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My gay friend came on to me and I need advice

Discussion in 'Gay' started by CoffeeAndCigarettes, Jun 1, 2018.  |  Print Topic

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  1. CoffeeAndCigarettes

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    This is going to be a long one, but stick with me, please, I really need an advice. I'm a straight gay-friendly guy and I have a gay friend, we're both 18. He's my classmate, and as I understand, he never wanted to come out, but it happened so that most of our classmates found out that he's gay.

    Most of them were not tolerant, especially guys. Jeering and mockery started. I was good friends with this guy already before he came out, so I stood up for him. The guys of our class were planning to beat him up after school. I didn’t allow it and threatened them with calling the police. I accompanied him to his home and every morning I waited for him at the front door of our school. I got into a fight to protect him when some idiot was trying to push me away to get to him. We started to sit together at the same desk. Because of my actions, other guys started to mock me as well, calling us boyfriends and other crap. I can be quite nasty when it's necessary so I can stand up for both of us. He has become very attached to me since. Probably he feels safe or something, I don’t know.

    And then, sometime later, he did what he did. One day after training we were late with showering, others were gone already and suddenly he hugged me, pulled me close to him and before I could say something, he started kissing me and fondling my penis. I was so surprised that my mind was kind of working in a slow motion and I pushed him away only after some while. Maybe he took my hesitation as an agreement, but I just was so shocked that I couldn't react immediately. I was angry. He knew I'm straight, I told him that a lot of times, what was he thinking? He started to apologize straight away, but I felt betrayed. I helped him out all this time and what is he doing?

    All this time I’m didn't judge him, I tried to understand, I tried to be a good friend. I protected him, I didn’t let our classmates beat him up, I didn’t let anyone speak badly of him. And this is his way of saying "thank you"? By trying to seduce me? Why should I respect his sexuality if he obviously doesn't respect mine? Now he's asking for forgiveness and he says he needs my friendship very much, but hello - why are you coming on to me then, knowing very well I'm straight. I’m starting to regret ever helping him.

    It's not that I just mentioned once about my being straight and he could forget it. No, we talked a lot about him being gay, I listened to him, I let him tell me everything he felt and everything that was bothering him AND I also told him about my relationships with girls and my feelings. It's not like I gave him mixed signs and he just decided to try his luck. When you know crystal clear that someone is straight, why would you still try to get close?
     
  2. mask1985
    WTF

    mask1985 Shy bi guy
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    Firstly I think it's great that you defended your friend like this, even putting yourself into harms way to do so. It was absolutely the right thing to do and not everyone would necessarily have done this.
    As for his actions whilst they were inappropriate he is possibly still distraught over being outed, maybe a little emotionally unsteady at the moment, and he clearly sees you as his defender, which he obviously appreciated, but overstepped the mark in a moment of weakness. I'm also sure that he regrets what he has done as it potentially has damaged your friendship.
    If I were in your shoes I wouldn't be too hard on him, but make it clear, politely but firmly that it mustn't happen again. Hopefully then you can both draw a line under the incident and move on.
     
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  3. Sir A.G
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    Best advice I have ever heard
     
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  4. Sir A.G
    Inpain

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    I don't like what you've said here. What this guy experienced was sexual harassment. He has stated that he was so shocked by it that he didn't know what to do, this is his friend after all. It can happen with anyone, even when a man advances on a woman. Just because they didn't stop it straight away it doesn't mean that they liked it.
     
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  5. Being.
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    True words.
     
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  6. CoffeeAndCigarettes

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    I wasn't aroused, I didn't even have the time to think about that. I was like "what the hell is going on?" at the moment.

    Most probably I won't end our friendship, I just feel really bad. Every time I see him, I remember how he touched and kissed me and that makes me feel bad. And besides....how can I be sure he won't try that again.
     
  7. Iwilldance

    Iwilldance I am not throwing away my shot
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    I think the right think would be to clearly state that it was not okay, you forgive him this time but if he does it again your friendship is done. Then you both know what will happen if he ever tries anything like it. You sound like a very good friend
     
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  8. AliceR
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    First of all, thank you so much for defending him. If only more people were like you, gay people wouldn't have to live in fear anymore.

    As for what he did, it was definitely NOT okay for him not to ask for your permission before kissing you and touching you.
    I'm not sure if it was really him breaking your trust more than him maybe growing feelings for you since you are probably the only person who is sticking up to him in his life.
    It is up to you to forgive him or not. Touching others sexually without their consent is never okay.

    It definitely sounds like he needs your help and friendship, though. And to be honest, it sounds like your friendship with him could be the difference between him being safe and him getting beaten up someday.

    If you want to remain friends with him, then find a quiet place to talk calmly about what happened. Explain to him why it was not okay, how it made you feel, and how it makes you feel now. Restate that you are straight and that it will not change. And tell him that if he is to be your friend, there will be no kissing, no touching, no fondling.

    The ball is in your court, I guess.
     
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  9. AliceR
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    AliceR Real Bisexual Unicorn
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    I disagree with you, and it is never okay to shame someone in his situation and make it sound like it was his fault.

    If he were a girl, I bet your reaction would be different.

    In no way did he say he was aroused by it or wanting it. He was kissed and touched against his will. That's never okay.
    Shaming him into thinking he did something to trigger it is not okay either...
    At no point was he asked if it was okay. At no point did he say "yes."
    Whether he was aroused or not is irrelevant. Men can't always control their bodies. It doesn't give us the right to touch them without asking.
    If he had been touched by a girl, my reaction would be the same: NOT OKAY.

