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Transgender My story so far.

Discussion in 'Transgender' started by Perrie.x69x, Mar 28, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Perrie.x69x
    Feminine

    Perrie.x69x Aka GuyOrGirl
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    Im honestly just bored, and i wanna share my story with you all.

    When i was 15, my young pubescent self got very curious about female clothing, mostly tights. It was nothing more then just a fetish, and something was i found myself very interested in. I bought a pair of tights online wondering what they were like to wear, as previously i had no idea. I wore them in my room when i was alone, i got very "excited" with them on, and because of this i bought more and more pairs.

    Around the same time my very poor mental health, as in anxiety and depression caused me to drop out of high school, and stop caring as much about my hygiene and phyiscal health, i stopped getting my haircut, i had less showers... leaving school gave me more time alone with the tights, and by this point other clothes like skirts and shoes. I was wearing them less for my self pleasure, and more because i genuinly liked wearing them. I was still sure this was just a bit of a fetish id grow out of within a few months.

    Around my 16th birthday, with money from my parents i found it very difficult to stop myself buying more clothes, but i did stop myself for a little bit and i was actually trying to stop myself from wearing the clothes at all, as i was worried i may be enjoying them a little too much. But with my poor mental health that was only getting worse, the clothes were really helping. I was getting to be really confused why i enjoyed wearing them, and why they were actually helping.

    By the time i turned 17, i knew there was something more to this. It wasnt just a fetish, i was just really enjoying these clothes. Knowing nothing about all this stuff i found myself here, and everybody helped me narrow it down to a few explainations, and i pretty sure i was either a crossdresser, or transgender.

    You all also helped me realise that i could actually explore and experiment with all this stuff, as i was still telling myself i shouldnt be wearing these clothes, i was still myself it was wrong. All this time experimenting with what i liked and what i didnt made me realise i am indeed transgender, but i still spent a lot of time denying it telling myself its a phase, ill get over it, i can forget about it and live the rest of my life just fine.

    The fact im still here makes it clear i was very wrong. ive finally decided to except the fact i am transgender. instead of trying to deny it, im now trying to embrace it, although i still dont see myself ever coming out, i know who i am. I tried painting my nails, styling my already very long hair in a more feminine way, and now i want to try makeup.

    In the past 3 years ive gone from being fine as a male, to hating being a male. I dont like my genitals, i dont like my body shape, i dont like my voice i dont like my body hair, i hate it all. In this time I have cut my wrists, i started eating less and i have been slowly distancing myself from my all of my friends and some of my family and i have attempted suicide multiple times. One night a couple months ago i stole my dads car, took it down a few back roads, on a striahgt i got it up to around 60mph with the intention of crashing the car into the next solid tree or wall i saw, i also wasnt wearing a seatbelt. Being completely honest, i am still very worried that one day a suicide attempt wont be just an attempt. Im sure that now im trying to ambrace being trans instead of trying to deny it, my mental health will improve, but i feel for the sake of being honest, i have to tell you all that it is still very much a possibility.

    This all started because i had a bit of money and wondered what tights were like to wear. Since accepting myself as trans, my pronouns and name have started bothering me more and more, thats why i gave myself the name Perrie, that way people who do know im trans, so here and a couple online friends ive made from here can see me the way i want them too.


    I need to say thank you, to everybody who's helped me during this time


    Theres probably all sorts of typos and errors in this story, but im tired and slightly drunk, im sure you can all forgive me lol
     
  2. Ahyoka
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    Ahyoka Hot Cookie
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    Well thank you for sharing, but I just wanna say before anything else, if you ever feel that low again please reach out. Reach out here (I’m sure you’ve seen the posts). Reach out to any number of other prevention hotlines or sites. There’s one you can text. I wish I could remember it, maybe someone else could help me here? But that’s never the answer. I promise you, regardless of how you may think people will act if you tell them, or live as you need to to be happy, most (I didn’t say all) but most people who are close to you, would rather have you as you, whatever that is, then not have you at all
     
  3. Ahyoka
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    Ahyoka Hot Cookie
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    As far as the rest, what I would say is, there’s a lot more support out there now then there used to be. There’s still opposition. Your still gonna have roadblocks. But if you truly feel you aren’t able to live how you need to in order to be happy and comfortable, I would advise you to keep on trying to find what it is that will and work your way to it as you can. I’m not saying force some major change. You could find going out Cross to some things or events privately is all you need. Or some other variation. You may decide over time you need more and want more major changes. So, I say that as a 32yr biological male who realizes now with kids and failed marriage that I suppressed my true self so hard, for so long that it is just now coming to realization mentally. And now, to make any changes is just that much more difficult. So, don’t w yourself. Obviously be careful. Don’t force yourself. But find what you want, who you want to be and move towards it.
     
  4. Perrie.x69x
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    Perrie.x69x Aka GuyOrGirl
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    I know, but its not easy to reach out to people when i know i should. So far every attempt ive had, i have chosen not to. When i stole my dads car, i was hard on the throttle, about to take my hands off the wheel, but i decided to grab the wheels and hit the brake, i have no idea why i changed my mind at that point, but i did. Hopefully whatever reason i found, i keep finding. But i know i cant live my life this way. Hopefully when im confident enough i can see a therpaist, and work on this properly
     
  5. Ahyoka
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    Ahyoka Hot Cookie
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    Just keep trying to get there. I know it’s hard to reach out. To this point in my life I’ve had the same issue. But we just keep moving forward as best we can, and it’s just important you know the resources are there. You can always talk to me. Although I’m new here and may not have a lot of answers, I’m willing to listen whenever I can
     
  6. Perrie.x69x
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    Perrie.x69x Aka GuyOrGirl
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    Thank You, it means a lot
     
  7. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Reliable Contributor
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    I agree with everything the above poster said, and please don't continue hurting yourself=( I absolutely understand that you are in pain and going through a lot of hardship, I def. understand feeling like you have nobody to talk to or who can relate to you, i've been there and its a very, very dark place. The reality though is you DO, there ARE people out there you can turn to for support. You can absolutely come here, there are hotlines, if you are still in school there are the school counselors (I know right now due to the virus, schools may be shut down in your area. Mine is a college and they are still doing therapy appointments by phone as well as therapy support groups on zoom). At schools there are also Queer support groups or clubs that you could take advantage of and you would meet other like minded people. That would be an easy route to making more friends and having closer support vs online, but either way is just fine. I really am so sorry about all you've been going through=( Just know things WILL get better, they will. You are a wonderful, beautiful and important person, you matter and you are meant to do great things and influence all kinds of people. In terms of what to do when you feel super low, you can also journal or draw if you are into art. Sometimes just removing yourself from your home helps a ton. I know its harder now with the virus, but thank god we are still allowed to take walks. It really is a good thing too that you are starting to embrace and accept yourself, I feel like you will slowly start to feel better as time goes on. It won't feel like this forever, even though I know it feels like it will. Things have to change<3
     
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