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Lesbian So much trouble with my anxiety

Discussion in 'Health - Physical/Mental' started by jennylane, May 23, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. jennylane
    Frustrated

    jennylane Greenhorn

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    Does anyone else here suffer from an anxiety disorder? I would love to hear what your experience have been and your coping mechanisms.

    Every time I have a panic attack, I feel so stupid and weak. I feel like I make more mistakes than other people. I made a LOT of mistakes this past month in work, and my boss had a talk with me. It is so painful to talk about it. I have been so grateful to keep my job during the quarantine. I don’t want to loose my job.

    I do graphic design, but my company could not hire me full time for that because they didn’t have the funds, so I help in accounting. I go through 320+ manually every month because our systems are not automated. I do my best, I take notes, I listen to my boss, I take my time.

    But I still made 20 mistakes this month that were smaller, and one larger mistake. The larger one, she admitted was partially her fault because she gave me bad advice. But she said “I can’t keep doing this every month with you”

    One time, she blew up at me on the phone, yelling at the top of her lungs because I accidentally refunded a customer 99 dollars after she refunded them. I typically do the refunds and she didn’t tell me she was doing the refund.

    I feel incompetent and stupid, like I can’t do anything right. Every time she gets angry with me, it sends me into a panic attack that takes DAYS to recover from. I went through an existential crisis this past week because of the mistakes I made.

    It happened on Wed, and I am STILL reeling from it today.

    Everyone around me in my support system tells me what an incredible job I am doing given recent circumstances, that I am not a number person, I am a creative right-brainer and I should be so proud that I recently got my master’s degree.

    It’s my boss that has hurt my confidence. Sometimes though, I feel like my anxiety os so bad that I am crawling out of my skin and I want to seize to exist. I am on meds, I have plenty of therapy, I eat healthy and exercise and listen to all of my loved ones. But I feel so weak for struggling this much...


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  2. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Well-Known Contributor
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    I am SO very sorry Jenny=( Please know you are NOT weak, not in the slightest and never have been. Anxiety is a horrible thing and its VERY hard to overcome. I also have it and have since I was born practically. It has been a phantom that has followed me my whole life long and I don't feel like its about to stop either. Anxiety can make us to a lot of things, but one of the main things is making us feel bad about ourselves by giving too much power to the negative things people say to us/their ideas of us. It isn't right for your boss to treat you like that, it sounds like you really are trying a great deal. You're already going above and beyond what most people in your position would because like you said, you're a graphics person, not an accountant. Its remarkable you've been able to do as much as you have with this job and I would be surprised if mistakes WEREN'T made! A lot of people have jobs where their bosses are awful to them unfortunately. I would just continue to try to do your very best like you have been and even though it is extremely difficult, remind yourself that you are doing a great job each and everyday, even if you make mistakes sometimes. You're doing a great job just by DOING this job. AND, every time you go to work and do your job, even though you are nervous and anxious, that doesn't show weakness, but strength and bravery. You could have just tapped out and quit, but you haven't. That on its own is commendable.

    If you ever want to talk, about anxiety or anything, i'd be happy to<3 I know how rough it can be, there's still a lot I struggle with too.
     
  3. jennylane
    Frustrated

    jennylane Greenhorn

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    That post brought tears to my eyes. Just to hear that someone else experience the exact same feelings I do means the world. Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I re-read this a few times because it meant so much to me.


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  4. Iharos
    Bookworm

    Iharos Addictive Contributor
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    Hey jennylane! :) 

    My best friend suffers from anxiety, too. I have been there for her as much as I can and could, and slowly she gets a hang of how to deal with it.
    After one of our night-long conversations I told her something that hopefully can help you find some comfort, too: You are everything but weak. Yes, your path is filled with stones and rocks and climbing them is tough. But do come to a halt and turn around. Look back at your path. See how many rocks you have climbed, how many stones you tossed away. You have great strength in you. And only because of how strong you are were you able to walk such a hard path.
    Only you know which mountains there have been already - and there might be more. But every once in a while to turn back and see where your strength has already brought you.
     
  5. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Well-Known Contributor
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    Awww<3 Well please, if you ever want to talk or even just be friends, you are MORE than welcome to write me at anytime<3
     
  6. jennylane
    Frustrated

    jennylane Greenhorn

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    Thank you so much for that. That is so true!!! I often forget all of the stones I have overcome, and have to look back to remember. Thank you


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