Trigger Warning! PTSD

Does anyone else have PTSD? I'm not military, it's abuse related. I am really struggling with my self worth because of how I was abused. I am also struggling with trust issues with my wife (who is bi and wanting to explore that).

It's like my heart knows I'm proud and happy and my wife would never betray me and loves me, but my brain hits fight or flight and I break down and I get very defensive and scared and sometimes suicidal.

Does anyone else struggle like this? Any advice or help is welcome.

-- Not sure if the trigger warning is necessary, but I'm open to discussing what happened and that may create a comment that is

 

Yes, my PTSD is abuse related as well. I've made a thread about it a while ago in the "Important life issues other than LGBT" section but it can be a tough read, and since you also have abuse related PTSD I'm reluctant to have you read it.

Long story short it involves physical, emotional and sexual abuse, incarceration, torture and brainwashing. It lasted my whole childhood and into my teen years so yeah, it messed me up...

I can be just fine and then I have my back to a door that opens and I go into panic mode. Or I'm sleeping and hear footsteps coming in the direction of my room...even though I know it's my wife or son my heart starts beating so hard I can't catch my breath...I also work as a physical/massage therapist and out of the blue while massaging someone I get flashbacks and it takes all my energy not to throw up...lots of other nice things too  

I'm here if you feel like talking.

 

I'm not as bad, but because of what happened to me as a young kid, I cannot and will not fully trust anyone, not even my family. I got emotionally abused a lot and CPS was actually called several times but the never did anything because the abuse wasn't traditionally physical. Believe me though, its just as bad. I have been in counseling for over a year now but I still have flashbacks sometimes. When it happens I just shut down and push everyone away. Isolate myself to.

 

It's quite the feeling of powerlessness, isn't it?
My parents were pillars of the community, virtually saints in everyone's mind. Even when the neighbors would hear the fights they would just comment on how horrible of a child I must be to make people like my parents raise their voice. If their voice was the only thing they raised...even broken bones would be explained as me being wild and clumsy and nobody would ever question.

One time, as a teen, I went to the police with proof of their abuse. I was stupid enough to go to the police station in the neighborhood instead of an impartial one...they took my evidence and told me that if I ever tried to make trouble for my parents again they'd send me to juvie (well, the Portuguese equivalent).
In situations like that it always made me think "This is it, isn't it? They're going to end up killing me and nobody is going to ask questions"

 

Dude, that is harsh. I had people at my school who always believed me, so that was nice. But until my mom decided to divorce my dad it was just flat out hell. My Dad still has to deal with her using the court systems to try and get him criminally charged. Every time I go to visitations with her it is its own special kind of hell. Lucky for you your old enough that you never have to talk to them again if you don't want to.

 

Believe me; I don't, My father died and I haven't talked to my mother in about 4 years and I'm much better off but it was a rough 26 years before I could get away.
You'll survive it too.Stay strong.

 

Thanks man. Once I'm 18 i don't have to talk to her but I will probably go to visitation anyway until my little brother turns 18. He's high-functioning autistic so he is more like 10 years old, emotionally.

 

Understandable and very brave of you. Thankfully I was the youngest so by the time I could get away, my sister was already long gone.

 

Thanks. Nothing compared to your situation though

 

Doesn't matter; suffering is not a competition. We've been through some horrible stuff and we're all valid. Pain is pain.

 

I swear, your like a shrink, except better cuz your not actually a shrink, just some cool person

 

Cheaper, at least  

 

LOL

--- Double Post Merged, Jan 30, 2020 ---

Do you feel like this conversation went from serious to just goofing off?

 

Oh, Corvus I am sorry to hear that. I hope that you can find solace someday. I did not go through anything nearly that extreme. Have you heard of EMDR therapy? I'm starting that soon and it's supposedly very effective. I have a hard time snapping out of it, but my wife can say, "You're being very defensive." And as soon as I realize I'm not in danger, it goes away.

I frame it like, I have to use my heart to think instead my PTSD-riddled brain. It's like there's a copilot that takes the controls.

 

We can skip my childhood as that is just a mess.

I worked on an ambulance and got called to a house for someonewho was shot.

When we talked into the bedroom he aimed the gun at me and told me I was not going to stop him and no one understood the pain he was in. I kept walking towards him and hoped he would not shoot me.

I then said but I do understand and stopped and looked him in the eyes. He then said thank you and swung the barrel of the gun into his mouth and pulled the trigger of the shot gun.

I am blessed as my mind blocks out the rest.

I have suffered from night terror dreams back to when I was young and sleep 2 to three hours a day.

I held a young wife while she died from a drunk driver (15) and then told her husband as he beat on my chest telling me I did not do enough to save her.

But the hardest is feeling like I did not give a reason for my fiancé to live. She took her life when I was 18.

14 months of therapy and I am making progress. But I spent too much of my life hating myself and suffering, which hurt my love for my daughter (wife too).

Never give up on ourselves get help. We are worth it

Again I am sorry

I am sorry if this sets anyone off.

 

Jo A You're an amazing person and we're all richer for having you in our lives. Suffering is horrible and the (sometimes misplaced) sense of guilt even more so but know that the way suffering shapes us enables us to help others in ways we otherwise never would be able to. Not sure if that brings you any relief, but it does me.

Mallow My wife has also recommended I tried EMDR. I've been considering it.

 

My dad was an EMT. Nothing so dramatic, but he saw some messed up stuff.

I hope that you are able to find peace on some level in your life.

--- Double Post Merged, Jan 31, 2020 ---

It's kinda cool how it works. You mimic REM sleep by flicking your eyes back and forth while thinking of the trauma and your brain basically reprocesses it like a dream. That's paraphrasing and maybe not 100% scientifically accurate.

 

I think I am learning my purpose. I've had a therapy session since my original post. I want to try and apply my life experiences into a creative medium that can help others. I want to try and give hope to people who have no hope.

 

You are kind to find ways to offer support to those in need.

Just make sure to protect your heart.

Peace and take care of you was well kind person.