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Asexual parents and pronouns

Discussion in 'Questioning & General LGBT' started by jordan ♪ ♫, Jul 17, 2017 at 12:01 AM.  |  Print Topic

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  1. jordan ♪ ♫
    Insomnious

    jordan ♪ ♫ meme kid (they/them)

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    about two years ago, i started identifying as nonbinary. i told my parents this about a month after i discovered it myself, and told them that i wanted to use they/them pronouns and a different name. at first, they were okay with it. they called me jordan, and still do, but it's still kind of frustrating that it seems they've put zero effort into calling me by my preferred pronouns. my mother has called me "they" twice. in two years. twice.

    her and my stepdad have shown a lot of resistance to calling me by they/them pronouns, saying that it was "gramatically incorrect," so that's why they wouldn't do it. for a bit, i started using male pronouns as well, until my parents flat out told me that they would not call me "he," and would rather call me "they." which they don't. so i guess they're super against the idea of me using male pronouns, then, which i had only used because i thought they'd actually stop calling me "she." i've tried to talk about this with them multiple times, and every time i'm shot down. i try to be calm about it, but they end up purposely frustrating me to the point where they'll yell at me and i'll yell back, and the minute i do that, whoops! no phone for a week! shouldn't have talked back!!

    at one point, my family and i were all at some stupid boat festival that i didn't want to go to in the first place, and we were on the dock. my mom tried to hold onto my arm for no apparent reason, when she knows that i'm very against physical contact with anyone, and my stepdad has a perfectly good, free arm about two feet in front of us. when i pulled my arm away, she said, "you make a lousy guy," to which i responded, "i'm not a guy, anyway." she tried argue with me, but since we were in public and i stopped answering her, it didn't go very far.

    oh, yeah, another thing! in one of the first few "conversations" i had with them about my pronouns, they had tried to pull some shit i don't remember, attempting to make me angry, and surprise, surprise- it worked. my stepdad told me i wasn't listening, and i told them that they weren't listening either. so their brilliant plan of action, when i asked to have a conversation, was to force me to sit down next to them, not get up, not speak(because that's totally the definition of "conversation"), and just sit there as they ridiculed my identity and basically told me that "they pronouns are too confusing. you should make up your own pronoun!" ah, yes. i, a fourteen year old with no significant presence on the internet, should make up a brand new pronoun an expect it to stick. that'll work. my mom then asked me why i "clinged to they pronouns like this," and i said, "i don't know, why do you cling to 'she'?" guess who got yelled at for that.

    additionally, my mother has repeatedly called me and many of my other nonbinary friends "it" whenever she uses their birth pronouns and i correct her. she's also told me that as an asexual/aromantic identifying person, i'll never find love. yeah, that's kind of the point, mom.

    sorry that this was so long. i needed to get this off of my chest.
     
  2. Athena Noctua
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    Athena Noctua Greenhorn

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    Wow that sounds really hard I'm sorry ): I think it's right to stay calm- have you ever tried talking to her when you aren't confronting her about something she's just done? She might feel less defensive if you were talking to her in that context. Have you identified why she doesn't call you by your preferred pronouns? Is it because she's homophobic or just doesn't understand why you would want that? (or something else) understanding the root of the problem will probably help

    I hope this helps- if not im sorry that you have to deal w this it must b super frustrating- I sympathize with you
     
    #2 Athena Noctua, Jul 17, 2017 at 12:33 AM
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2017 at 12:36 AM
  3. jordan ♪ ♫
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    jordan ♪ ♫ meme kid (they/them)

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    i think she just doesn't understand why i want to go by they pronouns. she isn't homophobic, or if she is, she isn't open about it. thank you for your sympathy, though
     
  4. Athena Noctua
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    Athena Noctua Greenhorn

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    would it be helpful for her if you explained why nether he nor she make sense for you? I don't have much experience in this area so idk if im even being helpful it all... just know that ur mom still loves u even if she doesnt completely understand u
     
