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Not good enough to date

Discussion in 'Self Esteem/Self Worth' started by CaraBear, Jul 20, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. CaraBear

    CaraBear Greenhorn

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    Okay, so this is not something I like to talk about to myself in private, much less out in public but I guess I'm here for a reason--

    I'm a severely closeted lesbian, 20, and have not even held hands with someone romantically. Although my friends have always supported me to put myself out there and have time and time again told me I'm good enough, I genuinely think that girls are the best people ever and that I don't deserve being with them with how I look like and am right now.

    It's honestly so ridiculous but I can't get that nagging feeling out of my head at all. I mean, it hasn't helped that my family has been knocking down my self esteem since I was 8 but whenever there's someone I'm attracted to, I always just end up ghosting them.

    I know body positivity and building up self-worth is a long, arduous journey and that I'm still going through it, but I would love to hear about how you have dealt/been dealing with it and (if in relationship) how you put yourselr out there/whether you had more self-confidence after getting together with somebody.

    Thanks for letting me vent!

    Sent from my CPH1851 using Tapatalk
     
  2. proudlyodd

    proudlyodd Guest
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    This post makes me sad. Please don’t say that about yourself that you aren’t good enough because of how you feel personally right now or your looks. The fact that your family has been knocking down your self-esteem I think is a big part of the problem. Especially at such a young age that really is Something ingrained in you that takes years to come back so I understand how it is in your head that you can’t seem to get that voice out. You are correct in the sense that you need to work on your self-esteem. You also need to keep yourself surrounded by positive people that speak love into you. I remember when I was in high school I didn’t think I was pretty at all or that anyone would want me and now that I’m 29 LOL I look back at my teenage years and wish I looked like that great still. You will find someone who will meet you where you are at emotionally who accepts you for not being 100% OK right now for whatever reason. You’re still quite young from the looks of it- you have so much time to find someone that will be good for you. I believe it ❤️
     
  3. CaraBear

    CaraBear Greenhorn

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    Thank you! That's very kind of you to say, and your advice is incredibly helpful. I know it's all in my head so I really wanted to vent. I love my friends and they are incredibly supportive but whenever I bring this up, they shut it down really quickly and although I appreciate that, I think it's also good to talk about emotions. I have a long way to go, haha, but like you said, I'm sure it'll get better. :) 
     
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  4. WilltheWeirdo98

    WilltheWeirdo98 Isolative weaboo
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    My dad died when I was 8. I have held hands even kissed a few times. Although sometimes it's like I never have. The long lasting bond never happened for me. I knew someone in high school but I feel like I didn't try hard enough to keep it together. Some things happened since then. I had the same thought as the title for 5 years. It's not that I don't find attraction to certain girls its the same thought every time I think I'm too weird or said person will reject. Had a handful of those which I can completely understand now. I had the type of mom that's okay with church type interaction but anything else is almost a sin to her she sheltered too much. Which still didn't really matter since I'm messed up. Work at a farm and pet my cats cats are nice. Now 22, I don't know what to do.
     
    #4 WilltheWeirdo98, Sep 22, 2020
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2020
  5. Edge
    Dr Pepper Addict

    Edge Hot Cookie
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    I kinda know how you feel. I'm not good enough to even be any one's friend.
     
  6. Lv4music
    Jaded

    Lv4music Reliable Advisor
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    Hey y'all. I understand all of you. I empathize cuz I think that's a pretty common issue on this site. Nobody feels good enough cuz you get beat down by your family or your environment not accepting you. That negative self talk keeps repeating in your head. It sucks. But it's extremely common. Don't go thinking you're a misfit cuz of that. It actually probably makes you more like everyone else than you know. It is hard to overcome and it sucks. But all of you are a lot better and real than a lot of other people who can't admit that they even feel like that.
    I don't know if that's helpful, but it's from my heart and what's left of my mind
    Please you guys try not to be so hard on yourselves. We are all struggling in some way. Let's stick together and try to overcome it all.

