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My ex came out as bisexual

Discussion in 'Bisexual & Pansexual' started by Brontide, Feb 19, 2021.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Brontide

    Brontide Lurker

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    Hi all,
    Trying to keep things short. I'm a Westerner woman working abroad at an international company in a very religious country. I met this amazing man one day at a convention, he started opening up to me and I felt so much connection to him because we seemed so similar. I am not allowed to date or open up about my religious beliefs, etc. while in here and still I confessed him I'm an atheist when he told me he's one too. I told him secrets I have not shared with anyone and some months after becoming friends we began dating despite my job rules. I'm a very responsible person, but I had never felt anything like this for no one. We kept it secret from everyone else although it was difficult. He knew I was putting my job and prestige in the line for him. In this country it's even hard to find a hotel to stay and spend time together as a non-married couple so we faced a lot of struggles and challenges maybe he's used to but surely not me, as I'm from a very liberal country. To me all that was worth it because I felt really happy and understood by his side. We expressed our opinions and views many times about anything. I talked about my best friends, some of whom are gay. He met one of my lesbian friends. At a certain point I even said I'm not into women but I'm also not into many guys and I'd prefer being with some women over certain guys. We drank alcohol together too, which is not allowed here and so on. We went on a romantic weekend out and the next day he broke up with me saying he had talked to his exgf and they were back together. That he "loves me but loves her more". I didn't believe him totally but ok. Whenever we talked later it felt like he was the victim although he was the one who dumped me. I decided to cut ties with him because I felt used and betrayed and his behavior had triggered my depression.
    Now, months later, he has came out to me as bisexual. He explained he had bfs before and said he had been a horrible person to me but that he is a coward and couldn't tell me, but he regrets. For his words I can tell he thinks I'd find it disgusting and would break up with him or something when I don't mind a bit...as long as he's faithful. I understand it was difficult for him to tell me. In his country that means prison or even death, who knows. I understood then why it felt he was a victim in all this. I understand all that, but considering I trusted him so much and showed I'm open-minded, I feel angry and hurt. There was no need for him to say he "loves her more", he could have used a better and less hurting reason to break up than the gf thing. I also don't get why he dated me if he was to assume things and don't trust me. He knew I'm very sensitive and haven't been with anyone for years because of my baggage too so was there any need for him to behave like that? I haven't replied to his email and honestly I think I shouldn't because it enworsens my depression and things are hard enough during this pandemic. At the same time I don't want him to think I'm not accepting. I'm wondering what opinion or advise you'd give me and how angry you think I have the right to be. A part of me wants to keep cutting ties like until now but at the same time I know he probably has experienced a lot in a country like that, has traumas and a low opinion of himself so I can't avoid having second thoughts. Thanks in advance.
     
  2. Tzap

    Tzap Reliable Advisor
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    Hello and welcome to the forum.

    You feel betrayed/untrusted, you was given a crappy reason for your relationship to end, your upset totally understandable.
    He feels ashamed/dirty, he comes from a place where his actions and loves could end him in prison or beaten or dead.

    Yes your feelings of betrayal are real but think about his state of mind.

    I don't know the backgrounds and so I wouldn't want to give bad advice so I will just say that his excuse to break up is one I have used (ish), its meant to be an easy let down and is easy to say if the relationship is too overwhelming, which happens for a closeted person. Be his friend if you can, it might just help you too.

    Good luck hope I helped some.
    Stay safe
     
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  3. Jo A
    Innocent

    Jo A ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    First - welcome to a safe and wonderful place, where we listen and do not judge.

    Second - Long soft hug to a wonderful person, with a whisper of loving support.

    The fact you were willing to share yourself with someone is wonderful and the hurt and pain has to be so deep but know that pain is because you were willing to open you heart and soul.

    Give yourself time to heal but please know there is a person who is looking and deserves you love.

    I am so sorry you got hurt and wish I could do more but offer you loving support .
     
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  4. Brontide

    Brontide Lurker

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    Thank you so much to both of you for your kind replies. Sorry I took so long to reply but I wanted to do it with updates.
    Tzap, indeed he used the word "ashamed" on his email and I hadn't realised he meant "dirty" until I read your reply. Thank so much for making me understand.
    Jo A, your words made me cry. I needed a kind soul like yours so I feel so grateful!

    After reading your replies I realised my hurt was not just towards him but especially towards me for not knowing what he was going through and to the world and people who makes him feel so worthless. That same day I recovered my senses, replied him back and finally today we talked about it for 5 whole and wholesome hours. I tried to make him feel accepted and worthy as much as possible, and I will try to keep doing so. In his mind what he did is so horrible he was sure I'd hate him. Instead I told him I am still in love with him so we plan to meet very soon and maybe give it a second try. We'll see. We also talked about him leaving his country for one where he can feel accepted. Whether we leave together or not is yet to decide but, no matter what, I'll help him to move to my continent as much as I can.
    Thank you again for your help, whoever and wherever you are. I send you all my love.

    Eternally grateful, Brontide.
     

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