to be in a relationship at all. So I broke up with him.



    Since then, I have not been in any relationships with anybody. I’ve crushed on guys from a distance, but nobody has ever asked me out - although I know I am capable of asking someone out myself. I’ve never done the whole dating app thing, which I know I should probably try… but to be frank, I’ve always wanted to meet someone more naturally than that. I’m not a huge fan of social media and tech-mediated communication; I realize this is ironic. However, I do understand that there are many perks to communicating that way (especially these days with the pandemic). It is also helpful for people like me who are very, very, VERY shy. Anyway, point is, I haven’t explored my sexuality much with people in real life. Just imaged it. I don’t know what I like or don’t like when it comes down to it, but the idea of penetration still scares me a little bit. Sorry to be so explicit again. I am not sure why this is. I don’t think I have a physiological problem, I think it’s mostly all in my head. I’m scared it will hurt. Then again, with the right guy, I’d be willing to explore and see if I can get used to it (and hopefully come to enjoy it). I don’t even know why I brought this up, haha. It’s not really related, I don’t think.



    Point is: I’m definitely into guys. So I know I’m not gay. However, I’m now questioning if I’m into girls and other genders too. Here it goes: I watched a show called "Feel Good" on Netflix. It has comedian Mae Martin in it. She is an extraordinarily talented human being. She’s overcome addiction, wrote a book on gender and sexuality, does stand-up comedy, co-wrote the show, and seems like such a sweet person. Her character in the show is super adorable and I absolutely fell in love with her. Her behavior, mannerisms, and aesthetic are truly appealing to me. She is more androgynous looking (she has short, blonde hair and the most striking eyes ever) and identifies herself as a (cis-gendered) woman. Because of that, and my attraction to her, I am thinking I might not be as straight as I thought I was. Gender non-conforming women have always been aesthetically pleasing to me. However, with Mae, I was REALLY attracted to her. Like, I don't just like looking at her, I wanted to snuggle with her, kiss her, and touch her maybe too. Does that make sense? And it’s not like I’m not into her “parts” - I think I’m into the WHOLE of her. You know? The whole person, parts and all. In a way, the fact that she’s a woman makes me somehow more attracted to her. Like, the fact that she’s a woman is nice.



    However, normally, I’m not into women. I’m not usually objectively attracted to them. Like I said, gender non-conforming women tend to catch my eye. I guess I’m sort of into feminine androgyny in a way. Like, I was super into Rue from Euphoria. She expressed herself in a more masculine way and I dug it (even though she has long hair - which is obviously stereotypically more feminine). I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve never looked at a super feminine girl and been like, “she’s hot.” I have definitely said that about guys. With guys, though, I’m into more sensitive and less manly-man types. Most of the time, anyway. Make sense? Timothee Chalamet is a perfect example! :p  Love him. So. That’s like an overview, haha. My attraction to Mae sort of opened up a door for me. I’m walking in and I’m like, “wait a second, have I always been attracted to women but I’ve just not allowed myself to acknowledge it?” Because here are a few things I’m noticing, looking back…



