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Relationship Troubles

Discussion in 'Gay' started by Axle2152, Oct 24, 2018.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Axle2152

    Axle2152 Lurker

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    My boyfriend likes to tease me a lot and in sort of mean ways, this isn't the poking fun sort of stuff but kind of vuglar stuff and yeah I've got to where I give it back to him. I've tried talking to him about it trying to drop every hint and notion that he's taking it too far. It just gets annoying and kind of awkward when he does this crap in front of his friends who I don't know very well. I'm trying to be a good sport but not always in the mood for his joking around.

    Of course as soon as he makes me upset or I point it out or whatever it is like I dumped ice cold water on him.

    That all aside he has been good to me, I don't think I would have issues with him cheating on me but when it comes to sensitivity and him being selfish about things there's some issues. Any time I try to talk serious about something it seems like he comes back with saying that I'm just dramatic or too sensitive. He changes his mind about things he wants to do, makes plans with me and then cancels them. Twice this year I've taken a week off work only for him to cancel plans. If I tell him that I'm upset his response is I need to get over it and shit happens. I mean yeah I know shit happens but it is difficult enough to get time off and just seems like he doesn't really care about my feelings. Maybe not that he doesn't care but rather he see my reactions overblown and mind you it's not like I'm flipping out or anything.

    It is just frustrating and there is a lot of good stuff but he's wanting me to move to Atlanta, I live in a rural area, have a good job (doesn't pay much but benefits and perks kind of make up for it). The problems I'm having do not really make me think I should quit my job and move in with him when there's these sort of problems getting in the way.

    We also don't have sex, he, apparently, doesn't like it. I've brought it up over and over and nothing happens on his part. I've been more than patient with him on that subject and I understand that in the long haul sex doesn't matter that much, at least not to me. I certainly would rather have more sex than not.

    I don't know, I do kind of think I need to part ways with him and move on or at least concentrate on myself. Being in your 30's and gay is well, like being in your 50's. Ageism runs rampant in the gay community, or it certainly seems so. I kind of want kids and no where near coming close to that among other things I want in life. He has been kind of dodgy about the having kids question but I suspect he doesn't want any.

    Likewise with these sort of posts I know there's no magical answer and I know one can paint a totally different picture about what's really going on (there's two sides to every story).
     
  2. mask1985
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    mask1985 Shy bi guy
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    Hi Axle2152 welcome to the forums.

    It sounds like the relationship is far from perfect so I wouldn't rush into upping sticks and moving to be with him until you can resolve at least some of the key issues.

    From what you say he seems to be insensitive to your feelings despite you making it clear that you don't appreciate some of his comments.

    The issues of sex and having children are also pretty important and both of you really need to be in agreement for any long term relationship to work in my opinion.

    I'm surprised at the ageism issue because I have always found, at least over here in England, that there is far less stigma about this in the LGBT community.

    I really hope you can work things out but I would agree that maybe you need to start focussing on yourself and what you really want from a relationship.
     
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  3. angel70
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    angel70 The Old Guy
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    Except for the traffic, Atlanta is a great city -- but the best reason I can see for you to move there is to find a new boyfriend. I'm sure one's options have to be rather limited in the rural south, and that may be the main reason you've stayed with him.

    Okay, I'm sure he has his good points or you wouldn't have taken up with him to begin with, but somebody who is self-involved and inconsiderate is very poor boyfriend material. You can't expect him to read your mind, but if you've told him what makes you unhappy -- and, perhaps more important, what makes you happy -- you should have seen at least a decent effort to satisfy your needs.
     
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    #3 angel70, Oct 25, 2018
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2018
  4. Axle2152

    Axle2152 Lurker

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    I also have to objective when it comes to myself too. I have my own basket of issues that would too be justification for someone to leave me.

    As far as Atlanta goes... Yes traffic is horrible lol. I'm also not a very social person. I get very anxious in crowded spaces and that's pretty much anywhere in Atlanta that you want to be. The biggest thing right now that is keeping me from moving anywhere is money and career. I have a state job which has a lot of perks and good benefits....doesn't have the best salary but unless I just do a terrible job or piss off the wrong people I have a job for life most likely. Atlanta does have a lot of job opportunities but most of them are temporary, contract and startups that make me uncomfortable with. For me it has to be the right job.

    I won't go into money issues but in short. I have a ton of debt that I have to pay off before I can afford to move. Right now, living with family... If it weren't for that I would have to live in my car and file for bankruptcy. Simple as that.

    That all being said, he is good to me most all of the time it is just a few issues that we need to work through....

    In my opening post I did say there's always more to the story. When it comes to the lack of sex issue. I did learn a while back and neglected to mention it because it is important. He was sexually abused by a relative when he was a kid and I think that is a lot of the reasons he doesn't want to have sex. That being said, yes, I think it is something he needs to work on... Of course, I can't force him to work on that, that is something I think should be on his own terms.

    The best thing I can do about these things is to get him to open up and discuss it. Maybe therapy. I'm not stranger to therapy. I have bad anxiety at times and I go to a therapist for that, it does help.

    Sometimes I wonder if I am the selfish sob who's being unreasonable. I mean the time we do spend together is good, we go to dinner he almost always pays for mine or anything else we do, go to movies, etc. We get along for the most part.

    The question is am I really better of without him than with him. Is this stuff going to be stuff we can work on and both grow from each other?
     
  5. angel70
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    angel70 The Old Guy
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    in my state as well as yours, state jobs have good benefits and are very hard to lose -- so it's totally understandable that you want to keep it. Too much work is "independent contractor" bullshit these days.

    Couples therapy would be great if you can afford the co-pays. If your boyfriend has insurance too, maybe you could work something out where both your insurances can apply. (I'm not sure how that might happen if you're not married, but it's worth inquiring.)

    Abuse victims frequently have trust issues, and some of his things that bother you could be his way of testing you -- but it's also possible that he's just not that well attuned to your needs. It's funny, but the way he responds to your complaints sounds a lot like the way a lot of straight men interact with their wives or girlfriends.

    If he moves to Atlanta and leaves you behind, the choice will have been made for you, of course -- but if you're going to hang on with him, it's going to require some better communication. Maybe you could work on it when he's not pissing you off -- if you're angry or upset, it just will make him defensive.

    Good luck -- and I hope you can afford your own place ASAP.
     
  6. Axle2152

    Axle2152 Lurker

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    angel70 He has moved to Atlanta over this past summer. It's about a 2 hour drive for me. Not the end of the world, I've been driving a hybrid for a while and definitely helps on the gas side of things. He doesn't like staying with me for obvious reasons but trying to get him to do it every once in a while would be nice. I can't afford to put tons and tons of miles on my car while paying off a loan.

    I don't think he's mean because he's mean I really think a lot of the time he doesn't understand that some of the things he does is mean or hurtful. The joking around is all fun and games but it does get old because almost anytime we're texting, on the phone or in person...he's doing it.

    As far as moving out, well I dug a pretty good hole...so going to be a while.
     

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