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Questions about asexuality

Discussion in 'Asexual & Grey-Ace' started by Corvus, Nov 18, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    First of all I want to say that I'm creating this thread from an idea that just popped into my mind so I haven't had time to properly formulate it so my apologies in advance if I seem insensitive (not my intention) or ignorant (which I am, hence the thread).
    So I have never thought about sex quite as much as since I've joined this community. And I mean I have never thought so thoroughly about the whole concept and it's ramifications. I was never a very sexual person, my first (consensual) sexual experience came at the age of 26 with the girl who I ended up marrying. Yeah, demisexual all the way for me. Thing is, I'm starting to feel that there's more to the situation.

    I've always had what I thought was low libido, I never "want" to have sex, but I feel the physical need to just like I never want to be hungry but if I don't eat I will be hungry, regardless of whether I want to be or not.
    Don't get me wrong, sex is not wholly unsatisfying and my wife is an attentive lover; I love the intimacy and I love the release but if I had the choice to get rid of the physical tension just by holding hands with my wife I'd take that in a heartbeat and would never have sex again (poor wife).

    Mostly making love to my wife what I feel is "here, I'm showing you I love you" and "glad it's done, now to do something I actually want to do without having the physical nagging distracting me". My favourite part of sex is being able to read a book afterwards with a clear mind.

    Now here's the question (and the ignorance and the possible unintended insensitivity) I feel like I have an asexual brain but my body doesn't give a damn about it...I really don't want anything to do with sex but just like food, I need to eat from time to time...is there a name for this? I always assumed that asexuality includes the lack of sexual need altogether, not just the lack of will for sex. Is that so?

    I know there's probably a lot of information out there but I'd rather ask my family here, and hopefully get something less clinical or second-hand information :) 

    Thank you in advance to any lovely people who are patient enough to enlighten me.

    Love, Pedro
     
  2. Dreamsexual
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    Dreamsexual Reliable Contributor
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    You situation sounds familiar, and many have had this discussion on specifically asexual sites like AVEN, where I suggest you will get a lot of interesting input from a wide variety of different type of aces.

    A lot of aces define asexuality largely in terms of desire for sex, not in terms of physical pleasure or relief. Many consider the relief gained from masturbation, for example, is not the same thing as partnered sexual pleasure. And so there are many aces who masturbate as a somewhat mechanical act to gain relief in much the same way as one might feel relief (a sort of pleasure) after urination or eating when hungry.

    Some asexuals, then, have a partner with whom they have sex primarily as a way of showing love to their spouse, even though they themselves don't desire it for themselves or gain much pleasure from it. Obviously this wouldn't apply to sex repulsed aces, only sex neutral aces.

    For myself, sex was a sort of duty that I thought I was supposed to enjoy, and tried really hard to enjoy, but was ultimately a chore. I had very little physical sensation, and my orgasms were often very weak, roughly equivalent to a sort of sneeze - and I had to really sort of concentrate and imagine all kinds of scenarios while making love to get even that. In the later years erectile dysfunction wasn't that uncommon. All in all I found sex mostly very dull and uncomfortable. Now even the thought of human sex is somewhat terrifying, disgusting, boring and strange to me. It was this acceptance that led me to AVEN and an exploration of a/sexuality.

    A common joke/trope amongst aces is that they'd rather eat cake than have sex. If you are in the position that you'd gain more pleasure from eating than sex, that you'd rather have a Victoria Sponge than super hot sex with any person of your choosing, then there's a good chance that you were/have become/ are some sort of asexual.

    One thing I should point out - in my personal experience, and after many threads and many conversations on other sites, mixed asexual/allosexual marriages hardly ever work out. The sexual partner nearly always picks up on that there's some spark or energy missing, and the asexual partner eventually tired of the boredom, effort or inauthenticity of their life. Sometimes it works fine, but it's not the norm.

    I strongly suggest you not only see what responses you get here, but also talk to the many aces at AVEN, and explore this side carefully. It might have all kinds of real world repercussions for you and your loved ones.

