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Questioning myself

Discussion in 'Questioning & General LGBT' started by walkingonmoonbeams, Jan 12, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. walkingonmoonbeams

    Jan 12, 2019
    +0 / 0 / -0
    Hi all. I'm new here, but looking for some advice. I've identified as bi since high school and I'm now a few years out of college. I haven't had a lot of relationships in general, but I've only been with guys. I've had crushes on women but have never acted on them. I might have a second date coming up with a girl I met online and I'm struggling with whether I want to go. I don't know if this is weird or unusual, but I'm afraid that I'll somehow realize I'm not actually attracted to women and that I'm lying to myself about being bisexual. Like, what if she goes to kiss me and I don't want to, or what if I've just been faking it this whole time. I also had some negative experiences in my last "relationship" with a guy so I don't know if I'm still working through my hangups on that. Online dating is also super out of my comfort zone. Anyway. I feel like I want to cancel on the date but I don't know if that's my anxiety talking or if it's something else. Any help is appreciated, or even just a "hey I felt that too and it's not so crazy."
  2. Thespis

    Thespis Blithe Spirit
    Former Staff Supporter Beloved Member

    Dec 1, 2018
    +798 / 0 / -8
    Hi there and welcome to the forum! I'm an old cis male bisexual. Re. your worries, FWIW here are my thoughts:

    I think you are allowing anxiety to get the better of reason, here. Let's imagine that your speculation is true: that, at some future point, you did come to realise that you're not actually attracted to women after all. That's fine! - that's who you are, and you should always go with the flow of your natural instincts and accept what they are telling you: to do anything else would just cause yourself a lot of unnecessary worry.

    Having identified as bi for so many years - something you did, let's remember, because you honestly believed you were - I wonder if you are worried that discovering you're not attracted to women (or not as attracted to them as you thought) will somehow come as a disappointment to your LGBT+ friends/peer group? Well to hell with that! When it comes to something as deeply personal as your own sexuality, you're not on this earth to live up (or down) to anyone else's expectations. Also, even if you continue to identify as bi, you're not obliged to continuously earn your queer spurs by being seen to date people of different genders all the time. As I said above, be true to yourself; do what comes naturally, whatever that is at any given moment in your life: don't fight it, don't stress about it and never let yourself be tied down by a label - even one you gave yourself! You are YOU, and that is quite enough: you need no further justification. :) 

    Well, think of it this way: what if a guy went to kiss you and you didn't want to? Would that make you doubt your sexuality too, or would you just accept that you didn't want that particular man to kiss you on that particular occasion? Maybe you're going off the idea of this second date because, nice as she no doubt is, she just doesn't float your boat enough?

    Be nice to yourself, eh? :) 
  3. angel70

    angel70 The Old Guy
    Beloved Member

    Apr 9, 2016
    +4,928 / 1 / -35
    I'll just second everything Thespis said, and get right to the prospect of that second date.

    If you enjoyed your first date, it's very likely you'll enjoy the second one too. If you don't, then there won't be a third date. That's pretty much the way it works no matter whom you're dating! If she wants to kiss you, I'd suggest giving it a try. If it feels good, repeat -- if not, don't.

    It's pretty clear you don't expect this woman to become the love of your life (albeit one never really knows) -- but it doesn't make sense to worry yourself out of what might be a pleasant evening. If you don't try new things, you can't find new ways to make yourself happy!

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