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Bisexual Navigating bisexuality while married

Discussion in 'Bisexual & Pansexual' started by MarriedBiDadof4, Nov 29, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. MarriedBiDadof4

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    I'm new to posting on a forum and well, really talking about it outside of my therapist's office, but here goes.

    I'm 39, been married for 22 years. Have 4 children with my best friend of 24 years. Came out to her when I was 24 or 25, (I don't exactly remember). Our relationship has seen its ups and downs as we've navigated throughout the years, and I'm realizing it's almost all been due to my bisexuality. As I've gotten older I've realized I'm not really that attracted to other women as much as men, with the exception of my wife and a few others. Our marriage is open for me to be with other men, because my wife knows she doesn't have the "equipment" necessary to fulfill that need. I still really long for a personal intimate relationship with a man. I get questioned all the time about if I'm more gay than straight and I hate the fact that people still toss that around like it's a thing. I'm 100% bisexual, and that's all that matters.

    I go back and forth on if I think I will be truly happy the way things are, and continue to try and find a man that is willing to be exclusive to me on a queer level and my wife to me on that side, or if I think I will be happier in a male only relationship. I do know that I will always want intimacy with a man, and don't necessarily need a women, but I love my wife and my kids. I love being sexual with my wife. I don't know... Just confused on what it all means I guess. More fodder for my therapist...
     
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  2. Doglover44
    Complacent

    Doglover44 Active Veteran
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    Welcome im married 10 years and Bisexual too
     
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  3. Ciaran73

    Ciaran73 Greenhorn

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    I'm 47, married with two kids (grown up now) and been with my wife for 32 years. My wish is that she will allow us to open up our marriage for me to experience intimacy with a man and quell my urges.
     
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  4. Webb

    Webb Greenhorn
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    I'm 52 with a wife and teenaged daughter. My wife knows I'm occasionally attracted to men. We talked to a counselor when it first came up, and essentially decided that it didn't have to mean anything to the relationship if we're still committed to each other. This was over 10 years ago.

    During the pandemic I've had more time to come to terms with the attraction. Things are a bit more complicated now because we stopped having sex a couple of years ago. It's too painful for my wife, and she's no longer willing to use a lubricant due to the health risks.

    How does the attraction work for you guys? I'm physically drawn to sex with women, but I think I would enjoy intimacy with the right man as well, and I sense that it might be more emotionally fulfilling, partly because he would simply understand me better.

    My wife and I really like each other and make a good team. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't go for the idea of me being intimate with a man. MBD4, how much time did it take to reach the agreement you have with your wife? I'm envious, or at least as much as someone could be without ever having had a romantic encounter with someone of the same gender.
     
  5. Vanessa Michelle
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    I can sure identify with a lot of this. I am definitely pansexual, AMAB, but also a pre-op trans woman, only recently started thinking about transitioning to female in the future. I am married with 2 kids and my wife does not know about my orientation. I have hidden it my whole life because we are Christians and the traditional view in the Church is less than favorable towards these things. Anyway, as for how it works for me, I am very sexually attracted to women and some men. I love being in an intimate or romantic relationship with a woman, and only recently asked myself if I would want that with a man or if I think I am only sexually attracted to them. I now believe I would seek a relationship with a man if I was no longer married. I would also strongly consider the medical transition to female as well. I have known my whole life I am bi or pan, I now realize I am pansexual. I find the more I entertain the thought of being with a man in a loving and sexual relationship, the more I want that someday.
     
  6. Ross Marton

    Ross Marton Hot Cookie
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    I am bisexual and married. My wife has always known. She tells me she knew before we were married. Our relationship is unusual in that she has maintained male partners right throughout our marriage and I have always had someone as well. It definitely would not work for most but it works well for us.
     
  7. Johnnybisexual

    Johnnybisexual Lover of Penis and Vagina
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    Webb, I am in a somewhat similar situation, I have a desire to perform oral sex on other men, which I do, outside of Covid. It’s a “don’t ask don’t tell” situation with my wife. She knows that I love to do it, so I have tactic approval, but she doesn’t want to know when it happens. As far as the lubrication issue, it’s quite common after menopause, but what health issues are you talking about with lubricants? We use KY Jelly very successfully. My wife is nearly 66, I am 64 and neither one of us could live without intercourse. I use Viagra, she uses KY and away we go. I am really curious to hear about any issues with lubricants. We will not use hormone replacement therapy because of health risks, but we aren’t aware of any other issues.
     