  5. wanderer
    Depressed

    wanderer Great Learner

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    for the pushing you around probably the best thing is be as nonconfrontational as possible until you can move out then do so at the first opportunity. mine never got my pronouns correct and i just had to cut them off as much as possible.

    for "they" not being grammatically correct you might give them this npr article

    'Talk about belated recognition. At its meeting in Washington, D.C., on Jan. 7, the American Dialect Society voted to make the 600-year-old pronoun "they" their word of the year for 2015. Or more precisely, a particular use of that pronoun that grammarians call the singular "they." This is the "they" that doesn't care whether it's referring to a male or female. As in "If I get a call, tell them they can call me back." Or "Did someone leave their books here?"'
    http://www.npr.org/2016/01/13/462906419/everyone-uses-singular-they-whether-they-realize-it-or-not
     
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  6. jordan ♪ ♫
    Insomnious

    jordan ♪ ♫ meme kid (they/them)

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    thank you, wanderer. i hope these next years go by quick, then.
    that article might prove to be helpful. my parents are the kind who wony believe anything unless its in writing.
     
  7. CoffeeUnicorn34
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    CoffeeUnicorn34 Bakura★Non Binary★Badass
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    Hey Jordan-san,

    You sound like an awesome person. Whatever pronouns you choose to go by need to be respected. Gosh I'm just so sorry. I cussed a few times while reading your post and for what your mother did. Not cool, not cool.

    They/them are good pronouns, especially when you don't identify as either a male or female. I'm also non-binary, recently discovered actually. If I would have discovered that I was in the transgender umbrella and tried to tell my own mother, she would have reacted the same way, maybe not as out there but she would have been like, "You're a girl, dead name! You've always been a girl!" And of course being forced to dress like a girl didn't help. So I can sort of empathize with you.

    My best advice is just try to hang on to you're 18, try to reach out to somepony if you can (which you did here), and then put em in your rear view mirror when you get old enough to move out. I'm sorry this isn't the best advice. I wish I could be of further help. Point is i feel ya. I know where you're coming from.
     
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  8. anon_abstraction
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    anon_abstraction Renaissance Nerd
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    I actually had a similar experience today. I didn't necessarily come out but this appears to happen frequently. Before I realized I was bi I was defending LGBTQ on Facebook. I woke up to see on Facebook someone being terrible. It was one of my first experiences of being hated and mocked. Something that wouldn't have bothered me even 12 hours before.

    Today it happened again. I posted the gender equality unicorn on Facebook the other day to see what people thought. I got no response from anyone. I found that surprising. What was actually happening was my mother was storing up a very hateful diatribe on it.

    I lost my gender identity in my sleep last night. I knew I was losing it when I realized being het was retroactively defining my gender. I am bi. I don't need a gender for that. I did for het though.

    Once again I was berated for something that wouldn't have bothered me when I posted it. Maybe it would have. I know aces and trans now that was gut wrenching to hear her say that. She wouldn't hear anything I had to say. I was wrong, she was right is what it boiled down to. I said something like "I don't feel like a man". In seething hatred she snapped back "so you feel like a woman?" I said "no I don't". She basically ended the conversation with "you are the gender I gave you at birth and that is final!" She seemed like she was using so many underlying exclamation points that I couldn't even speak. She was so mad that I posted that unicorn on Facebook. I feel physical pain her hatred was so fierce.
     
  9. mussell

    mussell got the heart of honey badger
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    One thing I can tell you is that most people do not understand asexuality...at all.. I'm serious most people think you will die if you don't have sex with someone...I feel really bad cause people truly are hateful and ignorant.. Your parents have a set ideal life for you.. And it's not turning out the way they had planned.. They have to change the idea of you they have in their head as maybe then there will be progress
     
  10. wanderer
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    wanderer Great Learner

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    then i must have died a long time ago, i have not had sex in nearly 20 years (and i am not asexual)
     
  11. mussell

    mussell got the heart of honey badger
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    I know people are so crazy.. Is been 11 for me and I'm not asexual either that I know.. But probably not far from it.. Maybe demisexual.. Or something I'm not really concerned with it lol I'm just me the definition is basically for others lmao
     

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