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Transsexual Start the transition or suppress my feminine side? (I am 30yo) And what about my sexuality?

Discussion in 'Transsexual' started by Wiwko, Feb 27, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Wiwko

    Wiwko Lurker

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    Hi,

    I am a 30yo “male”. In my whole life I tried to live as a normal man. But now I cannot suppress my feelings anymore. I feel that I have to write openly about all my feelings, thoughts and the different aspects of my life. I really need your opinion about my situation.

    I know that probably is too late for me to become to a passable woman (when I do my make up I do not like the result, because I look like just a transvestite, and not a nice one). But I cannot live anymore as a man. Nobody knows my secret. From outside I am a ” successful and handsome guy“. But I dream about a totally different life.

    In the last 6 months my life changed a lot because I moved to a different city where I am alone. And it was also a turning point for me that I turned to 30yo. I thought a lot about my life and my future. I know that the transition takes a lot of effort and time in such age, but I already know that I have to do this.

    Now I know almost nothing about how to “transform” to a woman. Cosmetics, make up, hair, fashion are all new for me. This is also true for the fashion. I tried to be masculine in my whole life and did not take attention for feminine things. But nowadays I am really interested in everything regarding beauty care. I think if I immerse myself in this world I have a chance to be as feminine as possible (I also think about that I should attend to beauty school).
    I think I need a professional support to be as feminine as possible without wasting more time. It would be great that this professional was also a transgender herself. I want to find my female version with her.

    Hormones after 30.
    Do the hormones work after 30 year? I heard that orchiectomy is also a good option. I have heard the maybe both option is the best in such age.

    Relationships and sexuality
    I had few girlfriends in my life, but to be honest I felt that they were like friends for me.
    I am virgin. I tried to have sex with a woman last year (first time), but I felt no sexual feelings and my penis didn’t not got hard. We tried it few times, but nothing happened. After that I tried to question my sexuality. I was too afraid to try with a man, but I bought a dildo few months ago. I love to use it. It really strengthened my feminine side and showed me what I have to do to get sexual feelings. I crave to ride this dildo few times a week and more and more think about with guys.
    To be honest I never imagined that I have sex with a woman. Since my childhood I only imagined myself in a submissive position.
    I think I have to write about my masturbation also.
    My penis does not bother me. To be honest when I masturbate I think that my penis is a guy’s penis and not mine. Nowadays I feel that I should try with real penis.
    I can suck my penis. My body is really flexible thanks to the lot of trainings since my childhood. Sometimes I suck my own cock. I really like it and nowadays I also feel that craving for to suck.
    After masturbation I almost everytime feel shame and I do not like myself (how could I do that? I am sick?). I tried to not masturbate for a month. I felt more and more feminine and I thought more and more about guys. In the last few months I try to only masturbate with dildo without jerking. I can reach orgasm with touching myself and what was really strange for me that I feel no shame after masturbation. So I tried to focus in such masturbation. It helps me to connect with my feminine side.
    (I am really afraid of first sex with a guy. What if I do not like it? What if that all my masturbation with the dildo and selfsucking are only fetish? But I think that is more likely that I will love with real thing. Moreover I am a 30yo virgin and I think this is also not normal.)

    I do not feel that I am gay. I feel that first I have to be a woman. I only can imagine myself with a guy if I look like and live as a woman. In the last few months I think a lot about guys. I feel that if I start a new life now maybe I have a chance look to like a woman and find a guy. I think I also suppressed my feelings toward guys..

    Fetish or Transsexualism
    Earlier I thought that this is normal for a teenager, but now I am 30yo. Then I thought that this is just a fetish. But in more and more field of my life I feel that probably I would be happier as a woman. What would you ask me regarding this? I think I tried to convince myself that “this is just a fetish”, because in that way I does not need to face with the real deal...

    The advantages of late transition
    What do you think what are the advantages? I always try to see the good things and it would also help me.

    I have written all my thoughts. Maybe too openly. But I think I had to do this, to help to solve my situation.

    Vivien
     
  2. Missy Chrissie

    Missy Chrissie Well-Known Contributor
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    Baby steps darling ! Start by getting some ladies magazines. Look at the advertising and read some articles. Observe women on the street, check their hair and makeup, etc. Genetic women don’t dress like tramps ‘usually’, they blend in.

