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Need some help with this one

Discussion in 'Lesbian' started by Ess, Mar 25, 2020 at 9:27 AM.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Ess

    Ess Lurker

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    Before I go into details, please don't suggest that I move on, or try not to think about it, or not let it bother me; I'm currently trying all of that but it's not an overnight process. An explanation of why what I'm about to tell you is occurring would help speed that process up.

    Had a really cool girlfriend back in late-2018. Things escalated quickly. She asked me to meet her parents. She wanted to make us Facebook official. I wasn't completely out yet but was about to come out following this. It was a big step for me and I was excited. For the first time in my life, I felt completely happy and myself with someone. Besides the day she broke up with me, there wasn't a bad moment I spent with her. I'd had a really bad year - got outed at one job, let go from the one after, and damaged a very important friendship. She was a glimmer of hope that things would be good for me.

    I decided to tell her how I felt. I got emotional. I'm not an outwardly emotional person normally, but for some reason, it didn't scare me with her. She distanced herself for a bit. Then she broke up with me. When I tell you I've never been through anything more painful in my life, please believe me. I cried for weeks over her, every single day. Food had no taste, sleep was the only thing that made me feel okay...you know how it goes. I wasn't very active on social media for a while, but then I got back to some semblance of myself. My sense of humor slowly came back. I was starting to feel okay again.

    I unfriended her on Facebook and took our picture from Instagram down. It was too hard to look at. I neglected to remove her as a friend from Instagram. It was initially an oversight. The only reason I even noticed was because she viewed my story. The first time, it surprised me. She initiated the break-up; it made no sense.

    I originally wrote it off as an accident. Soon, her name began to pop up on every single story I shared. Every last one. There isn't a single one she's missed. Again, I wrote it off as a lingering curiosity. Something about this, though, is bothering me. I'll admit that I've reached out to her twice. I won't go into full details, only that I wanted to make sure she was okay, and the other to tell her happy birthday. She's ignored me both times.

    To make matters more confusing, she's now happily taken. My feelings about this aren't complicated; I want her to be happy and be in love. I want her to be with someone that respects her and loves her. She deserves it. I know nothing about the person she's with, other than her name and face. I can't torture myself by making up a personality for someone I've never met or talked to - it just doesn't bode well for me, and I'm too old to involve myself in that sort of thing.

    My hope is to maybe find someone that's experienced something similar. For reasons I've already touched on, I don't think I can completely cut her off. If something happened to her, I'd never forgive myself. I recognize this probably doesn't make much sense, but I can't just forget about her. It's a weird way of staying connected to someone, but at the same time, I'm the type of person that wants to know why the connection is still there. When we were together, I taught her how to block people on Instagram (ironically enough for lurking on her social media). Part of me feels like if she wanted to, she would have.

    I'm just super confused, y'all.
     
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  2. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Addictive Contributor
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    So as i've said on a few posts, i've never been in a relationship. However, I DO know what its like to feel that deeply for someone and to want things to work out with them, even if the other person does not share that desire. Last year, I fell in love with this girl in one of my classes and I thought the absolute world of her. She was so unlike anyone I had ever seen or met before and I thought she was beautiful in every single possible way. Her name, her voice, her eyes, her hair, her laugh, her kindness, how bold and unafraid she was, literally everything. I was SO scared of taking to her though so for a long time, I didn't and instead would just wear all the prettiest dresses I owned in hopes that she would notice and initiate conversation first lol. That kind of worked, but I ultimately did have to initiate something. This one day, she sat behind me and I thought to myself "okay, its now or never and if I don't do this, I am going to spend my entire life regretting it." I passed her a note saying something like "I've wanted to say this for awhile, but i'm really shy. I think your hair is really pretty, what do you do to dye it?" (her hair was this bright orangey red and I also had been wanting to dye mine for awhile). I was SO afraid for those however many minutes I waited for her to write back. I thought she would get annoyed with me because she was pretty active in class, or I don't even know what I thought lol. But she did write back, and she was SO sweet. She talked to me for the rest of class and when she went to leave that day, she said "i'll see you later Julia, and I really do think your hair would look beautiful as a reddish color or even pink". I was like floating down the hall that day lol. I could NOT wait to tell my friend what happened. Then for a few weeks, I didn't see her because of spring break, but I DID dye my hair. When I came back to school and she came into the classroom, I am not lying, I was the first person she saw and paid any attention to. She was SO excited that I had gone through with it and said so many times how beautiful it was. As days went on, we talked more and more, we got each others instagrams, things were going well.I did notice that she didn't really say much when we were outside of school (on insta), and a few times she told me it was because she was bogged down with schoolwork which I was fine with, things were still going really good at school. I was SO happy, felt so lucky that we had become friends because it was also a difficult time at home for me. Having her around during that time period helped a lot because whenever I was worried or scared, i'd just think to myself "its okay, i'll be seeing her on Monday" or what have you. I was also starting to think that maybe she liked me too because of our in person interactions. She said some things sometimes that seemed like she might be flirting with me and she also did little things that made me see "okay, she really does care about me. I mean something to her." This one day, she was taking to one of her other friends when class ended and I figured i'd just go because I didn't want to disturb them. As I was almost out the door, I heard her stop what she was doing and she says from behind me "oh no wait!" I turned around and she said "i'll see you later" with a smile. To stop everything just to say goodbye to me? Wow. I was SO in love with her, just like you were with your gf. I thought she came at the most perfect time and she was the most perfect person.