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  8. Webb

    Webb Greenhorn
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    She explained it at the time but I don't recall the details. To be honest, the sex was already infrequent (once every few months) and hadn't been good for a long time. When we were dating I was on meds that let me go all night, but since I got off them I'm back to 0-60 in no time. So in a way, neither of us got what we signed up for in the sex department.

    There's also been the realization that much as I love my wife, sex with women has only been about physical pleasure for me. It's never been an emotionally bonding experience. As I've come to more fully accept my attraction to some men, I've wondered if it would be different.

    So anyway, maybe I'll raise the subject at some point, but it's pretty clear that she hasn't missed the intimacy. Thanks for the feedback.

    Sent from my SM-T380 using Tapatalk
     
  9. Doglover44
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    Doglover44 Active Veteran
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    Here the past 2 years since I came out I have been wanting a man more and more yet I still love my wife to bits
     
  10. 2bye1

    2bye1 Lurker

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    Married guy that kind of knew I was bi for years .I discussed it with her a few years back so was ok with it .we evolved into a bit of swinging mostly just me casually touching guys with her watching .we did swing with a few couples and I loved it she didn't t .after that a sleep with a guy went all the way with him was fun but wrong guy for me .at first she was OK with me hooking up as long as she didn't t know .while she did ask and I told her and she was upset even thou she oked it.so not sure what to do I really want to go further could be a guy or she could join in with a bi guy .so when I talk to her she's OK with me chatting with guys but doesn't t want me to hook up .I really want her in my life but also want to continue with men .
     
  11. bytheBi

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    Hi everyone
    I am 44, 10 years married to my wife who I adore and we have a wonderful daughter together.
    I had experimented with both male and female partners when I was younger and enjoyed it but never felt really drawn towards men as much as women so I never really thought about it with the exception of the occasional short lived fantasy.
    Over years the fantasies increased and desire grew stronger until I eventually became aware I had not properly acknowledged that part of myself.
    I came out to myself as Bisexual an then came out to my wife. I had never told her about my same sex encounters before as I was afraid I would lose her. (I had told a previous serious girlfriend and that did not go down well)
    I saw a LGBTQ councillor to discuss where I was with my sexuality, concluding that yes I am Bisexual but that didn't change that I am also still attracted to and Love my Wife as much as ever and she is who I want to spend my life with.
    I have been mindful to keep acknowledgeing my sexuality though not actively. The issue I'm having is that every so often my desire to be with a man dominates with fire in the blood intensity before eventually calming again.
    I worry that if by trying to bottle up these urges it will eventually destroy my marriage rather than keep it alive and am starting to think myself into knots trying to figure it out.
    Maybe you're in the same boat or have been there so it would be great to be able to talk to someone who can relate.
     
  12. Webb

    Webb Greenhorn
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    Yeah I'm really not sure how to bring it up with my wife. Based on a discussion we had years ago, she probably thinks of it as something that we've left in the past. I may raise the topic of physical intimacy in general, and explain that while I miss it between us, I appreciate knowing what to expect, after wondering for so long if there was a problem (I was initially suspicious, but she's not the type who would cheat). This could possibly segue into how she would feel if I occasionally had a romantic encounter with a man to satisfy that part of myself.

    I do not see the discussion going well, and I know I'm risking the marriage simply by bringing it up. In fairness, she did the same by ending our sex life.

    Aside from that, the life I have now is probably the one I would have wanted in the end. But that's part of the issue, isn't it? I won't know for sure without exploring it. I would have done so at a younger age but lost my adolescence and young adulthood to depression and anxiety. When I first discovered my bisexuality (I was married with a young daughter by then), I hated the idea of being cheated out of it. I guess I need to think about it some more.
     