    There are tons of things you can do to your body that no one will notice on the outside. Shave your legs, your body everywhere. Trim your privates the way you like it! Nails, brows, etc are all things to work on.

    You can research your bra size and other clothing sizes on line and there are plenty of websites and companies that sell breast forms, etc. It takes years of experimentation, buying things that don’t fit and returning them. Women do that all the time so you can too !

    Baby steps, a little at a time and you will get there.
     
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  3. AudryLeigh
    Malnourished

    AudryLeigh Transsexual Lesbian
    Moderator Supporter Beloved Member

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    Thirty is NOT too late! I found myself at 60 and was living 110% as a woman, and 110% out to everyone by 62 (I keep thinking it was 50, but it wasn't). Started hormones at 69, and am very happy with the results. I never thought I'd pass as a woman. I can, but usually don't as it takes a lot of time to get my makeup just right. I do very subtle makeup, feeling that if you can easily tell I'm wearing makeup, it's too much. I have become very much female and even though I often don't exactly pass I am very feminine in my personality and interactions with other people. I am accepted and respected and actually loved (platonically) by virtually every person I know. The picture in my avatar is me very recently, at 73. No makeup, no curl in my hair, and a bit of a 5:00 shadow that doesn't show in the picture (thank God). Thanks to hormones, my breasts are real, and the dress really seems to give me a figure (I have a lot of clothes that do -- I have a LOT of clothes). If you really are a woman, you will probably eventually have to let that out and start living as your true and genuine self -- people who don't often end up with serious mental issues (depression, anxiety, suicidal ideations, etc.). I don't know what your environment is like, but it's the 21st century -- time for all of us to let ourselves be our authentic selves. Like Missy Chrissie said, baby steps.

    Hugs,
    Audry Leigh
     
  4. Amy-Rose
    Killer

    Amy-Rose Curious Explorer
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    I agree with the people above, you need to take it slow.

    I questioned my gender as well.

    There was a point in my life when I was certain that I was a man in a woman's body. Me and femininity were two parallel lines. I didn't feel like a girl.

    I did a lot of research on genders, I still do. Slowly, but surely, through reading and experimenting I understood that I'm a typical woman in many ways, despite the fact that I have a lot of masculine traits in my character.

    The journey to this conclusion took years.

    Your case may be the same as mine or maybe completely different. I don't know.

    I read psychology books, texts from various religions, the paths traditions offer to both genders. The reading resulted in experimentation and experimentation resulted into me turning into a living painting that creates myself each day.

    I'm a woman, a sister, and, maybe, one day I'll be a mother. I am alive and I, through my deeds, decide which tradition, created by the dead before me, gets to be carried on and which not, and I get to decide what kind of a woman, sister and mother I am and will be. Such is my right that I have as a living being and such is my obligation to those who will be born after me.

    I'm not discouraging you from transitioning. I am explaining what my approach to the doubts about my gender was and what it resulted in. I am writing this comment because I think you'd need this information while making the decision about your transition.

    Read, research, reinvent yourself, but take it slowly. It's OK to feel like who you are today is not what who you should be tomorrow.

    As for my sexuality, I currently identify as bi and suspect I'm a lesbian, I'm still learning about this part of myself. I'm a virgin too.

    I hope my story will help you to clear some of the confusion in your mind.
     
    #4 Amy-Rose, Aug 7, 2020
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2020
  5. Scandoll

    Scandoll Greenhorn
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    Hi there, I was in my 40s when I came out. When you figured it out really doesn't matter, there is no proper time or circumstances if it is who you are you deal with it. As to your concerns about being passable, defining that is a bit silly, if you are a woman then you are. We aren't all born beautiful on the outside, I grew up with a friend who was asked by a guy to marry her but to please get rid of her moustache before the wedding, she was only in her early 20s. My sister has an adams apple that...well it stands out. We all have flaws, most grew up with them, learned to accept them and realized they were not really ruining their lives, trans, suddenly deal with them later in life. I'm not pretty, I've been whistled at on the street, winked at, hit on, called ma'am and sir in the same day and had a co-worker that refused to go in the ladies room if I was in there. Yes it would be nice to be "passable" but I find I'm far more loved and understood by people as a not so cute woman then I ever was as a rather cute male. As for being nervous about first time sex, name someone who wasn't!
     

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