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Trigger Warning! My Mother Frustrates me. ರ╭╮ರ

Discussion in 'Dealing with Narcissistic People' started by Thief King Bakura, Feb 7, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Thief King Bakura
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    Thief King Bakura I solenmly swear I am Up to no good.
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    Why would I be posting this in the narc forum? Because my mother still has narc tendencies, even if she isn't been (officially) diagnosed with NPD, she still has traits. She invalidates my feelings still to this day, plays fucking mind games and when I get off the phone with her I feel drained. When she starts talking negativity about my father (I've trash talked my father plenty before on here and IRL) but it gets to a point where I feel like I'm reverting back into that old self where I was basically this negative and cynical bitchass all the time. I understand now that it was a self defense mechanism to help me cope with my situation while living with my mother. Anyway, let me get to the point of this post or allow me to elaborate further...

    While I'm happy to be talking with my mother again, she's (sort of) trying to accept me as her son, and stuff like that. That isn't what has been driving me nuts about her, it's her demanding that if and when she comes up to see me that I give her the paintings and the blue ray player. I've had these paintings in my apartment(s) for the past couple of years. I can't imagine them not being up on my walls in my place. How would any of you feel if I came into your house or wherever and demanded you give me your stuff? You would not like it, would you?

    That's kind of how I've been feeling and it's been driving me batshit crazy. I want to just be able to tell her no but I know she's going to blow a fucking cow to Mars if I stand my ground and call me every fucking mean thing in the book, it's what she does when she doesn't get her way. I know she's just playing a mind game
    ...no wonder it's driving me insane.

    I've basically been going batshit crazy every time I talk to my mom, well not every time. But more often than not shall we say. I don't want to like cut off contact with her but I have limited contact with her somewhat these past few days just because, my mental health has required it. I'm also frustrated by the fact that she still talks to me as her daughter instead of her son. Well I know it's an adjustment for her you know me be in transitioning. She keeps saying stupid shit like I'm a man trapped in a woman's body: while technically true, it still comes across a bit as invalidating.

    Somebody told me the other day that do you know toxic people are jealous of those of us who have managed to grow and evolve and thrive past our traumatic history. These people, by these people I mean the narcissists and toxic individuals in our lives who try to bring us down with their gaslighting, psychological, spiritual, and sometimes even physical abuse. Those of us who have managed to survive and have learned to work through or at least live through our traumatic past have evolved to a point where we're stronger and harder mentally and psychologically.

    How this relates to my mother is the fact that she is stuck. She is stuck in the way of relying on other people to be a source for her happiness or relying on somebody else to maybe get her out of the healthcare facility that she's still lodged in. She met this guy in Texas, and everybody I've talked to has had the same skeptical Outlook as I have. It is highly unlikely that he is going to come up to Iowa where she is and take her back to Texas with him or move to Florida. It just seems very unlikely and while I want my mom to be happy with this guy, I just worry to a small extent. In night I get frustrated when 90% of the conversations I have with her on the phone are about this this guy. Like I just want to talk to my mom, not about this guy all the time. I'm posting this because I'm wondering if anybody has experienced anything similar and if so what did you do?
     
    #1 Thief King Bakura, Feb 7, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2020
  2. Mallow
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    Mallow Hot Cookie
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    I had a gaslighting, narcissist for a step-father. My mom wasn't far behind him, but in broad strokes, she wasn't nearly as bad. They took all my money from the time I was 17 until I was 24. I paid all their bills (my twin brother helped) while they bought only brand name products, saved for retirement, and bought expensive sports packages and shit. My step dad refused any help from the government even though he was disabled and my mom never worked because she was basically his servant/caretaker. That fucker managed to cheat on her too. He was a real dirtbag. He's dead now.

    I'd say this thing about the paintings is about control. My mom, when I left their house without warning them -- I practically ran away at 24 years old -- my mom wouldnt let me have some things that belonged to me. I think it made her feel like she was still the "boss". I refused to talk to my step dad.

    I'd say that your mom (I don't know the entire situation) is playing mind games without knowing it or at least the extent of it. She may freak out, but you're gonna have to establish boundaries with her by telling her no. If she freaks out, that'll suck, but with time she may come around and respect those boundaries. If she remains toxic, i would recommend limiting my contact. Toxic people -- even family -- need to be cut off sometimes for your own sake.

    As far as dating that guy goes or whatever, try redirecting the conversation. Being blunt might work too, just change the subject. My mom, since my stepdad died, has been "dating" up to 5 (or more) guys at a time to coerce them into paying rent and fixing up her car and house and shit. Considering the trauma she experienced from men cheating on her, it's baffling how she's capable of manipulating others the same. I honestly just told her, "Be safe. Don't get hurt. Otherwise I don't care what you do." Because I can't stop her, you know?

    I don't know if this diatribe is of any use, but I hope you can find some solace in the fact you aren't alone when dealing with toxic parents.

    Best of luck with setting boundaries, if you decide to go with that. Feel free to message me if you ever need to vent about this kind of thing.
     
  3. RuneBeau
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    RuneBeau Polyromantic Demisexual Trans Guy
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    I agree with Mallow about needing boundaries. I think you're gender identity needs to be part of those boundaries as well. Usually I feel trans people should try to be patient and give loved ones time to adjust, but having been in a situation with a narcissist during transition, you can't give them that chance to chip away at you by dismissing your identity.
     

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