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So deeply lost

Discussion in 'Questioning & General LGBT' started by peachy, Sep 19, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. peachy
    Feminine

    peachy sweet

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    I feel I have no where else to turn. I’m feeling so deeply lost. I’m a married women with children. My story is quite complex, but will try to give a shortened version. In my younger years I began to question my sexuality, in high school I found myself more curious began to explore with other girls. It wasn’t until I went through severe depression, bullying, I than began to date men. After graduating, i’d met my husband, we married, and from the beginning i’ve been honest about my interest in sleeping with women. Through almost all years of our marriage we have had partly opened. My husband has been open minded in my curiosity to sleep with other women. So as the years have gone on, some of my relationships grew to be a little longer than others. Many became intense, I found myself truly caring for these women.. and somewhere along the way I realize how much I truly am thinking about women in general. My denial of who I am and what i’m truly looking for is starting to become more and more obvious and real. My therapist tries to claim my relationship may have began in fitting social norms. I sometimes deeply fantasize about other women in ways I simply can’t ever a man. I feel turned on by anything sexual with women on tv, never men. I may find other women attractive if i’m out in public. I often have vivid dreams at night of meeting a woman, falling in love, running off to marry her. When I don’t have a current side girlfriend, i’m almost always looking, fantasizing about a love that could grow and change a life. So much that it takes up such thought, i’m fantasizing and thinking of just a women’s touch again. I want to mention how much I love my husband so deeply. He is a wonderful man whom i’m so incredibly thankful for. We’ve had many honest, trusting, open minded and loving conversations in regard of everything. But regardless of how I am feeling, he wishes to stay married as he loves me so much, and continues to allow me to date women on the side. I understand this. We’ve made it through so much and I care so much for him. I do wonder if the love I have while incredibly strong is simply different than who i’ll ever be deep down. Through therapy, I think many of my denial, suppressed feelings, convincing myself it’s just exploration, has all much deeper. I want more with women- more than flings, more than sex, I want a friendship, one filled with passion, burning with intimacy, true care and commitment. My life is so deeply rooted now, especially with our children. and I feel so terribly selfish for feeling the way that I do. I often wonder if anyone in my life would ever even forgive me to make a decision so huge. So instead I will sit. and I will continue to move through my days. But how long can one listen to the thoughts, those that linger in the back, and the odd feelings in my gut, shaking off the intensity when I meet a woman I tell myself that I bet I could fall in love with... How long can you shake off the feelings, the ones who questions reflections and responses. I’m simply not sure what I am meant to be in this life.
     
    #1 peachy, Sep 19, 2020
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2020
  2. Jo A
    Innocent

    Jo A ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
    Premium Supporter Beloved Member

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    Welcome to a safe and wonderful place where we do not judge and we do listen.

    You have done a wonderful job of spelling out you life.

    Your husband sounds so close to being wonderful but if you are a lesbian, a person who loves you would realized they cannot keep you as you need to be free to be you.

    You sound like you are afraid to take the label lesbian as it will force you to take the next step and leave your husband.

    If you do take accept being a lesbian you can still be a platonic lover with your husband but as friends.

    This means you will be single and in the dating world.

    Last thing - It is your life, your soul, your happiness. You are not taking care of you if you do not see, embrace and love who you are. You will be in pain and never ever able to dig out.

    Please accept my love, hug, and hope you see you are wonderful and embrace just how special you are - Jo
     
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  3. peachy
    Feminine

    peachy sweet

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    Thank you for your response. You’re very kind.
    I suppose there’s so much of me wondering where one would even start. I fear i’ll be so alone in this process if everyone turns out to hate me. I’m also scared that there’s a chance I could be wrong, that they end up as lustful thoughts. What if I miss my life, my husband? Although I guess I probably would regardless
     
    #3 peachy, Sep 20, 2020
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2020
  4. Jo A
    Innocent

    Jo A ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
    Premium Supporter Beloved Member

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    I know there is a lot to think about.

    take your time and look in your soul.

    It takes time.

    Long hug.

    PS - start a conversation if you wish to get deeper.
     

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