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my life is a lie

Discussion in 'Gay' started by sk92, Apr 12, 2018.  |  Print Topic

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  1. sk92

    sk92 Lurker

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    Hi, First of all english is not my first language so sorry if i make any grammar mistakes.
    I am a 25 years old guy.I have been struggling for many years about coming out.Nobody know about my sexual condition and they can not even imagine that i am like this.i have been always very scared of people knowing how am i.I have friends,i love my family so much,i have a job,basically my life is apparently normal.I have had so many periods in my life in which i had many mood changes.So many times i felt very depressed and even i had suicidal thoughts.Of course nobody know this things as i have always known to keep my feelings for myself and dont share it with anyone.Moreover i am an extrovert person and like socializing very much.I have had girlfriends but nothing very serious.I just wanted to be like the other people without thinking of people judging me.But that change a couple of years ago.I decided not to cheat more to women because that made me feel a terrible person and felt very depressed and they dont deserve that.i am realizing that sooner or later my family and friends will begin asking me why i dont have a girlfriend.People think i am happy and i am gonna have a bright future.I dont think i am gonna have a good future because i think that if people know about me they are gonna treat me differently or just they are gonna reject me.I say that because thats how i see the society nowadays.I have listened so many times from part of my friends or even my family talking shit about how disgusting homosexuals are and another derogatory comments..I feel weird, i mean i know i am gay but i am not into this things of celebrating gay pride or go to lgtb pubs or like madonna or this type of stuff people think gay are.Even if i were out of the closet i would continue doing the same things i like to do now.I am not underestimating people who actually are like that.I just feel different like if i were between 2 worlds and nobody could understand how i feel.I dont know what to do.I have been thinking too much about my life this year and i dont know what to do.I was just thinking if there are more people in my situation or i am the only weirdo who dont know what to do with his life.
     
  2. AliceRhae
    Dreaming

    AliceRhae Today, choose joy.
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    Dear sk92,

    Thank you so much for your post. I see that you are a compassionate and considerate person, and are sensitive to other's feelings—they are special qualities to have. Maybe you could be that way to yourself. Be as kind to yourself as you are to your family and friends. Your fear is not weird, it's human. Without fear there couldn't be courage, and I know you have courage because you posted your deepest, most guarded secrets right here for me to read. :) 
     
  3. angel70
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    angel70 The Old Guy
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    It sounds like you live in a place that is less accepting of homosexuality than, say, the US or Western Europe -- and it's often not too easy to come out even where acceptance is greater. It's understandable that you'd stay in the closet when the consequences of coming out would be severe.

    The problem is that you're cutting yourself off from the kind of emotional bonds that can make life so much more satisfying. At some point, you may feel driven to create a separate life for yourself elsewhere, perhaps keeping the folks at home in the dark.

    Here's a line you can use to explain your lack of a girlfriend: "I'm just not good at relationships -- it wouldn't be fair to her." I don't know why it works, but it does.
     
    #3 angel70, Apr 12, 2018
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2018

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