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my friend thinks they're trans ftm

Discussion in 'Transgender' started by Cyan13, Jun 17, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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This thread is being watched by 5 users.
  1. Cyan13

    Cyan13 shostakovich hates me
    Beloved Member

    Apr 26, 2017
    Planet Earth
    +244 / 0 / -2
    so my friend, we'll call them k, has recently started identifying as male. which is fine. they were nonbinary for a while, which was fine, and then genderfluid, which was also fine.
    however, they have set up a gofundme to raise money for gender reassignment surgery- after having identified as male for less than a month.
    i have no problem with them identifying as male. i don't care if they want to go by a different name and male pronouns, wear a binder, wear male clothes, pack, and/or cut their hair.
    but k has gone through a lot of shit- they've been hospitalised multiple times for anorexia, they self-harm, and they're father passed away. yes, i know u can have an eating disorder & be trans. i know u can self-harm (tho u shouldn't) & be trans. i know u can deal with tons of shit & be trans. it's not, in fact, uncommon.
    however, i also know k. i know how feminine they were as a kid (& i'm not saying that's making them not trans, as i, too, was a feminine kid), and i know they didn't start identifying as trans in any way until this year, and in fact didn't claim to have dysphoria until very recently. i also worry that their eating disorder, which they are very much struggling with, is influencing their identity. i know people & have heard of people who have gone thru similar things, & to those people, being trans seemed like an "easy" fix to their disorder. i think that's what's occurring with k.
    keep in mind that i know there's a possibility that they really are trans, & i'm ready to support them as much as possible if they are. but i don't want them to do anything irreversible & potentially harmful to their body and their mind if they're not, and at least not without considering any other contributing factors to how they are identifying. (btw- i'm using they'them pronouns for k bc at the moment, i'm not sure if they're using he/him yet.)
    i am not going to straight out say i don't think they're trans. that's not necessarily true. i don't know how they've felt &/or thought their entire life. what i am saying is that i'm worried they're not looking at the other shit that's going on in their life & trying to evaluate everything to make sure they're doing the right thing.
    i want to gently bring it up to them without making it seem like i'm unsupportive, but i don't know how to, or if i even should. honestly, i'm just really worried about them, especially since they've recently relapsed into self-harm and their anorexic habits.
    idk... thoughts? advice?
  2. Bornunderabadsign

    Bornunderabadsign Transfeminine Natural Disaster
    Moderator Beloved Member

    Oct 22, 2017
    Birmingham, AL
    +1,671 / 0 / -3
    There is so much at play here. Your friend has so much going on. He is probably trans. Often we don't even realize that that we are experiencing dysphoria until we figure out what that nameless uncomfortable feeling we feel isn't normal. I hope your friend figures things out and gets the self harming and his eating disorder under control.
  3. Lexi Gal

    Lexi Gal Hot Cookie

    Jun 17, 2019
    +49 / 0 / -0
    Just like the poster stated above your friend is going through a lot in his life. What he needs from you is support and from what you wrote in your post that is exactly what you are giving him.

    Now to determine if someone is Trans or not is something that goes much deeper than him cutting his hair, wearing boys clothing, or packing. It goes way deeper than that. For myself it was an inner feeling that with everything even at a young age I identified with girls even though my outer shell showed me as a boy. I also had to go to several years therapy just to talk about my feelings and how I felt throughout my transitioning process. It isn't something where you just set up a Gofund Me page for reassignment surgery. That is years down the road.
  4. Iwilldance

    Iwilldance Look! There's a girl dancing slowly in the shadow!
    Beloved Member

    Mar 13, 2018
    +286 / 0 / -0
    I know this feeling. I had a friend who is trans but who in the beginning really seemed to just try to run away from his problem. He is definetely a boy though, but in the begknning he was so desperately trying to me masculine that it really seemed like an act (i never told him I was in doubt though, he is my best friend and is passing permanently now)
    Anyway, I understand and it is a good concern bacause as Audry usually says, it is a very serious change if you are not truly dysphoric that will lead to real dysphoria.
    But I dont think that insisting on that is a good idea. If they truly are male then it is just hurtfull and will make them doubt your support. If they are not then it will make it harder to change their mind, because then it will be a I told you so situation.What about suggesting that they go to a gender therapist? That will help them rule it out themself?
    tagging AudryLeigh because i am by no means an expert
    #4 Iwilldance, Jun 19, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2019
  5. MysterIan

    MysterIan Open bisexual, closeted transboy

    Jul 20, 2019
    In a girl's body
    +5 / 0 / -0
    Considering how much gender experimentation has gone down in his past, I feel like he should wait a bit on doing anything permanent, as his identity seems very unstable at the moment.

    Support him in any way you can, but maybe suggest he should try living as a male for a bit longer before he settles on it being what he truly wants.

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