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Questioning and seeking feedback

Discussion in 'Questioning & General LGBT' started by Odyssey, Sep 19, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Odyssey

    Odyssey Greenhorn

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    Hello everyone!

    I've been exploring the topic of gender and sexuality for a while, and I'm looking for some opinions from other people now. I am a biological male and questioning my identity. Below is a bulleted list that I hope sums up points that I feel are important. I might be forgetting something, so please feel free to ask questions! I'm not here to have people decide for me or affirm anything, just looking for more ideas to help me come to my own conclusion.

    • I would describe myself as bi-curious but inexperienced.
    • I am over 30 years of age
    • The feeling of "something is off" has been around since I was little, earliest memory about age 6
    • I preferred traditionally female activities during recess at school
    • As a kid I decided what my name would be if I were a female
    • I am asocial, prefer female friends to male friends, but have mostly male friends
    • I generally prefer gender neutral colors and clothes but am interested expressing differently lately
    • I have assumed female identities online in roleplaying games (not sexual) out of interest in the experience of being seen as female but didn't roleplay as feminine (I don't even know how)
    • I don't identify with any gender role
    • I hate having to select "M" for male on forms. I've always had a longing to select female
    • When I first heard the words male and female, I thought female sounded better for me
    • I fantasize about being submissive as either male or female (comfortable with both)
    • I am not feminine, but not really masculine
    • I am in a STEM field (science, technology, engineering, and mathematics)
    • Finally, not gonna lie: I wish I was born female
    The last bulleted point sums up how I've felt for a very long time but never thought of myself as anything but straight until I started researching. I always thought with each milestone in life that things would make sense, but after finally being with a woman for some time it just doesn't feel like it should. Nothing has changed for me. I don't have the time in my life to be investing in this very important topic right now, but it's just that: very important. It's disrupting my life because I can't stop thinking about it. I have to be able to make the right choice for me and for who I am in a relationship with.

    I hope my observations about my life help other people, even if they don't help me! Thanks for being here, even if just to share.
     
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  2. Jessica45
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    Jessica45 Bisexual genderfluid slightly insane
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    I can relate to some of this. I’ve always had an attraction to guys and girls but wouldn’t admit it to myself, I’ve always fantasized about being submissive, and I’ve recently started wearing women’s panties. It can be exciting and alarming when these things become obvious later in life. I’ve never considered myself or wanted to be a woman though.
     
  3. Jo A
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    Jo A Pretty Notable
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    I relate to a lot of it.

    Thank you for the good read.

    Oh and welcome
    Jo
     
  4. AudryLeigh
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    AudryLeigh Proud tGirl
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    For my money, that's all you needed to say. I'm M2F transsexual. DIdn't really admit to myself until I was almost 60 (didn't need to -- no conflicts in my [male] life). I retired at 60 and finally had time to think about me. Always knew I had an unusually strong "female side." One day while just thinking about my life and how it had gone, I realized it wasn't a strong female side, it was dominant. WOW! That explained a few things. Started dressing and living as a woman. It was wonderful. I assumed I was too old for medical transitioning (never assume) until Caitlyn Jenner was all over the tabloids. I remember Bruce's Golden Olympic year (I was a big fan) and knew that he and I were the same age, so immediately I began looking into Hormone Therapy. Took a year to get an appointment with a good endocrinologist (and if you're going to do it, it's VERY important to have a good endo, not just a "prescriber" -- mine spends an hour with me every three months). At my first appointment with the endo (I was 69 by then), he wrote me a prescription for estrogen patches and a T-blocker, and gave me samples. I put on a patch and took the T-blockers before I left his office. The next morning (hormones work fast) I woke up to an entirely different (beter, more enjoyable) world. I couldn't be happier. The only thing I would do differently if I could would be to have started Hormone Therapy decades earlier. So that's my story.

    Hugs,
    Audry Leigh
     
  5. Odyssey

    Odyssey Greenhorn

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    Hi everbody! Thanks for the responses. If it isn't evident, I try to be very critical and thorough, along with doing a lot of research, but I think I'm at a dead end now, having exhausted the internet. I think the only answer for me is that I am transgender.

    I have told my partner and she is sad, because it likely means the end for us. She is supportive and remains unbiased, even telling me when I try to explain why I might not be transgender that it sounds like I am in denial. Maybe so, but I am trying to preserve what we have together while having an alternative path as a solution, but I don't think it will work. I want it to, but I believe my best future is somewhere else, as much as it will hurt us both to do.

    I have also told my friend of 17 years and he is cool with whatever I do.

    I don't know what being transgender means for me. I don't know how I would go about expressing something I've longed for. I suspect it will be enough just to transtition (socially and then maybe medically) and do what makes me feel good, and skip things that do nothing for me. I have a lot left to learn about being me, I think.
     
  6. Jo A
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    I am not transitioning but the discussions with my wife are no less intense.

    What helped me was my friend who stayed by my side while I accepted myself also showed me I needed to love myself.

    That strength helped in as I moved forward. I would never have guessed I would be where I am at now just over a year ago when I accepted myself. It feels great.

    I wish you luck as you move forward and peace for your soul - Jo
     

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