No self esteem

So I was working at a place where I felt valued and I was starting to get self-esteem and confidence. I almost thought I was worth something and an important part of a team!

And then I was stupid enough to go get training to get a better job, leaving that job so I could take the classes/internship(s). Going back to school, for one thing, felt really humiliating because I was so much older and I had a graduate education as it was (I just needed a specific certification)
And the first (and it was supposed to be only) full-time internship really destroyed what little self-esteem, confidence, and dignity I had left, and it really wasn't much.

I just don't have any self-esteem left and trying to build it is like trying to pick up water with a slotted spoon. I mean, I have no basis for self-esteem. I'm a failure at everything I wanted to accomplish. I'm a failure career-wise and financially and am ashamed at the amount of education I've had. I'm a failure at building and/or maintaining any sorts of relationships. I don't have a chance at having a partner or family now that the one person who was able to be attracted to me enough has gotten too sick of me as a romantic partner and we can only be "friends" now. And "friends" means no closeness of course. And it's not like he ever acknowledged my gender anyway so it's not like he REALLY knew me.

And that's all there is. I don't get to really celebrate holidays. I don't get someone to tell how my day went. I don't get someone to experience life with. I'm not completely sure I get to experience life. It's good I have a very good imagination. Ever since I was a kid, I needed to imagine relationships and experiences just so I could experience them in some way.

I know I was ugly as a kid, but I thought I grew out of it and was okay looking. I can barely attract anyone, let alone someone I'm attracted to so I have to wonder if I ever outgrew it at all. Apparently, I'm ugly inside and out no matter how hard I try to be conscientious, kind, and helpful.

How much do I have to give before I'm worthy of getting my needs met? How much do I have to compromise myself?

It's unlikely that I'll ever be in an environment where I can try to grow self-esteem again...if I can ever have any stability at all for that matter. And even if I do, then there's just loneliness to look forward to.

 

My dear friend, there's no kind way to say this so I'll just say it bluntly...stop feeling sorry for yourself. The longer you spend thinking "poor me" the longer you'll remain a failure.
Sometimes you'll feel like there's just no point in going forward and sometimes life just plain sucks, and that's when you get up, tell depression to go fuck itself and you keep on walking.

Focus on one thing in your life that you're not happy about, anything at all, even if it's an extremely unimportant petty annoyance, and fix it. Not perfectly, not thoroughly, but quickly. Get it done. Then pat yourself on the back for a job (well) done, realise that now your to-do list is one item shorter, choose the next smallest item on the list and again, get it done.

That's how you build from rock bottom. I don't feel sorry for you because I have faith in you. You can do it!

 

Sorry, I shouldn’t have posted this. I’m not sure what I needed (I guess to be heard?), but this isn’t it. This backfired as it often does.

The first thing I need to learn is how to resist the urge to share. Sit. Listen. Don’t speak. Stay in character.

 

Here you go!
Your welcome! <3

https://lgbtchat.net/threads/mindset-101-self-everything-thread.84074/