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reconnecting with mother

Discussion in 'For Parents or Guardians of LGBT+ Children' started by Thief King Bakura, Nov 13, 2018.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Thief King Bakura
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    Thief King Bakura Bakura vi Britannia
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    Hello, I am reconnecting with my mother. I thought I'd at least give it a shot since I'm currently estranged from my toxic father. I missed her honestly. But I'm going to take my time and see how it goes. She still misgenders and deadnames me. I'm doing my best ro be firm and correct her. She seems a bit more open than my father. But again I'm being cautiously optimistic.

    Am I doing the right thing here? Guess I couldn't hold a grudge forever. I don't know.
     
  2. Thief King Bakura
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    Thief King Bakura Bakura vi Britannia
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    I thought things would be different. She still misgenders, even no matter how much I tried correcting me. It hurts. I don't know what to do. Guess go no contact again? I don't know anymore....she told me that I'm always going to be alone if I keep telling people to accept me for who I am. WTF? I don't know what to think....guess I was a fool in hoping that we could reconcile our differences. Damnit. *cries*
     
  3. Zannan
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    Zannan Curious Explorer
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    Hey, I get it's hard. But, the truth is, you never have to accept someone who demeans (what purposeful misgendering/deadnaming is) you. I think people often get it in their heads that you must try because family is family. Truth is you didn't choose who birthed you, you owe no one anything.

    If she isn't trying to connect with you, what's the point in trying to connect?

    And saying you'll be alone if you want people to accept you is bs. Don't light yourself on fire to keep others warm.
     
  4. Thief King Bakura
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    Thief King Bakura Bakura vi Britannia
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    Daymn bro, thank you so much! I needed to hear that. You are so right. Thanks for giving me the reality check I needed.
     
  5. angel70
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    angel70 The Old Guy
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    It's good that you gave it a try, but sometimes we have to create our own families from scratch. Dear friends are the families we make for ourselves, and often are far superior to the ones we're born to.
     
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  6. Thief King Bakura
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    Thief King Bakura Bakura vi Britannia
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    As usual, you guys are right. I feel so sick to my stomach. Reason being, reconnecting with my mother has been a bloody disaster. Why did I do it when I knew that it wasn't going to charge? I admit it that I had a moment of weakness. Mother keeps misgendering me. It's a mistake. Should I resume no contact? My gut says yes.

    Get this, she even said that I "will alwsys be her daughter" despite telling her that I'm 9 months on T. I feel sick for that reason. Apparently my toxic father also told her about me taking out a restraining order against him and that "people are putting ideas in my head." I can't win with these people. I know if I go no contact again, I will hear about it. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I don't know what to do. I told her my father abused me. Then she brought up past bullshit, she's still guilt tripping me. Bitch hasn't changed. I now know that a functional relationship with my "parents" is not possible.

    Least I tried right? I was stupid enough to make another fb too. Delete it or just block my toxic mother? Already blocked my father,...
     
    #6 Thief King Bakura, Nov 14, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2018
  7. Thief King Bakura
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    Thief King Bakura Bakura vi Britannia
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    UPDATE; I just now blocked my mother. I couldn't take her deadnaming me or her misgendering me anymore. ಠ_ಠ

    One more thing I would like to add, she made me (my toxic mother) feel so uncomfortable. I should have hung up from our video call but I couldn't find the button. It was disgusting how much she belittled me. I am more angered by it than hurt, like what the fuck!? Who talks like that to their kid? I did try to re-establish a relationship but now I realize one can't be had. I mean I totally get it takes time but she has had a chance, I gave her 3 strikes and she burnt them up. What got me was her invalidating my abuse at the hands of my toxic father, I hate them both so much. Damn! I'm so angry I could spit nails! Not angry with anyone here but at them. Can't believe she said what sh did. Why did I tell her about being on the, oh cause she noticed my beard, she made it sound like I was "choosing" to be trans. Uh no. Wow. She kept saying how she raised me as a woman, why did I suddenly change...blah fucking blah. I can't have a healthy relationship ship with her or my narc father, I realize that now.,.
     
    #7 Thief King Bakura, Nov 14, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2018
  8. Winnie Rinn
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    Winnie Rinn Demigirl and Pansexual
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    Hey, I'm a little late here, but as always I'm gonna randomly add something:
    It is right for you to be blocking out your parents. Don't ever forget that you have a family here, no matter what happens, and we will never, ever leave. You are always good enough for the people that really care. We love you <3
     
  9. Jinxie
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    Jinxie Queen of Dragons
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    The blood of the covenant is thicker than water
     
  10. Thief King Bakura
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    Thief King Bakura Bakura vi Britannia
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    May I ask what you mean by that? If you're implying that things between me and my mother will get better, you're mistaken. It's already moved past the point of no return. I'm loyal to you guys here more than anyone else.
     
  11. Jinxie
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    Jinxie Queen of Dragons
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    No not at all! It means the ties of bonds like friends you make and the family you choose are much stronger than the blood relations. The family you made on this website, the bond is much stronger.
     
  12. Thief King Bakura
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    Thief King Bakura Bakura vi Britannia
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    I guess deep down I knew that. Thank you for clearing my doubt. That is so true. Yes, the family I have here as well as the bonds I've forged is much stronger. It's what keeps me going.
     
