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Bisexual Pondering How I Got Here

Discussion in 'Bisexual & Pansexual' started by curiousdud3, Jul 28, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. curiousdud3

    curiousdud3 Fighting the demons
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    Pondering How I Got Here

    At school as a teen
    I was sitting in class
    With all my friends
    When the teacher asked
    I’ve a question for you all
    In this form group today
    What would you do
    If a friend told you they were gay
    “I’d beat them and punch them”
    The one friend said
    “I’d kick them, and hurt them until they were dead”
    The whole class cheered and seemed to agree
    And that was the start of self denial for me
    A crucial time in your life
    Where your hormones run free
    Trying hard to understand of what you might be
    For some they’ll explore
    And they’ll do it with pride
    Or there’s others, like me, who do their best to hide
    How could I admit to my friends back in the day
    That I had confused thoughts and might of been gay
    How could I confess, put my life at risk
    Explain that my thoughts for both genders were mixed
    Another story a few years later in life
    Who’d have thought that a piercing would cause so much strife
    I remember ear piercings where all of the rage
    I was a young man now and coming of age
    So I went to the Jewellers
    They loaded the gun
    A stud in one ear is what I had done
    Feeling happy and trendy with what I had
    I got home, through the door and bumped into dad
    What’s that in your ear his stern voice asked
    I saw the look on his face and down came the mask
    “You’re a bloke not a woman” he started to huff
    “You’re filthy, disgusting, you faggot, you puff”
    For days he was angry and we didn't speak
    I fell further in denial, I already felt weak
    If that’s the reaction for an innocent stud
    Certain if I came out I’d be misunderstood
    How could I be honest, bring the family shame
    So the secrets I was hiding
    Inside they remained
    That’s just two of the stories that’s made me this way
    Just two of many why I struggle today

    © curiousdud3 07/2020
     
  2. buzzzer

    buzzzer Dedicative Contributor
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    This one was hitting close to home, but still great work!
     
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  3. Tzap

    Tzap Well-Known Contributor
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    Hit my heart with that one, I actually shed a few tears remembering as I was reading. Very reminiscent of my life, and I think it will hit true with most around the same age.
     
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  4. curiousdud3

    curiousdud3 Fighting the demons
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    I sobbed after writing this and reading back over it. As I dig deeper into my head I am scratching the surfaces of things that have hurt so bad over the years and I have locked away. Experiences, thoughts that no one apart from me ever knew existed or happened.

    I think I need to get to those underlying layers and address everything in order for me to heal from this. The problem is my my defence mechanism that I have built over many years. As soon as anything or anyone (including me) gets close to that 'archive' the shields go up, the walls are built and the gates are locked.

    These are the areas I need to target, I just don't know if I am that strong...........but I am trying
    --- Double Post Merged, Jul 29, 2020 ---
    Hey Buzzzer, have you had similar experiences to this too?
     
    #4 curiousdud3, Jul 29, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2020
  5. BiBearSSNV
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    BiBearSSNV Daddy Bear
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    Wow, what a great work! It does hit close to home. I did not experience it myself because I was so deep in the closet when I was in highschool in the eighties I kept myself in denial.

    I convinced myself that my fantasies were normal for boys. It was just hormones and they would pass. I also had the added confusion of being attracted to both genders in my fantasies. Usually not together, but usually depending on which way the wind blew. I guess that made it easier for me to suppress my attraction to males and lead a straight life.

    The reason this hits so close is that growing up, it really was like this or worse and it is part of the reason I went straight in my actions, again easier because I truly am attracted to both genders. Easier, like I said but also so confusing inside. Finally inside I am happy, in that I have accepted that I am bi and that's alright, although I am not out other than to my son and I have not indulged in the act of male to male sex other than in my head.

    Maybe it is because of the fear that this poem addresses.
     
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  6. curiousdud3

    curiousdud3 Fighting the demons
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    Hey BiBear, I was exactly the same. Went for the straight life, even got a girlfriend in high school to fit in although right up until I was 22 I was convinced inside that I was gay. I was attracted to women, found them pretty and sexy, but 98% of my feelings was towards guys. It has been a constant struggle all my life painting on this mask that I am an heterosexual man.

    I met my wife and fell in love, and I was and still am attracted to her. But if I'm honest with myself I think she is the only woman I have ever been sexually attracted to. I still see women and think 'oh they are pretty' but I don't see past that.

    My head at the moment is just one big struggle and my closet has many masks.
     
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  7. buzzzer

    buzzzer Dedicative Contributor
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    curiousdud3, yes I did.
     
  8. curiousdud3

    curiousdud3 Fighting the demons
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    Sending hugs xx
     
  9. buzzzer

    buzzzer Dedicative Contributor
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    Thank you, things have been good since then. Hope things are good for you too.
     
  10. curiousdud3

    curiousdud3 Fighting the demons
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    I'm seriously considering coming out. I'm fed up of hiding.....I just don't know where to start and if it's worth it ( what am I going to gain if I am happy with the relationship I've got )
     
  11. Jayme82
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    Jayme82 The Legend of LGBT
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    That got me in the heart too I write poetry as well that is such great touching poem that most of us can relate to
     
  12. curiousdud3

    curiousdud3 Fighting the demons
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    Thanks Jayme. I've found that writing poems is helping me a lot. Sometimes I just wish I could write something that wasn't so painful, but I guess writing from the heart is the best kind of writing.

    I wrote a few and now they just keep flowing I can't stop, it's like I'm constantly finding a bit more hurt and pain each day but it feels like I'm making progress bit by bit.

    If ever you want to read them they are in this forum somewhere lol.

    I've posted them on a Poetry blog in the hope that my words may help others.

    https://www.writeoutloud.net/blogs/curiousdud3

    And slowly updating my own blog site:

    https://curiousdud3.wixsite.com/gettingbipoems
     
  13. Jayme82
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    Jayme82 The Legend of LGBT
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    curiousdud3 thanks for the links to your poetry I find writing emotionally cathartic
    Most if what I write about id life events painful and otherwise it's wonderful free therapy If something is bothering me I can write and keep writing myself.
    I'll read those as soon as possible I'm about to eat but I'll let you know as soon as I do :) 
     
    #13 Jayme82, Aug 10, 2020 at 4:35 PM
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2020 at 7:58 PM
  14. buzzzer

    buzzzer Dedicative Contributor
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    hugs back to you
     

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