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Please help, relationship advice needed.

Discussion in 'Gay' started by QS91, Nov 9, 2018.  |  Print Topic


Is this too far in your books?

  1. Yes - you should probably say something

  2. No - chill out.

    0 vote(s)

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This thread is being watched by 4 users.
  1. QS91

    QS91 Lurker

    Nov 9, 2018
    +0 / 0 / -0

    I need some advice on whether my boyfriends behaviour (Darren's) constitutes as inappropriate/cheating in your own perspective.

    The story is that I've found messages on his phone to a boy called Jack, he's been friends with jack for about 2 years I think (although I'm not sure because I think I only began hearing about the friendship months after it had developed).

    Sooner or later, he began to talk more and more about Jack and I ended up following him on twitter. Silly mistake on my part because I find his behaviour to bit attention seeker-ish and that's fine, obviously that's just an opinion, but he threw a BDSM themed party, he tweets about waking up at random guys houses, accidentally leaving his boxers there and various other things that personally I just find a bit slutty/attention seeker-ish. Again I must point out, this isn't the problem, I'm a live and let live person, I can't expect people to behave a certain way. But it use to bother me that my boyfriend would want to put himself in that environment and be friends with someone like that, i probably thought that then because I was scared it would influence him/lead him astray. But again, I was wrong for thinking that, I don't expect to dictate who he likes/hangs around with. I have to put enough trust in him that he would make the right decisions.

    But, I then found he was going to parties, for lunches etc with Jack and he wasn't telling me. On one or two occasion he even lied about where he was even though I could see from his snapchat location where he was.

    We had a bit of an argument about it. I asked him if anything had happened. I asked him if he liked Jack as more than just a friend. He promised me there wasn't anything going on, he didn't feel that way about him and nothing untoward has happened. I tried to be mature about it and let it go. Again, I've gotta trust him to make the right decisions.

    Anyways, Jack moved to Leeds and part of me, whether right or wrong thought, brilliant. Problem solved.

    But I stupidly opened our shared laptop to do some work and the message on the screen was from Jack, asking if he was still coming down to Leeds this Tuesday. Darren has told me hes going to work in Manchester from Tuesday-Friday and I know he only plans on going for lunch/an evening or whatever. But it really annoyed me that he failed to mention that to me. Why hide where you're going?

    So, I broke and ended up reading the other messages between him and Jack. The majority of which is safe, but there's stuff in there where I can't decide if it's a step too far. Darren (my bf) has sent him a photo of him lying on the floor wearing nothing but boxers, he's (my bf) told him his ass looks unreal in *those* skinny jeans and then goes on to say he's glad he fell asleep before he said too much, my bf goes on about how good his smile makes him feel, he messages saying that he got wrong of Chris on a night out coz he (my bf) had been flirting with Jack. And part of me wondered if this was everything, because it's obvious that he's deleted messages - he even deleted jacks messages right in front of me once. It also really bothers me that she's spoken about one or two things of my own life that I would consider private. I don't know this Jack. Why should he know my business??

    Anyways, that's the majority of it. I know he's going to meet Jack on Tuesday (but he doesn't know I know) and he hasn't told me, which I kind of understand because my initial impression of him wasn't great and I expressed that which was unfair I suppose because who am I to expect certain behaviours, but the messages have bothered me and compounding that with the fact he's going to meet him, and kept it quiet, it's got me asking; is this too far? I'm really tempted to message him on Tuesday asking what he's up to/what's Leeds like etc. to see whether he lies about his whereabouts. But I kind of think that might be too far on my part? I don't know what to think because I want to keep him happy, but I don't want to be made a fool of.

    Do the messages/half naked snapchats/fact he's going to meet him and failing to tell me about it take it too far? Or is it just me?

    I really do appreciate any advice because I try really hard to be fair/understanding in situations. I'm not a psycho boyfriend, I love him bits and I never want to stop him from doing anything he wants to do. I try and encourage any kind of social activity he wants to go to because I know socialising for him helps him unwind/betters his mental well being. But this is bothering me and I don't know why?

    Am I being crazy?

    Thanks in advance folks! Much appreciated! X
  2. MikaIsAHuman

    MikaIsAHuman Ace, Panromantic, Genderfluid.
    Beloved Member

    Sep 1, 2018
    The closet.
    +120 / 0 / -2
    I would try and sit down with him at some point and tell him about it.
    Tell him your concerns and ask what has been going on. I wouldn't be too forceful or accuse him of anything though, just try and put your opinion through and talk to him about it.

    Hope this helps at all.
  3. Classic

    Classic Lurker

    Nov 12, 2018
    +0 / 0 / -0
    Try not to over think things too much. Is this about Jack or Darren? It sounds like you've already taken a dislike to Jack. If you've argued about this already maybe Darren just doesn't want another argument with you about it? Have you broken the ability to talk about it? How old are the messages you found are they before or after the original argument? Boys can be real body conscious too, is the photo sexual or just revealing? Just ask him if he's doing anything in Leeds?

    The detail is kind of important and without it you do sound a bit crazy yeah. Does Darren have many friends he can talk to? Does he talk to you about his problems and do you listen? There are two stories here I think.

    Is Darren cheating? No

    Is Darren not telling you everything? Yes

    Do you maybe need to open up talking to each other properly? .......

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