  13. Jinxie
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    We are all here for you!!!
     
  14. Skylar657
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    Skylar657 Stale Cheeto
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    Like others said, I know this is late, but after reading this I had to say it:

    You are loved, and respected. You did the right thing, you have her another chance, and she threw it away. She doesn’t deserve to have a child like you if she can’t accept who they are.

    Like others said, you have a family here, and while I and others may not know you that well, we’ll still be here with you through almost anything

    Sending my love! ❤️
    Skylar
     
    #14 Skylar657, Nov 28, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2018
  15. zen

    zen Curator, Royal Academy of Inappropriate Handshake
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    God, I can't believe how your parents keep hurting you every chance they are given. They clearly are in denial, and living in the past memories of you, but seems don't have any will to step forward into the current situation and future, as well as to have constructive conversation with you.

    I bet you have tried everything at this stage, but have you tried sending some videos explaining transgenderism and how other more accepting parents are dealing with their children? There are not many good ones, but I've watched some good ones made by experts and with enough scientific facts about us to your parent?
     
  16. Thief King Bakura
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    Unfortunately, my "relationship"s past the point of no return. There is no reasoning with my mother or father. The relationship I have had with them was toxic and even if I did show them videos or any other medium about transgender and even with scientific backing, they wouldn't care. Especially my father, he's even been given some resources when he was with me at a therapy appointment with my former therapist, and he didn't even bother to get educated about the subject.

    I do appreciate your advice and how poinient it is. In an ideal world, I could reconcile with them and they would educate themselves and reach an understanding. However, that's not possible. They're both toxic and even before I told them I was trans, our relationship wasn't good. I could spend hours talking about it. In a nutshell, it's past the point of no return, they have both had a chance to build a better relationship with me. I've given them both too many chances and they've failed Everytime. Not too long ago, I was basically disowned by my father on Thanksgiving. So yeah....it's not possible.. unfortunately.

    However I appreciate your advice and would apply it if reasoning with them was possible..but it isn't. I've tried and said everything I could possibly say. It didn't make a difference. Can't say I didn't try. They just didn't want to try to have a functional relationship with me..I've tried more than once and every time has ended with the same toxicity and crap..not doing it again. As of now I don't have a mother or father. They've made their choice and now I've made mine.
     
  17. zen

    zen Curator, Royal Academy of Inappropriate Handshake
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    It seems like it, yeah. I've been reading your troubles with your parents for a while, and now I kind of got the situation. I usually say to LGBTQ+ kids who have difficult relationship with their parents to at least keep trying, because if something, such as an accident or health issue, happens they may have to rely on their family, but in a case like yours, it's better you keep some distance from your parents because they seem like they are stubbornly determined to deny everything who you are and the logic behind it, and are constantly hurting you. They chose what they want over what you need, and such parents don't qualify to be anyone's parent.

    What I worry about you, though, is, do you have anyone close by who can support you emotionally and willing to support you in other means such as financially or with physical presence? You are still student, right? How are you managing your life alone?

    I had a friend who married to this (Brit) guy, and he was treated badly by his mother. Among his siblings, he was the only target of his own mother's hate since he was fairly young (their father passed when he was young). I don't know what got his mother like this, but somehow this toxic mother only gave money and support for other kids (she was rather well-off), but not to him even after he became an adult. It must have hurt him so much, he's a very sensitive guy when I met him. He was dependent on welfare, and traveled all over the world and became kind of like a hippie, I guess he couldn't handle regular pressures of normal life among regular people. Long story short, he did reconcile with his mother, around the time he got married to my friend, after years of conflicts between them. They even started to live together in his mother's house and doing fine the last time I heard from them. Similar thing may happen to you. I only hope it won't take that much time for you when it happens.
     
  18. Rufus Night
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    Rufus Night The Other Old Guy
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    It's very sad having to decide to give up on your parents but sometimes it is the only way to go forward with your life and to stop them poisoning you. For very different reasons I gave up on both my parents. Ironically my sexuality was not a problem for either of them, they were toxic in other ways. I did eventually reach a better relationship with my mother after she made major changes to her life but that was entirely due to her deciding to change.

    My best friend died two years ago and his loss hit me much harder than the loss of a parent would. Friends are the family you choose and they are all the better family for
     
  19. angel70
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    angel70 The Old Guy
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    Let's face it -- your parents are psychos. It's a sign of your personal strength that you're doing as well as you are, having grown up with an abusive father and an enabling mother. Nothing is going to change them short of a lobotomy.

    Strong as you've been, though, you still have some healing to do. Your transition is bound to help a lot -- at least by reducing your dysphoria -- but your parents left you with some open wounds. When you reached out to your mother. it wasn't just a stab at winning her understanding of acceptance -- I think you may have some sense of responsibility towards her. It's not uncommon among kids of deeply dysfunctional parents. It's hard for children to give up the fantasy that they were loved, even when all evidence points to the contrary.

    I don't think you're quite finished struggling with the idea of a complete break from your parents -- which means a complete break from your past. We're here to support you, of course, but you might consider an IRL support group for victims of abuse. Often, a real-life interaction with people who had similar or parallel experiences can help you deal better with your own history -- so you genuinely can move on.
     

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