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Questioning my Sexuality

Discussion in 'Questioning & General LGBT' started by Bugg, Aug 13, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Bugg

    Bugg Lurker

    Aug 13, 2019
    +3 / 0 / -0
    Heads Up: This is a long post and probably has some irrelevant (and maybe too much?) information, I have trouble talking about this and ended up rambling a lot...

    I am so confused about my sexuality at the moment. I don’t want it to be important to me, I don’t want to need labels, but not knowing how to identify myself is eating away at me.

    Like most teenage girls, I had crushes. Looking back, I never really desired any intimacy with them it was more of a fan girl thing. Also all my crushes were male fictional characters.

    I went to Catholic school and my family are all non-practising Christians. I stopped believing in any of that BS by the time I hit my teenage years, but even after that I wasn’t ever exposed to (openly) homosexual individuals.

    When I was 15 I started dating my best friend. I don’t really remember being attracted to him or even thinking he was hot or sexy. Doing sexual things was exciting, the stimulation was fun, and I enjoyed the taboo a little. When we started having sex, I started faking orgasms. Even though I was really enjoying it, I didn’t feel any sort of ‘climax’. I would feel fulfilled and my sexual desire would be quenched but no orgasm.

    My BF had a condition called delayed ejaculation. He had trouble coming so he could fuck for hours, because he really wanted to please me. It got to the point where I had already had a great time and was now done with sex, but because I hadn’t orgasmed, he wanted to hold off until I came; hence the faking.

    We graduated high school and moved in together a month later. My libido dropped significantly once sex was no longer new and shiny. I still enjoyed it when I was in the mood, I was just never in the mood. We were still having sex regularly because honestly, I really just enjoyed pleasuring him.

    As the years went by, we had less and less sex. We both have issues with our mental health, so we blamed our low sex drives on that. He was always up for it and masturbated regularly but wasn’t too bothered if we went a week or two without doing anything.

    We’re in our mid-twenties now and we recently got married, even with all these confusing feelings he’s the one I want to spend my life with. The last few years I’ve been considering myself as bi-curious rather than straight and we developed a sub/dom relationship in the bedroom. (I really enjoy being dominated, even though I’m kind of a brat.) I started fantasising about threesomes, MMF and FFM as well as just girl on girl stuff.

    I’m just going to tangent a bit, I can’t watch porn. Seeing actual people is a huge turn off. I prefer erotic literature. I never thought this was odd, but the people I imagine in my head are kind of featureless, like 3D silhouettes with genitals. I can’t really describe it.

    I always put it down to my mental health and low sex drive but I realised I’ve never really found people sexually arousing, even my husband. Even the rare days when I crave sex, I don’t ever imagine real people, although I will imagine my husband dominating me. The other recent realisation I had is I don’t understand why gender is important to sex. Sex is fun, I want to be made to pleasure other people as well as receive pleasure but what bits they have isn’t important.

    I get that some people wouldn’t like certain genitals, but my husband says he wouldn’t enjoy a blowjob from a man even though there’s physically no difference between a women’s mouth and a man’s mouth. I don’t get it and part of me thinks everyone’s a little bisexual and just in denial.

    I’m rambling a bit but I’m sort of getting at that I don’t know if I’m bisexual with a low sex drive or I’m asexual. I’ve spoken to my husband about this at length and I’ve mentioned that I want to experiment because he’s the only person I’ve ever had sex with. He says he doesn’t have a problem if I experiment with girls as long as it’s strictly sexual – no emotional or romantic connection, but he’s not keen about me trying anything with other guys. My problem here is that I have incredibly low self-esteem and I can’t believe that anyone would want anything to do with me unless they already loved my personality.

    (Oh, and I also came clean to my husband about the lack of orgasms. He was upset and took it as a hit to his pride even though I told him I can’t seem to even experience one masturbating or using sex toys on myself.)

    Sorry, that was so long and thanks if you made it to the end. I guess, I have trouble talking about this stuff and I wanted to know what other people thought and if anyone had any similar experiences to me.
  2. Thespis

    Thespis Blithe Spirit
    Premium Supporter Supporter Beloved Member

    Dec 1, 2018
    +2,900 / 0 / -9
    Hi Bugg and welcome to the forum. Old cis bi guy speaking. :) 

    Thank you for trusting us and sharing your story here. I can see how confusing your experience of sex must be. The way you describe the shadow-like characters in your fantasies does tend to suggest that you might be somewhere on the ace spectrum, but it's really hard to say, especially as you clearly enjoy sex, even in the absence of orgasms.

    Seeing as your man is not against the idea in principle, I think it would be a good idea to explore same-sex encounters, just to see how they feel. Be prepared, though: in the event that girl sex proves much more satisfying than you could have anticipated (who knows, you might experience your first ever orgasms and never look back!) you could be looking at the death of your marriage unless you and your man are willing to consider polyamory.
  3. Laus

    Laus Greenhorn

    Aug 14, 2019
    +2 / 0 / -0
    Hiya, I'm new here but a lot of what you talk about resonates deeply with my own experience, especially the first few paragraphs.
    I'm here for exactly the same reason as you so I'm probably not going to be much help but I just wanted to say that reading something so similar to my own experiences has made me feel a little less alone and I hope you figure this all out. I'm extremely jealous of your understanding partner, I know mine would end it if I ever came out to them, you are so lucky! ♥

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