1. Like the site? Help us keep it running! For $5 you can help keep the site running smoothly and disable ads for life. The site is funded by donations like this and minimal ad revenue: Click here to donate $5. Thank you!

Recluse...

Discussion in 'Questioning & General LGBT' started by Reclusive1, Jun 30, 2020 at 10:49 PM.  |  Print Topic

Support the site and hide ads for life for $5. Click here to donate.

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 3 users.
  1. Reclusive1

    Reclusive1 Lurker

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2018
    Messages:
    3
    Ratings:
    +4 / 0 / -0
    Stuck in a lie…I think. I’ve been a tomboy my entire life. I’ve worn a baseball hat for as long as I can remember and have never really dressed in women’s/female’s clothes. I’m everything that comes with the country lifestyle, I wear boots, jeans and t-shirts. I wear bigger shirts because I refuse to wear any tight fitting around my chest. I’ve always hated breasts and periods. I find it absolutely disgusting. I want to have a reduction or removed completely but then I’d be questioned/disapproved of, but a reduction wouldn’t be as obvious since I ride horses and I say “breasts get in the way”.

    I’ve been attracted to women all my life too, however, lesbians/gay people are frowned upon in my family. My mother has always talked hateful to me even as a kid, calling me dyke, butch and whatever mean things she could think of even though I’ve never admitted to anything. My sisters assume I’m lesbian and tell me it’s ok, but honestly I don’t believe them. Their husbands and their families don’t agree with gays/homosexual people. The husbands constantly talk crap which only makes me closed off even more. One of the husbands I think feels threatened by me. He’s not very mechanically inclined and doesn’t have the car knowledge/experience that I do. He gets offended when my sister asks me to fix something because he can’t or will make it worse or I know something he doesn’t, especially since he has 13 years on me.

    I had long hair 99% of my life and cut it off for a few years. I felt a little better about myself but then I started getting called sir, which has never bothered me, however, it clearly bothers my family. I feel as if they are embarrassed, because if I’m with them and get mistaken as a guy, people assume they are lesbians because of my appearance. I’ve been growing my hair out because I know how much it bothers them. I’m also considering getting my ears pierced again (haven’t worn earring since I was 5/6 years old) to try and appear more feminine for them.

    I feel as though I’ll never be able to be who I am, because I’ll never be accepted or their husbands will never accept/understand. I’ve never actually had a relationship with anyone because my life is like I’m a bug under a magnifying glass. I honestly don’t see myself as someone anyone would be attracted to and I definitely won’t post my pictures anywhere because the world is small and someone that knows my family may see, and I’m not up for being questioned, flamed or disowned. I don’t like confrontation. I guess it’s a good thing for horses and dogs because they don’t judge me and I can’t disappoint them. I’m sorry for the long rant…I guess I needed a place to vent.
     
  2. ToniLes87
    Sleepy

    ToniLes87 Addictive Contributor
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2020
    Messages:
    180
    Location:
    Greece
    Ratings:
    +217 / 0 / -0
    Hi, welcome and I'm sorry you are going through this. I have to ask you though, getting away from them and living on your own isn't an option? Hasn't it ever been an option? You can't go on living a life someone else wants you to live for them because they are homophobic, closeminded, full of complexes or whatever this will only drive you crazy! Get the bridles of your life on your hands girl! Or sir if you prefer that :D 
     
  3. Reclusive1

    Reclusive1 Lurker

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2018
    Messages:
    3
    Ratings:
    +4 / 0 / -0
    I could move away. I’m in my early 30s, however, I feel obligated to stay around or if moved that I would have to take my mother. My mother is extremely hateful/rude and she has mental/Alzheimer’s issues. None of my siblings have learned/had to ignore her hatefulness. She will never be accepted into a living area because I know she’ll be combative and my sisters have families and they can’t handle her verbal abuse. They were lucky and lived my father growing up. They didn’t have the verbal/mental abuse that I grew up with, which is probably why I’m not as patient with my mother as they are with her memory/judgement/hatefulness.

    I recently graduated college to get a degree that I can make a career with so I’m really not limited to one area.

    Sometimes I do feel like I’m missing out and other times I don’t because the world has made everything disposable and that includes relationships. I don’t like drama.

    I don’t really have any friends here because I keep to myself. Plus this state and surrounding states aren’t really acceptable of gays/lesbians.

    I really don’t care about pronouns. I’ve always wanted to be male my entire life but that’ll never happen, however, I don’t get bothered being called either one, unless someone is with me and becomes uneasy because they wonder if people think they are lesbians/we are a couple.
     
  4. ToniLes87
    Sleepy

    ToniLes87 Addictive Contributor
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2020
    Messages:
    180
    Location:
    Greece
    Ratings:
    +217 / 0 / -0
    Yeah I strongly believe you should move out and live your life the way you want. I'm sorry about your mom but I don't think you should feel obligated to take care of her. It's another thing if you really want to. But you are still young and you have a whole life ahead of you and you deserve to be happy and leave all the pain and misery you have been experiencing behind. And despite the fact that you grew up in a hostile environment you sound balanced and sane. That means you love and respect yourself and you know your worth. So I really hope you do the right thing for you! :) 
     
  5. Kahlan

    Kahlan Well-Known Advisor
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2019
    Messages:
    795
    Location:
    NW USA
    Ratings:
    +1,242 / 0 / -2
    My mother tries to control my life...right down to my hairstyle, clothing, makeup, jewelry, behavior, interests, the way my house looks, who I should be looking for in a mate, job, school, drinking coffee at night, etc etc. She lives 3000 miles away, and I listen to her 1-2 weeks out of the year to keep the peace...there's nothing like a little breathing room to help spread those wings. I agree with Toni, you should begin the process of making that plan to put distance between yourself and those who seek to undermine who you are, just because it makes them feel better about being seen with you. There is a difference between being respectful, (growing your hair out, etc.) and being the doormat. (growing your hair out, etc.) I tend to try and get to the bottom of why people are behaving the way they are, so I can see if my own actions and reactions are sensible or fear based. I hope things get easier for you. :) 
     
    #5 Kahlan, Jul 1, 2020 at 2:13 PM
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2020 at 2:14 PM

Support the site and hide ads for life for $5. Click here to donate.

Share This Page