  13. bytheBi

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    I've wondered if I had maybe I had dated more guys, met the right guy had maybe done something different would I be where I am now? Would I perhaps be in exactly the same place?
    I felt that I had to stop that as hindsight is clarity after a past even event that can't be changed. I was struggling enough with what I was feeling now and where I could go from here and how.
    My wife and I haven't discussed my bisexuality either since I came out to her. I suspect there is a feeling of inadequacy from her that she isn't enough for me and that I prefer men over her. I'd love to feel free to comare how hot we thought some guys were with her but don't want to risk upsetting her. Our sex life is infrequent too and although I enjoy it when it happens I feel like I'm going through the motions. I wonder if she feels the same and our marriage is more our emotional connection rather than physical.
    Apologies if this sounds like a ramble but that's how my head is at the moment
     
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  14. Webb

    Webb Greenhorn
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    No need to apologize. Thanks for sharing your experience!
     
  15. Mckadam

    Mckadam Hot Cookie
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    Webb, may I ask what is the reason she shut down sex? Is it that she just doesn’t want to anymore or is there a physical/medical limitation?

    I get so many mixed messages from my wife. We hadn’t had sex in years and then she said she wanted to start again. I go through the trouble of getting a prescription for viagra. But it’s as if nothing had changed. She never imitates, she rarely touches me and never sexually. She’s even seen me ready to go and said “ok let’s get this over with.” I don’t quite understand any of it. And if I were to say anything about spicing things up or he’ll, me being interested in exploring my bisexuality, it would be my fault that we don’t have sex anymore because I’m gay of looking at porn.
    Sorry, didn’t mean to turn your post into a sexless marriage post lol. But I definitely feel the same frustration you do.
     
  16. Webb

    Webb Greenhorn
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    Hey Mckadam, no worries. Thanks for sharing your experience.

    It's a bit of both. It's too painful for her without lubricant (we're both in our 50s), and she's no longer willing to use the stuff due to health risks she read about. I also think she's lost interest/enjoyment over time, though the frequency dropped abruptly after my daughter was born, which was only a couple of months after we married.

    Some of what you describe is familiar... years ago she would scoff at any suggestion I made about having sex more often. Then when my bisexuality first surfaced and I explained that it might have partly been brought on by our lack of intimacy, she said she felt like she had let me down. For having had her share of boyfriends, she's surprisingly naïve about men in some ways. But a lot of it is just timing... raising a young child is very taxing, and by the time we got through that, she was going through menopause.

    Sorry about your situation. It can be a tough subject to bring up... have you guys thought about talking to a counselor?
     
  17. Mckadam

    Mckadam Hot Cookie
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    yes I’m in my 40s and my wife is in her 50s. After our last child was born, she became deathly afraid of getting pregnant again, which I never could quite understand because she had a fine pregnancy. She wanted to have sec with a condom but I just can’t. It stops working like that. Then if she were to “give in”, she’d lie there with her eyes closed until I was done. She doesn’t like kissing, she loves massages but to receive only, not to give them. If I ever go near her vulva or breasts, she clamps her body up like a clam. I finally got to a point where I was overwhelmed and frustrated and just gave up, sabotaging my natural libido so that I would be able to get over her constant denials. She is no longer fertile and has started to express an interest in having sex again. So I had difficulty getting my libido back and went to a urologist to get a blue pill prescription. This was about six months ago and we’ve had sex twice. I think we have no other recourse but to go to a counselor if this doesn’t resolve soon. I have made an online friend with another bisexual husband and we have a very erotic correspondence but no plans or interest to take it further. It’s a fun way to let off steam. It gets pretty hot so it’s very satisfying and it’s a way for me to explore my bisexuality safely.
     
  18. Ross Marton

    Ross Marton Hot Cookie
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    I had better preface this by saying I am Ross' wife, not Ross. I have been at him for ages to let me read his posts on here and he finally allowed me to. Seeing his response on this thread I asked him if it would be okay for me to post a response and he finally said okay.

    When Ross and I met I knew right away he was a bit different and we hadn't been dating long before I figured out he was bi. I am a little bit bi (if that's even possible) and was open to about anything when he and I met. When he "came out" to me I told him I already knew and had no problem with it but had some rules. The first was that if he saw anyone (the meaning being obvious) then whoever he saw had to have a clean bill of health. The second was that I had to know before and after. The third was the most difficult for him. I had to meet the guy. The fourth rule I thought would be the hardest of them and that was that if he could see someone outside of our marriage then I could too. I was amazed when he agreed readily. I didn't expect that at all. We have been together for a lot of years now and we have settled into a comfortable and open life together.

    And Ross is right. I knew before we were married. It became obvious to me very quickly. We have an amazing marriage and I would not do anything different
     
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