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My boyfriend is striaght in public

Discussion in 'Gay' started by Charlotte_Monroe, Apr 29, 2018.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Charlotte_Monroe
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    Charlotte_Monroe Greenhorn
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    Hi all,

    Morgan here, bit puzzled really, me & my boyfriend are really happy together, but yet once we go out in public/into town etc, he refuses to hold my hand, he says it's because he's worried about what people may say/think or even not say/think.

    I've repeatedly asked him, but I'm worried as i dont want to upset him or be to needy at him, can anyone offer advice?

    We're both openly gay, his & my family know we're gay, as do friends/colleagues etc.

    I'm 22 & he's 36.... it's annoying because I really want to hold his hand, but i can understand i can't force him to do it.

    We're going up to Swansea tomorrow for the day out, I asked, but he still said 'no' to holding my hand.

    But we talked about Cardiff PRIDE & he mentioned about holding my hand, I dont see the difference at all tbh.

    Thank you everyone,

    Morgan xxx
     
  2. Being.
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    Being. "If every step up didnt have a down"
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    At least you have a boyfriend
     
  3. mask1985
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    mask1985 Shy bi guy
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    I sympathise totally with you on this and it is a frustrating situation. I can understand if he fears any physical attacks but as for what people might think but not say, well nobody can do anything about that. I think he is being overly cautious as I am not aware of any blatant excessive homophobia in Wales. I would say talk a bit more to him about it and say that it would mean a lot to you if he would do this. If he still puts strangers opinions, whether real or imagined, ahead of someone he loves then I would start to think about whether I wanted to continue a relationship. You need to weigh up how big of a deal it is compared to the positives you have with him. :) 
     
  4. Charlotte_Monroe
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    Charlotte_Monroe Greenhorn
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    I have asked him (Stuart) several times, I just dont want to upset him at all y'know.

    It's not overly that big of a deal, but it certainly would be lovely, we went up to Swansea today on the train & I linked/held his arm, but he still wouldn't hold my hand.

    It's not a relationship ender, not at all, NEVER would be, I just can't understand it myself, not coming from Carmarthen originally, being from a place when everyone is so open (Southampton)

    It's just something I wanted to get off my chest, thank you so much for taking the time to respond :) 
     
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  5. mask1985
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    mask1985 Shy bi guy
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    That's cool, I hope maybe sometime he gets a bit bolder and surprises you.
     
  6. Spob
    Apelike

    Spob Expert Homosexual
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    Well my boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years, and we rarely walk and hold hands. I have been harassed whilst doing so in the past and don’t want to again.

    If I feel comfortable, I will kiss him when I want and hold him where I want. I always know if I am comfortable or not, like in a store or restaurant.

    I’ve had my fair share of attacks.
    I wouldn’t say it’s worth it. I love him and he loves me. I can do without abuse.

    I would say if he is uncomfortable then leave it for now. In my opinion, better to not have a horrible encounter ruin what can be a great lifetime.
     
  7. AliceR
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    AliceR Reliable Contributor
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    I hate that we live in this kind of world! Where you have to worry about things like that. :-(

    I think to him the difference is that at Pride, he is with his community where he feels safe. If anything happens, there will be plenty of people around like a pack.

    When you're at the supermarket or walking down the street, he probably doesn't feel safe doing something that could attract the nutcases and put you both in danger.

    If he wants to hold your hand at Pride, it's definitely that he probably wants to do it all the time but is worried about the consequences.

    I would just settle for Pride for now and see how that goes. His reluctance definitely has nothing to do with his love for you.
    When he says he's worried about what people will say/think, it doesn't mean he's worried about their opinion or that he's ashamed of being with you, but probably that he doesn't want to have a beautiful day with you ruined by some asshat. He just wants to enjoy time with you free of nasty comments by idiots down the street.
    It's a saddening reality to have to live with.

    Enjoy your time at Pride though and when you're there, hold his hand and kiss him and hug him and have fun. :) 
     
  8. angel70
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    angel70 The Old Guy
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    Life for the queer community has changed so rapidly that the difference in your ages means there were significant differences in your formative experiences. If you were his age, you might be just as uncomfortable about public displays. Of course, there are plenty of straight men who also are uncomfortable displaying affection in public with their girlfriends, so I don't see why a gay man couldn't feel the same way.

    What may be bothering you is the feeling that, somehow, he is ashamed to be seen in public as your partner -- but if you think it through, you can see that can't be the case if you're both open with friends and family. You know he loves you, and that's what's most important.
     
  9. Charlotte_Monroe
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    Charlotte_Monroe Greenhorn
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    I completly understand, I Do get the occsional kiss/hug etc, which is wonderful, it'd just mean a hell of a lot to me, but I know not to push him into doing something that'll make him uncomfortable.

    Cheers for your input btw :) 
    --- Double Post Merged, May 2, 2018 ---
    Hey Alice,

    I really appriciate the positive comments, I do think that's it really, maybe there'll be a time where he would do it.

    But I haven mentioned to him about npt caring about others opinions, but maybe I'm wired differently, as i couldn't give a f**k what people think about me y'know.

    Thank you so much ^_^
     
    #9 Charlotte_Monroe, May 2, 2018
    Last edited: May 2, 2018
  10. Charlotte_Monroe
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    Charlotte_Monroe Greenhorn
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    Angel, I really respect your answer tbh, it's just maybe one day he'll do it, but it wouldn't really bother me if it never happened....

    But it does mean alot to me, he just says the people in our town are "old fashioned" - im just struggling to get my head around it - that they are stuck in their ways.

    So maybe one day I'm hoping it'll happen.

    so just need to find out when cardiff pride is, then go up there & have an absolute blast
     
  11. Sir A.G
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    Sir A.G Transgender Guy
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    I'd be a bit scared too if I had a boyfriend. I'm always scared of other people's reactions. They could hurt me if they knew I was LGBT. A lot of LGBT people and even supporters get hurt just for showing their pride/support.
     
  12. Oscar Abrica

    Oscar Abrica Greenhorn

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    I can be your boyfriend :D  lol
     
  13. Sean666

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    I think you have to try and understand older gay guys . It’s not about how he feels about you or your relationship. but for him it’s about how being in a gay relationship is for him. He like me, being older, it’s how it was done, no displays of affection at all and so for us it has become natural and normal, though it should not be. You need to retrain his brain, take him to hang out at gay outdoor streets/venue/areas etc, places that expressions of gay affection is completely normal and common place.
     

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