    However, like with your thing, things went south fast for reasons I never understood. One day I came to school and she was a lot more subdued. She still smiled at me when I came in and talked to me, but it was a lot less. I was a little worried but just figured she was tired and things would be better the next time. Well, things didn't get better, they got worse. She slowly started saying less and less, stopped acknowledging me altogether, I could tell there had been a big shift and I was heartbroken, instantly blamed myself. I was crying for days and days to my mom and friends, I had no clue what to do or what happened. One of my friends told me to send her one last message on insta and just let the ball be in her court from that point. I did that and just said I hope things were okay and that I was a little worried I may have upset her in some way, if I had I was very sorry and would never do whatever it was again, that I surely didn't mean it. She did write back after a day or 2 and said she was really sorry, she hadden't been on her phone much because the keyboard broke or something, I don't know. She again mentioned being super stressed with school, but said multiple times that we were just fine, that I had nothing at all to worry about. A few days later, I invited her to see a movie with me and she said yes, that she would let me know when she was free. I thought okay, things are good, I have nothing to worry about now. We had like 2 days left of school before summer, and both days I didn't really notice much of a change from before our messaging convo ,but again, she had told me I had nothing to worry about so I tried not to. She did bring up the movie again and said she was very excited to see it, she just didn't know when abouts she'd be free because of work. Still, I was fine. That was also around the time of my birthday so I was excited thinking i'd be going on "my first date" really close to my 25th birthday, that this was going to be great. My birthday came, nothing from her. 2-3 weeks passed with school being out, nothing from her. I wrote her a few times about the movie, nothing from her. She "read" the messages, but that's it. A month passes, nothing. A few weeks into June, I see she unfollowed me on instagram. We never saw the movie, I never saw her again other than randomly at school in passing.

    I cannot express to you how sad I was about losing her, how it was the absolute last thing I ever thought would happen and I ever wanted to happen. The day she unfollowed me was the day I was just going to take a risk and tell her how I felt. I never got to do that. I cried and cried and cried some more. I spent so much of my summer totally depressed about it. My friends were angry about it, felt like I should move on and forget her, that she wasn't worth it, that she never cared. They said "you'll find someone better, why do you care about her so much!" See, that's the thing. I never knew how much I hated that statement because in that moment, you don't WANT anyone better. You want that person, no matter how things ended. It really hurt me that my friends were like that, and it caused me to stop talking about it. I really want you to know that there is NO time stamp as to when you need to be done grieving for a relationship. Everyone takes different amounts of time, and each relationship takes different amounts of time. Don't let anyone EVER tell you there is or make you feel like you should have forgotten by now, that just isn't true or realistic. Why it hurts so damn much is because that person meant something to us, we wanted a life with them. We had all these lovely, magical expectations, and none of those could be a reality. There was SO much I wanted to do with her, so much I wanted to share, and none of it could happen. There was also so much of a worry that it WAS me, and then it was like "what about me didn't she like? What about me made her leave?" which was also earth shattering. Rejection is never, ever easy. I know that grief you described well too, that WAS me. The day she unfollowed me, I wanted to drink SO badly and i've never, ever wanted alchohol. I don't want to ever drink because I have alchoholism in my family, but that day, I didn't care. I wanted the pain to stop, I wanted to forget. I didn't DO it, thank god, but I could have. I didn't eat well for a long time either, didn't sleep good, cried all the time, it sucked. I did start going to therapy over it because I just REALLY needed some support outside my friends and family. Its been a bit for me though, almost a year. Although I will not say I no longer care about her or miss her, because I do, I still think a lot about her, things have gotten better slowly. I don't think about her AS much. You'll get there too. Just try to focus on your own life and day to day things you have to do, hobbies you have. Its totally okay to journal about this, and I even wrote some poems about her. I posted one of them on the art section thing we have on the forum here. Its also fine to write her a letter saying everything you feel and never sending it, I did that too. Anything you need to do to cope in a healthy way. I am REALLY sorry though, truly=(I hate that anyone had to go through what I did or anything similar, I know how difficult it is and how much it hurts=( I never DID unfollow her, so I still see things she posts sometimes. I've just never been the kind of person that does that, I feel bad unfollowing people and I don't like ignoring that there was ever anything that happened, you know? Like I wouldn't delete pictures I had up of an old friend and I, even if we were no longer friends. I get 100 percent why people do though and maybe in a way, its easier. Anyway though, i've talked a LOT lol. If you need anything at all, i'm here for you. I wish there were more people there for me when my thing happened, so I really want to be there for people who experienced similar things<3
     
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