1. Like the site? Help us keep it running! For $5 you can help keep the site running smoothly and disable ads for life. The site is funded by donations like this and minimal ad revenue: Click here to donate $5. Thank you!

Seeking advice/words of wisdom

Discussion in 'Transgender' started by inlandharp, Feb 14, 2020.  |  Print Topic

Support the site and hide ads for life for $5. Click here to donate.

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 4 users.
  1. inlandharp

    inlandharp Lurker

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2020
    Messages:
    2
    Ratings:
    +1 / 0 / -0
    Hello all. Two days ago I accepted that I am trans. This may sound cliché, but I feel like I’ve known most my life, but I ignored the thought Or was simply ignorant of it. However as I grow older the cycle of me knowing I am and then denial and depression renews itself more and more often. I just turned 22 and I know I am still growing physically and mentally, and I want to grow into that person I see myself as and I feel I truly am. I tried to talk to my mom about how I felt three years ago and also my ex and both made me feel like I had a problem that needed resolved through therapy or medication.
    Two days ago, I came out to my boyfriend of a year and a half. Recently him and I moved across the country together and everything has been falling into place and looking up for us here. We’re also in a 12 month contract for an apartment. When I came out to him, he felt betrayed. He mentioned that he could not help but think I planned on getting him to move here with me so I could come out and he’d be stuck. I assured him that I had not accepted my identity similarly to him not having accepted his orientation in the past. We talked more and he told me that he could not be with a woman, as he has no attraction to them. He likes the way I look now and without that he could not be with me. I was hurt, for if the tables were turned I would not be bothered, because I love him most for his mind. Upon telling him that, his comparison was, “it would be like me being okay with you killing someone if I were already conspiring to murder.” I tried further to explain to him that I didn’t think my feeling this way was contingent on social expectation so much as it was upon my perception of myself, physically and mentally. Yes, some of those perceptions are rooted into cultural/social aspects but to ignore those things would fly in the face of reason. He told me that me “becoming a woman” is me giving in to social expectations whilst I believe doing nothing at all would be giving into those who say I should not pursue who I truly am.
    I talked to him about hormone replacement therapy and he told me that he could not handle know that I was doing it. He would not go with me to the doctor or hear anything of it. We’ve gotten into two arguments relating to me coming out.
    I guess my questions are how should I handle all of this? Is it selfish of me to sacrifice a previously good relationship to be happy with myself? How can I make this transition as easy on all parties as possible?
     
  2. Jo A
    Innocent

    Jo A Devoted Ambassador
    Premium Supporter Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2018
    Messages:
    1,358
    Location:
    WI
    Ratings:
    +1,473 / 0 / -1
    Oh my you have a lot in your first request but first a long hug filled with hope.

    Second, welcome to a wonderful site full of wonderful people and a place you can call home.

    I am old, non binary and came to accepting myself at age 62 and when I did, it was with a friend who showed me how to love and respect myself. She also taught me when I come out, I am not asking for permission but express and showing who and what I am and just how happy I am.

    The need for others to approve who and what you are is natural but you must start with the basics and build your foundation on that. That means loving YOU.

    When I came out to my wife, my presentation sucked but I was not asking for her approval but I was willing to let her be free if that is what she wanted.

    I am male for sex and female for gender and have no plans to transition.

    It was my strength in myself that made our conversations go well and we are together and now shop together and she loves my ability to pick out fun things in the clothing departments.

    So it may hurt a lot to leave your partner, you need to do what is needed to be YOU.

    I am sure other nice people will come along and I am not telling you what to do. You must search your heart and soul for that.

    I will you luck and love - Jo
     
  3. bi-fi signal
    Happy

    bi-fi signal *bi intensifies*
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2020
    Messages:
    200
    Location:
    slytherin dorm
    Ratings:
    +131 / 0 / -0
    hi, welcome to the family and congrats on being able to accept yourself!

    i'm sorry that you're in this kind of situation rn. i may not be giving the best advice but i think that if your bf isn't supportive of who you are whatsoever and won't even go to the doctor w u, then i don't really see your relationship working out. i'm sorry that this is my advice but i don't think that it's selfish of you at all to sacrifice a relationship for self content. you should live your life as you, not as someone who everyone else wants you to be.

    sry if my advice wasn't helpful, sending a hug :) 
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    • List
  4. inlandharp

    inlandharp Lurker

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2020
    Messages:
    2
    Ratings:
    +1 / 0 / -0
    Thank you both for replying and giving such wonderful advice and words of support. I know if things do now work out between us I will survive and soon all will be well again. I especially like what was said about self content. I haven’t been completely happy with myself, and aspects of our relationship have already suffered as a result. Our lives are so intertwined right now and I know that’s why I’m so bothered by his reception. We are in the 12 month lease together, we work at the same job, and we are the only ones we really know way out here in the Southwest US. Both of our family is on the east coast or Midwest so I could see why he would feel trapped if things do not work out between us.
    I want to ask you both, and anyone else who happens by this post. Was I at fault for assuming he’d be understanding. That I said if the tables were turned I would still love him despite any external changes? Should I not have expected the same from him as I would for myself, since he is not me? Honestly, since he told me what he did, I feel the relationship I thought we had devalued.
     
  5. bi-fi signal
    Happy

    bi-fi signal *bi intensifies*
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2020
    Messages:
    200
    Location:
    slytherin dorm
    Ratings:
    +131 / 0 / -0
    you're welcome :) 

    no, i don't think you were at fault. there was no way you could've known whether he would be accepting or not. with how strong your relationship was with your bf, anyone would've assumed that he'd have been supportive, but he unexpectedly wasn't. i don't think theres anything wrong with expecting that from him, bc that's what he should've done. sry if this doesn't rly make sense
     
  6. Edmonde
    Sunshine

    Edmonde Hot Cookie

    Joined:
    Sunday
    Messages:
    39
    Ratings:
    +23 / 0 / -0
    Love yourself! Grow yourself and be in an environment where people love you for YOU! Feelings and urges are oftentimes hard to articulate as many are colored through experiences and expectations of others.

    If you were a man's body one day, then the next a woman's body, then the next some combination thereof, if people love YOU and are supportive, does it really matter?

    Grow who you are in courage and confidence. You have to love yourself for real and be around people who love you for real, without pre-conditions!
     

Support the site and hide ads for life for $5. Click here to donate.

Share This Page