    Sent from my S48c using Tapatalk
     
  7. Lv4music
    Jaded

    Lv4music Reliable Advisor
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    I feel like that too. But we're both good enough. I have more issues than a magazine club, but I keep on trucking. Hang in there. We all good enough, if not better than most in this shitty world. I'm lucky enough to have tasted a better life , but then again, everything kinda sucks by comparison. My best to you all. We all in this together

    Sent from my S48c using Tapatalk
     
  8. Lv4music
    Jaded

    Lv4music Reliable Advisor
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    One more thing.... Many of us have been raised in an environment that is toxic to us. We've gotten so used to it that we don't realize we keep the same toxic company as friends. It's really harmful to one's self esteem and self worth. But it's what we are so used to dealing with that it becomes our comfort zone. Please try to recognize what is toxic to you while you're young. You still have plenty of time. It's much more difficult when you're older.
    Learn what you want to be your boundaries and set them firmly, but with grace. If people don't respect them, they will be toxic to you. It can be lonely, but it's empowering. What makes you feel empowered gives you strength and progressively more confidence. That is what non-toxic people are attracted to. It can set you free in time

    Sent from my S48c using Tapatalk
     
    #8 Lv4music, Sep 24, 2020
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2020
  9. john1010101
    Old Hag

    john1010101 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    Unfortunately I have few ideas that might help apart from the usual cop-out of suggestion ‘professional’ assistance. However I’ll give it a try.

    There’s one evil force that keep rearing it’s ugly head here by implication, the power of religion and society in general to brainwash us from an early age with expectations and rules about who we should be and how we should all behave as so called normal humans. Can I suggest there’s more toxicity buried in all these mindless presumptions than you can shake a stick at?
    Negative self talk is related to this but sometimes it’s more complicated and insidious. Ayn Rand used a term for this ‘white blackmail’. I think what she was getting at is society will use your best features against you, especially independent thinking and desires labelled as ‘unnatural’ or worse ’sinful'. Unnatural to whom? Given the shocking results of so called ‘cure by prayer’ therapy it amazes me such religious insanity is tolerated by so called loving christians.

    Maybe it sounds trite to suggest, but if you think you’re not good enough to be anyone’s friend you first need to dump the guilt that’s been laid at your feet since the cradle and be a friend to yourself.
     
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  10. hj1234

    hj1234 Lurker

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    I feel this so much! I've never been on a date, held hands or anything like that. I am 23 and a lesbian, not out to anybody so can't talk about these things. I also have no confidence in myself and feel like I'm not good enough for anything.

    I have a problem with ghosting people too, I think it's a defensive thing for me: I stop talking to people I like (friends or otherwise) to stop them from hurting me when I get close to them.

    I have found that a good way to build self esteem is to set myself a target/challenge and stick to it - for example cooking something new, making/creating something, walking further than usual etc. Small steps to start with :)  once I feel more productive, I start to feel better about myself as a person.

    I also try writing down one thing a day that you like about yourself - it doesn't have to be a physical attribute - maybe something like 'I'm very creative' or 'I am very caring towards other people'.

    If you'd like to talk, feel free to message me :)  I understand what you're going through and it's horrible to feel like you're alone when going through this.
     
  11. rado84
    Horny

    rado84 pansexual, atheist
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    After my first male love and then the first female love there were 12 years in which I thought I wasn't good enough for anyone bc during my relationship with the girl I got fat (my job was mostly to sit on a chair and burn CDs and DVDs for customers; no movement - I got fat) and after that nobody wanted me. Every time I tried to make a relationship I kept hearing "I like you just as a friend" to the point that phrase would make me vomit when I heard it. I had even given up trying to find someone and got used to being alone.
    But two months ago while I was having my dinner in one of the local McDonald's restaurants, unexpectedly I found a boy 9 years younger than me (I'm 36) who liked me. He sat closely next to me instead of sitting in the seat across the table and that was the first sign. We started talking about music and an hour later ended up rolling between the sheets in his apartment. :)  I still wonder what he finds attractive about me given that I got a little heavier in the last few years. I'm guessing he's pansexual like me bc he said the look had no meaning to him and he cared more about the way I treated him. Well, we keep our relationship strictly to sex only (on my insistence bc I'm afraind what might happen if I fall in love with him), though lately I'm getting the feeling it's getting more personal to him than just sex.
    My point is that people may surprise you eventually, if you're patient enough. I live in a country where if you don't have an expensive car and bottomless pockets, you're not considered to be a human, so finding a person of either gender who doesn't see people like a walking wallet is something one shouldn't miss. So if even an ugly fatty like me managed to find someone, who's to say you won't?
    In my country there are two sayings which I'll translate literally bc IDK their equivalents in English (it ain't my native language), I hope you'll understand what they mean:
    • "There are passengers for every train"
    and
    • "Nobody leaves this life a virgin".
     

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