    1. I used to do gymnastics. As you’ve gathered, I’m super insecure. I never liked how I looked. I never felt feminine enough. Short, bulky legs, toned arms (used to anyways, haha), and small boobs. I remember trying not to look at other girls at gymnastics. I don’t know if I wanted to look at them to compare my body to theirs OR to just look at them, you know? I was definitely afraid of being seen as gay, though, clearly. I don’t know why, though. I feel like you can have internalized homophobia and not be gay or whatever, though.
    2. In high school, when my friend came out to me as gay, I was supportive. I was happy that he could be honest with me about an important part of his identity. We bonded over guys we thought were cute. On a couple of occasions, he asked me if I was into girls at all. I told him, “no, not at ALL.” I don’t think I was exactly lying because I wasn’t really into girls at the time, but I went overboard. I told him that I would NEVER want to kiss or hook up with a girl. I said I thought that would be gross. Ehm. This might’ve been me overcompensating or something. Who knows?
    3. A friend from college is gay and is gender non-conforming. One night, I was drunk and upset. She took me to her room to talk. She comforted me and it was super nice. I don’t know why, but I remember having the urge to run out of her room at one point (an urge I usually feel if a dude is in the vicinity). It was sort of intimate in a way because we were alone (which we didn’t often hang out just the two of us) and she was telling me that I wasn’t ugly, haha. She was trying to boost my confidence, I think, because I was feeling really insecure and shitty about my appearance. Looking back, I wonder if I felt the urge to get out of the room/run for the hills because, deep down, I might’ve wanted to experiment with her. Or was I just assuming, like a lot of straight people assume, that people of their gender who are gay are automatically into them. Did I assume that and not want it? Or...
    4. I remember, one night in college, I was talking to a few of my friends. I told them, “I feel like I could fall in love with anybody.” One of my friends responded with this: “but who are you sexually attracted to?” I told her guys. Again, because that’s who I was sexually into at the time. Now, I think what I was trying to communicate in that statement was that I feel like I could be into anybody (even if they weren’t a guy) if they were kind and sweet. I don’t know I’m into the whole of people. Then again, I kinda like the fact that girls are girls?


    So I’m not sure what I am. I am into guys. I might be into (some girls). Maybe not in the same way as I’m into guys, but does that matter? Also, does this just mean I’m straight and overthinking? Am I heteroflexible? Bisexual? Pansexual? Queer? I’d love to get some feedback and perspective. Thank you so much for taking the time to read through all this. It means a lot to me and I hope whoever reading this is healthy (physically and mentally) at this crazy time. Oh and no matter what, I have a lot of love for this amazing community of human beings.
     
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  2. Conn619

    Conn619 Hot Cookie
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    Hey Maya,
    I just want to start by saying that it was really refreshing to read through some of your thoughts. I am struggling with basically the same thing, except I am questioning my attraction for guys rather than girls. With labels, it can be tricky depending on who we are in the sense that some people do better with labels and some do better without them (and both are just as valid). No one here can really tell you what label you "fall under." The beautiful part about labels is that they all lie somewhere on this overarching, flexible scale of sexuality... but the flexibility doesn't stop there. The labels themselves also come with a flexibility. For instance, bisexual doesn't necessarily mean 50/50 attraction to men and women, or pansexual doesn't mean balanced attraction to all genders. As an example, there are people out there who may only ever fall in love with one person of the same sex, and end up marrying someone of the opposite sex later down the line. If they choose to identify as bi/pan, they are just as valid as anybody else of those same labels. A more equal distribution of attraction doesn't make anybody more bi/pan than the next person... it just makes them more of their own, individual being. So I guess the best question here would be: is there a label(s) that makes you feel more comfortable than others? Personally, I identify as bisexual if I'm talking to someone who I'm willing to explain all of my deeper thoughts to, and then I will identify as gay if I'm talking to someone who I do not care to get into a deep conversation with. So another point to be made is that you don't have to stick with only one label :p . Sexuality is also very fluid so you might find that your attractions change as time progresses, and again, that won't make you any less valid.

    As for past memories, those can be huge tellers as we discover these buried parts of ourselves. I know for me there were some huge flags that I only ever noticed once I came out. I'll share a couple just to see if it helps in any way.
    I used to be extremely uncomfortable complimenting girls or initiating hugs with other girls because I feared that they would think I liked them... and this was at a time when I told myself that I'd never date girls (LOL)
    I struggled a lot with locker room spaces, not because I was insecure about my body, but because I never wanted to look anywhere other than straight ahead at the locker in front of me. I always feared that if my focus ever so slightly moved from the number on that locker, that the girls around me would think I was a creep. Again, this was far before I ever came out to myself. Looking back, it was just internalized homophobia.
    No matter what maya, just know that you are valid as you are. No one can take that from you. This process takes time and you deserve to take that time just as much as anybody else. This forum is an amazing place to write down your thoughts and meet some wonderful people, so I hope it continues to work out for you :D . Feel free to pm me if you ever need a virtual shoulder. Best wishes!
     