    Honestly, your comment is rape culture at its best. I guess because he's a guy, he asked for it?
    I don't think so.
     
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    #9 AliceR, Jun 2, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2018
  10. CoffeeAndCigarettes

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    Ok, I think someone has misunderstood something. I didn't come here asking for someone to pity me or something. I just shared my situation, hoping that someone might advise me something (big thanks to those of you who did), as I don't know many gay people to ask for an advice in real life. If straight people are not welcome here, then it should be stated somewhere.
     
  11. AliceR
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    Yes, you're right, mistreating our straight allies sure is the right way to protect us all! Because it definitely won't turn the few who DO accept us against us.
    My mistake, I guess...
    --- Double Post Merged, Jun 2, 2018 ---
    Straight allies are welcome. Nothing you said was offensive, in my opinion.

    Thank you again for protecting your friend.
    I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive him. But of course that is up to you and how you feel.

    It is obvious he needs your friendship.
    It seems he got carried away.

    Once again, if all straight people were like you, we would no longer have to fear for our lives.
    We need straight allies to educate the straight haters.
     
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    #11 AliceR, Jun 2, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2018
  12. Spob
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    As nearly everyone said, you sound like a great friend, looking after someone being bullied.
    What he did was wrong and he should know it. I expect he grew feeling towards you but he needs to apologise for crossing that line.
    I hope you can remain friends.
     
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  13. Sir A.G
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    Straight allies are very welcome here! It just seems that Lady Skylar (who is a new member) has something against them. Don't let one bad apple represent the site as a whole, because most of us are glad to see a straight ally here :) 
     
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  14. Being.
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    You know who they remind me of?
    Michelle. *Shudders*
     
  15. Being.
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    Hey so, I just want comment on the actual topic or this thread.

    I'm not defending what he did in any way, It was wrong. But i think he just developed feelings for you cause you are close.

    I had a straight friend that I got close with once, that I started feeling for him.
    I asked him out. He declined.
    That's what should have happened.
    I'm sorry about what happened.
     
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  16. Sir A.G
    Inpain

    Sir A.G Transgender Guy
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    CoffeeAndCigarettes Do feel free to give us an update on the situation if you ever feel up to it, I wish the very best for you! :D 
     
    #16 Sir A.G, Jun 3, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2018
  17. Spob
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    I too would like to hear how it goes.
    And thanks again for joining us here.
    Good luck to your future.
     
    #17 Spob, Jun 3, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2018
  18. Diaenima
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    I think the posters before me have done more than I can regarding the substance of your original post and I agree wholeheartedly that your friend shouldn't have done what he did. This being said, can I also say thank you? Although it was a while ago for me now, I've been on the other end of the beatings and tauntings - not for my sexuality or gender identity admittedly - it was enough that I was 'different'. The sort of actions you took above are quite possibly the difference between your friend making it through high school with some hope and a future, and not having that future.

    Please, don't ever stop standing up for the rights and dignity of others. We need people like you, and even people you won't meet need people like you. I wish I had been fortunate enough to have had a friend like you back in my day, but your friend has you now. He's stuffed up, badly. But please don't let this be a reason to stop standing up for those who need it.

    Respect and regards C&G.
     
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  19. Yami Bakura
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    I'm always happy to meet more allies, especially here. Of course they are welcome. I apologize for that one person's ignorance. She has been banned because of her stupidity. I will not tolerate someone saying such hateful ass things. Regardless of what happened, sexual harassment is sexual harassment no matter who experiences it. I am really sorry that it happened to you and I hope that you are doing alright.

    I have been a victim of sexual assault in the past. It isn't something to take lightly. Regardless, you have friends here and we are here to support you. You seem like a nice person. Like your username BTW.
     
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  20. wazzbot
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    I haven't read all the replies yet so apologies if what I say has been covered already.

    Try to have patience and understanding. You've already shown a boatload of compassion for this guy. You've done absolutely the right thing by him, and by extension the entire rest of the LGBTQ+ community, for which I personally would like to thank you. You stuck your neck out for him, you risked your own social status and potentially physical status too.

    Let me be frank. If you did that for me, I would have very strong feelings for you. Those feelings may or may not have been sexual. But this is a very, very confusing time in life for him, as most posters on this forum will attest to. He may not understand why you stuck your neck out for him - maybe he thinks that you're as confused as he is, but in a different way. Maybe he just doesn't understand why you helped him when everyone else wants to throw him under a bus. Maybe he wants to express his gratitude for you and doesn't know how to communicate it. Maybe he's fallen in love with you and is totally overwhelmed by these feelings. These are all possible explanations, and a few more. What is clear from your post is that he is suffering and confused and not rationally making decisions or thinking clearly.

    I can also see that it's not easy for you, and that you feel betrayed, and that's totally understandable. There is also no onus on you to say 'hey that's ok'. Your feelings are just as legitimate as anyone elses'. But if you are calm and stable and rational - and it sounds like you are - then you have the opportunity to continue to do the right thing. Don't get me wrong, you'd be going over and above the call of duty - there's not many of us who at 17 were capable of making such difficult decisions and personal sacrifices - but in my opinion, the right thing to do here is offer forgiveness. That forgiveness needs to come with some firmness, i.e. telling him in no uncertain terms that nothing is ever going to happen, and that a repeat would be unacceptable, unforgivable, and the end of your friendship, but I would couch it in compassion and understanding. By coming this far you've demonstrated a high level of ability to empathize and be a good person. It seems clear you have the capacity to go further than you have done and tell him you get it.

    One day you two will laugh about this.
     
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