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Not sure what I need

Discussion in 'For Parents or Guardians of LGBT+ Children' started by Beachmom, Dec 18, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Beachmom

    Beachmom Worried parent

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    My son has always been feminine so it was no shock to me when he came out to me as gay. Let me be very clear - I love my son UNCONDITIONALLY. I would die for my kids. When I became a mom I finally knew why God put me on this earth. I have worked hard to be a good parent with open conversation with both my kids. I was stern when I needed to be to teach them to be people others enjoyed being around but I also tried to make life fun so they enjoyed being around me. I am so blessed beyond words that they are great human beings. My son recently had his first sexual encounter with a guy he met at the gym. This guy is 15 years older and said afterwards he had no intentions of a relationship. He believed relationships were for older people when they lose interest in sex. A real jerk! My son was hurt. Devastated actually. I have been supportive and explained we all go thru bad relationships and learn from them. He will get thru this and his brother and me will be here to help. We are the only 2 in the family who know. He has many loving friends, both straight and gay, who love him beyond measure. I found out today he’s been lying to me about where he is and with who (on vacation or dates). It’s very upsetting because he has no reason to lie because all I’m going to say is be careful and have fun. Let me know you got there safe via text but beyond that I never pry. He’s also had unprotected sex with said guy & today I found out with a random guy he met on an APP and now has an STD. He’s also been smoking weed which is so out of character for him not to mention illegal in our state. It’s like he’s in self destructive mode. This kid once took an overdose of pills and downed with alcohol because he wanted to die because he was gay. He said his dads family would disown him because they’re bible thumping hypocrite Southern Baptists! His roommate took him to a counselor who insisted be be committed for an evaluation. He was hospitalized and given a psych evaluation for 72 hours. I took him to my family doctor to have her help him with anxiety and she helped us find a really good counselor. He started channeling his talents and gifts into a photography hobby and was eventually published in a magazine. He also decided to become as healthy physically and mentally so he joined the gym. He looks fantastic! I’m so proud of him because he made those decisions on his own. He’s come a long way. With this recent hurtful relationship I’m worried beyond words. I feel I need to tip toe when he reaches out because I don’t want to upset him but at the same time I want to shake the shit out of him and say WTH were you thinking. He knows better. What do I do?
     
  2. Jo A
    Innocent

    Jo A ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
    Premium Supporter Beloved Member

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    First - Welcome to a wonderful site. Please note this site is full of many young to older people who have been through a lot as well.

    I am glad he got help and is doing better.

    It has taken me two years of hard work in therapy to have my darkness leave me and to wake in the morning with calm.

    I also had my soulmate take her life when I was 18 and for 44 years blamed myself for her death. Again thanks to therapy and the love of my friend, I finally know it was not my fault.

    I wish to hug you and tell you that you are a wonderful mother.

    You are doing the most important thing and that is being there and supporting. I understand the hurting of the unknown but giving him unconditional Love is wonderful and is so badly needed.

    One last hug with a whisper - Thank you.
     
  3. Beachmom

    Beachmom Worried parent

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    We live in the southern Bible Belt where the older generation is not so accepting of gays. My son knows I don’t fit into that group. I have many gay friends & coworkers.
    I’m trying hard to find the right support group for me. One of my closest friends from childhood is a gay married man who I trust 100%. He has agreed to mentor/counsel/ and just be there for my son unconditionally. He’s already like an uncle to him and he’s been thru a lot in his life. He was bullied and outcast but he had a great family who supported him. I believe in my heart that’s the key. I’m divorced because my ex (father of my kids) denied being gay and tried to live the life he knew his parents would accept. They’d disown him for being gay. I found his hidden stash of gay porn, chats, emails, pics, you name it and when I confronted him he hit me. I even offered to move into another bedroom and hide his secret because I didn’t want my kids in a broken home. It was ugly as he continued to deny it. He had already fallen in love with a man he could never have (a pastor no doubt) but again denied it. My divorce was nasty and that didn’t help my son. Even thru it all they saw me be loving and supportive of their dad because I wanted him to have a chance at happiness, not hidden and suppressed. I have many gay friends and they will all tell you I treat them no different than before they came out. My son knows this and that’s how he was raised. His self esteem has been trampled by his father who constantly puts him down because he sees himself in my son. He doesn’t treat my other son this way. Of course he denies it which makes it all worse. I’ve reached out to a counselor for myself and have appointments set up. I want my son to do the same. The STD he has is treatable and he’s already started medication. My fear is the lying to cover where he is and with who. He’s never been a liar, never had any reason to because I’ve trusted him. I’ve never been overbearing. My biggest fear is his careless and wreck less behavior of not using protection. He knows better. Now he knows how fortunate he is that this time it was treatable. I’m encouraging him to stick close by long term friends he knows he can trust. I’m afraid to be harsh with telling him how I feel but my gut says he needs to hear it. My other son laid into him with the truth and is not backing down. Today he actually apologized to me and said he was sorry and humiliated that he’d done this and hurt us. I told him that I’ve said a million times over there is nothing that he does that would make me not love him or turn my back on him. Me & his brother have his back and will always be by his side no matter what. He’s been out of town so all this was done via texting. Putting this in written form has been therapeutic for me and I appreciate your replies.
     
  4. Beachmom

    Beachmom Worried parent

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    I didn’t know that about gyms. It’s good to know now. My son is an adult. His roommate got married right before Covid hit so I talked him into moving in with me to save money because he’d like to purchase his own place soon. He’s been working from home since March as his entire office went remote.
     
  5. Beachmom

    Beachmom Worried parent

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    I’m not anti Bible nor turned off from Christianity because of what i went thru but I will say this - the “Christians” I went to church with, the one I was married to & his family and especially the pastor he fell in love with are ALL hypocrites. They say one thing and preach it but live another. Pastor was on staff at a seminary and knew he caused problems in my marriage. I told him and his reply was that’s just tough get over it. Ex had convinced him I was crazy. But they had no idea how smart I was. I had a key logger on computer we shared and read every intimate chat & email. I had video camera set up in bedroom that also recorded the computer screen. I saw what he looked at when he locked me out of our bedroom. I could have ruined them both had I gone public. I still could because he happens to be in a very high profile job. I don’t trust those types of Christians. As far as I’m concerned, special seat in hell for them all.
    --- Double Post Merged, Dec 19, 2020 ---
    Thank you!!!
     
    #5 Beachmom, Dec 19, 2020
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2020
  6. Beachmom

    Beachmom Worried parent

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    After a few weeks of staying away from said guy who my son classified as an asshole, he’s back to hanging out with him. He’s lying to me about where he’s going and is probably still having unprotected sex. He’s also not being careful of this virus which almost killed me when I had it nor is he abiding by our state’s curfew. I have no clue what happened to my good kid. I don’t recognize him anymore. I don’t trust him anymore either. He has no idea of the stress and hell he’s putting me thru worrying about his safety.
     
  7. Doglover44
    Complacent

    Doglover44 Active Veteran
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    Hows he doing now ?
     
  8. Beachmom

    Beachmom Worried parent

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    He came home last night around 1am even though we live in a state with a 10pm curfew. He’s going to end up arrested. Or dead with the wreckless behavior. I cannot reach him.
     

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