    I wish you much luck and truth and love! :) 
     
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    #2 Dreamsexual, Nov 18, 2019
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  3. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    Yes, I've heard of AVEN from a couple of posters here but rarely do I hear anything good about it. If they have open forums that you can read without registering I'll take a look but I doubt I'll register. I'm seriously averse to social media and took me a long time before I decided to join here.

    Interesting, that isn't the idea I had. As I said, ignorance.

    That would be my case, yes.

    I hear you; same here...

    Wait, what joke? Those are facts!

    Still not craving sex but now I'm craving cake...maybe you're onto something here...

    Let's see...agender is a minority amongst minorities; if I'm really in the asexual spectrum as well maybe I can also be in the minority of marriages that work? One can hope :p 

    Thank you my dear. You're quickly becoming one of my favourite posters here. I always get so many fresh perspectives from your replies. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer me :) 
     
  4. Dreamsexual
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    You're more than welcome, and I thank you for the kind words. :) 

    Although AVEN is a whole mess of a place, and most of their forums (but not all) are closed unless you register, it is still the place to go to find out more on asexuality - even though I left there in a bad mood because even there those on the objectum spectrum can meet with abuse (and many other LGBT places I've been) I always recommend it to those who need to explore the possibility that they are asexual, esp if they are in a relationship already.

    I am also on asexual.me, which is basically the only other asexual forum - but it's not very active and comes from a far more conservative/libertarian political base than AVEN (which is very progressive).

    From what you've said I would seriously consider exploring the possibility that you might be asexual. I mean, just ask yourself the question: would you be happier never having sex again, just occasionally masturbating?

    Or, in reverse, do you ever look at someone and think how much you'd like to have sex with them?

    If you are answering yes then no, you might need to start thinking about asexuality and what that means for you and your partner.

    All the best in this exploration. It may not be easy - but I guess you've figured that already with gender :) 
     
  5. Corvus
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    I was just reading their post on asexual elitism. And yeah, if that post is "right" then I definitely fit in those definitions of asexual. If asexuality is about attraction and not behaviour I'm there...

    Definitely...and if I didn't even have to masturbate better still.

    Don't think that has ever happened, to be honest...

    Great, like my life wasn't difficult enough :p 

    That's the truth. <3
     
  6. RuneBeau
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    RuneBeau Polyromantic Demisexual Trans Guy
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    My experience of being demi is that I can develop secondary sexual attraction and the want/desire that comes with that but when I'm not bonded to anyone I exist similarly to some asexual folks. Seeing people kissing in public makes me uncomfortable, I don't like porn, I feel like masturbation for the most part is a chore, and I don't like using any toys that look too 'realistic' or human.

    When I do bond with someone it's very much a WHOA HOLY SH*T I WANT TO BE NAKED WITH YOU WHAT'S HAPPENING moment which remains constant for that one person. It doesn't really sound like that's what you are experiencing. Although, my experience isn't everyone's experience so that's something you'll have to discover for yourself.
     
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  7. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    I'm with you on this although I've never owned any kind of sex toy so I don't have an opinion on those.

    Hmmm...indeed this is where we differ. For me being bonded with someone, as you put it, simply changes my views on sex from "there is absolutely no way that's going to happen" to "yeah, ok...guess we can do that every now and then" but even when it does happen the part I enjoy is the cuddling, either before or after...the "during" is just doing something I'm not really into for way too long in order to achieve mediocre results. I do take enjoyment in being able to sexually satisfy my wife but as far as my own pleasure goes...as Dreamsexual put it, I'd rather be eating cake.
     
  8. RuneBeau
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    Not all demi people will develop secondary sex attraction and not all people become sex emphatic like I do. Maybe you're more on the mildly sex adverse or sex neutral side of things when you build a connection with someone?
     
  9. Corvus
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    Maybe so; to me it feels like having to clean the house...I'd rather not do it but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet.
     
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