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  3. OverAndOut
    Tired

    OverAndOut Hot Cookie
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    Hi!

    I don't know which (if any label) would feel best to you... but you could always try one out and change it later. =)

    I have a confession. I'm also in love with Mae Martin (Lmao but yes please). I do have a point... which is that representation is so important! You saw a type of person represented and you felt attraction! Its totally fine that you were attracted to her (less femme looking) girls and that could mean you're attracted to a certain type. It sounds like your sexual orientation might be more fluid...which could be a label in and of itself if you want. To choose a label I would focus on the feelings. If any of the labels make you feel "lighter" then that's the one you should choose. When I say, I'm gay, I feel much better so that's the label I choose. You don't have to choose one unless you want to.

    I think some people aren't comfortable with penetrative sex. I also think with the right person that could change but don't rush yourself. Never push yourself to be intimate with anyone you're not comfortable with and never push yourself to do anything you aren't comfortable doing. Just focus on who you think is attractive and what you think you would like and go from there. Accept what your body and heart tell you.

    You don't have to figure it all out right now. Just let yourself want what you want, and accept that part of you. <3
     
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  4. Jo A
    Innocent

    Jo A ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    First - Welcome to a wonderful place to just be you and find you, without being judged.

    You are good at writing out your thoughts and feelings but are you good at taking the time to just accept You for You?

    I like Human but I am Queer and a very proud Queer.

    Unlike gay - I kind of stick out as the tall, old guy with a beard, shaved head in women's clothes, so kind of out there for me but as my lesbian friend pointed out, she takes off her Pride things and she is just a human to the rest of the world. It only mattered that she was a lesbian when she first asked her wife out.

    My angel/friend who helped me accept me and taught me how to love ME, which gave me the foundation to build my life on.

    Long way to say - welcome - be you - and Love you, as You are a wonderful person who would be a wonderful partner for anyone.

    Peace
     
  5. mayarue95

    mayarue95 Greenhorn
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    Thank you ALL so much for your thoughtful, kind replies. Really. It means a lot to me. This site is full of such incredible people... I feel very lucky. I think I'm most comfortable with calling myself bisexual right now. I think the label is more established in a way and easier for me to sort of explore, I guess. I think, by at least "coming out" to myself, I will be more open to feeling however I feel around various human beings. You know? I'm not gonna force anything or stick to any one label because feelings can change over time. I like the bisexual label though and I really appreciate you guys all helping me get here. Thank you. <3
     
  6. TaylorEtc
    Supportive

    TaylorEtc Hot Cookie
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    Hi there

    Thanks for sharing your story.

    I can relate to just about everything you said. I've been going through a process over the past year of discovery. I'll have a thought and then all of a sudden things memories of growing up seem to cascade into order. 'Oh, THAT is why I did that' or behaved like that or liked that or thought that.

    I too struggle with my 'label'. Bi, pan, gay, queer. I quite like 'queer' for some reason, though I'm not sure it really fits. In the end I try to avoid labelling myself. I don't think I know enough about myself yet. And it is evolving all the time. I heard about 'sapiosexual' recently and definitely think that is true, but there is more to it than that.

    I'm glad you found this place. It has been great for me to hear stories and know that there are so many people with similar stories to mine.
     
  7. mayarue95

    mayarue95 Greenhorn
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    hey! thanks for responding! i like the term queer too, actually. obviously there is some historical weight to the word, but i appreciate how it's been reclaimed in this community. i feel like, for some of us, sexuality is so much more complex than just somebody's body parts. you know? like, if someone is super nice to me, i feel like i might be down to get with them - no matter their gender. you know? i also think sometimes sexuality has to do with appearance rather than parts, again. like, sometimes the aesthetic of certain girls is just really alluring to me. or, just the way people behave or express themselves can be attractive. it's all very complex. i think it's cool how more and more people are opening up to this idea - the idea that gender and sex are just confines... we are rich, complex, human beings who enjoy company and pleasure!
     

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