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Mom Found New Social Media

Discussion in 'For Parents or Guardians of LGBT+ Children' started by CaseyKazoo, Nov 18, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. CaseyKazoo
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    CaseyKazoo Lurker

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    Hello again! So nothing special this time but a couple weeks ago I made a new social media account with my preferred name as the name (Casey) and I've told her before that it is a name I like and that I might eventually change my name but at the same time I didn't want to because I didn't want to hurt her feelings since the name "Chloe" is the name she chose for me. I just don't feel like a Chloe, it feels too feminine for me, I like Casey because it is a name that can be used for any gender or none. Anyway she found my account and idk what to do.. I also know that my dad hates the idea of me changing my name because years ago I asked him what he would do if I changed my name and he said,"You aren't changing your name." When I also told him that I started binding, he seemed uncomfortable.. I really don't know what to do, but on the bright side I came out to my mom and she still loves me which is good, she just is trying to understand stuff since it was different when she was my age. Anyway, I am kinda freaked out on what to do.

    ~Casey
     
  2. ConfusedButHappy
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    I usually avoid gender-related questions because I don't feel informed enough and I'm cis... buuuuuttttt

    I've always found naming situations like this interesting though. I think parents put a lot of thought into naming a child (usually) and it means a lot to them, which explains their response when their child "rejects" the name. I can also understand the flip side though, a name can have a massive impact on a person. Having a name that doesn't quite fit must suck.

    Would you be willing to find a middle-ground with your parents and keep Chloe as a 2nd name? I know having multiple names isn't as common everywhere as it is over here, but it could be a nice alternative. You can tell your parents you want to keep Chloe as part of your name because it means a lot to them, but you prefer your main identifying name to fit your gender identity.

    I don't know if it's a silly suggestion but thought it was worth commenting :p 
    My 2nd name is a family name, and even though I don't identify with the name at all, it feels cool to "carry" a part of my family with me!

    Good luck! <3
     
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  3. Thespis
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    Thespis Blithe Spirit
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    Hi Casey,

    As I am cis, I may not be the best person to offer advice, but FWIW I don't think you need to do anything. Your mom already knows that you wish to be known as Casey, so it should be no surprise that you are identifying with that name on social media. Why should she expect you to carry on calling yourself Chloe when you no longer identify as female?

    It's your life and your show, and if your parents have any common sense they will get with the program, or at the very least not stand in the way of your happiness. It's going to happen whether they like it or not.
     
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  4. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    What the posters above me said. As a parent of course I put a lot of thought into my kid's name and it has special meaning to me but if I had to decide between the name and a happy child (which I won't since it's not my choice to make to begin with) there would be no hesitation.
    To be honest though, I don't think the name is the real problem. Your mother is having trouble accepting the "new" you, and she probably feels that when the name goes, so does her daughter and she's probably right, but she's fearing for the wrong reasons...
     
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  5. Thief King Bakura
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    Thief King Bakura I solenmly swear I am Up to no good.
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    Trans guy here and I can relate to where you're coming from. Of course I went behind my parents back and changed my name. It was a few years ago and i went down to the courthouse to petition my name change. Honestly, it's one of the best things I've done for myself. The name change became legal a few months later in April of 2017. My dead name was officially dead. But it wasn't dead to other people.


    When my father found out, he had a cow. Like he freaked the fuck out, saying I was divorcing the family name and shit like that. No, that wasn't it. I understand that he was coming from a place of helping pick out my birth name and my mother was the one that settled on a name after a town in Texas. She said stuff like, "you should have talked to me before changing your name." And crap like that. I understand where they are coming from, they gave me this name but yet I rejected it.

    The flip side of the coin is this dead name was associated with past trauma and bullshit of my past. Going around with my dead name felt like a chain around my neck, a death sentence to who I was, and changing my name has given me the freedom to embrace who I am and explore a different side of me I wasn't able to before.

    After changing my name, I discovered I was LGBT, thought I was a lesbian at first (was assigned female at birth) and would have been fine with that. Then, I began questioning my gender, thought I was non-binary for awhile, and I would have been ok with that too. Then one day a light switch flipped in my brain and a single thought entered, "I am a man." From that point onward, female identifying terms used toward my person felt like barbed wire. Dysphoria came into play more, was always there but even moreso now that I realized I'm transgender. Father wasn't exactly sure what to do, mother refused to address me as her son, and kept deadnaming me and misgendering me. I understand that it is was hard for her to grasp that she had given birth to a girl who was actually a boy born in the wrong body. My father now is kind of accepting sort of, but toxic stuff happened long before my transition and I don't talk to my mother or father much. Not going to get into it here.

    Long story short, it may take some time for your parents to grasp the concept that you're different from what they thought you were born as. Does that make sense? They thought they gave birth to a girl but you're questioning yourself which might be a little out of their realm of comprehension. With time, they may come around and I pray to Ra that they do. I also understand your frustrations as I felt them myself at one point in time. It will take time for your parents, family members, and friends to get used to you being somebody else. But you are still you at the end of the day and, eventually they will realize that.

    I know it's hard but the best advice I can give you right now is to have Patience. That doesn't excuse what they are doing but it allows them the time they need to process the changes occuring. Give them time, they hopefully will come around. I'm sorry if this isn't helpful right now and I understand the frustration of wanting to be addressed by the name and pronouns that feel right to you. Understand that it will take time for people to come around. Take it one day at a time, find support groups or an outlet where you can be Casey without any limitations and that would give you something to look forward to while dealing with the frustrations of being addressed by a name and pronouns that don't feel correct. Again, probably not the best advice but it's all I can offer right now. Hope this helpe somewhat.
     
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  6. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    Thief King Bakura What a great post. Informative, personal and compassionate. Loved reading it; thanks for sharing.
     
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