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Mixed signals, dating advice, I don't know anymore.

Discussion in 'Questioning & General LGBT' started by Anon88, Sep 18, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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This thread is being watched by 4 users.
  1. Anon88

    Anon88 Lurker

    Sep 18, 2019
    +0 / 0 / -0
    Hello everyone,

    I am writing here as a last resort. I am terribly confused and lonely and it's affecting my life greatly. I am a 31 year old male and currently not out to anyone (please do not argue this, i have two very very good reasons why coming out will just make things worse for me). I have had the worst time trying to find a mate, as a matter of fact I have only been in one 5 year abusive relationship and I'm happy to have left it about 5 years ago.

    Anyway on to my point, I met this guy about 2 months ago, which happens to be my neighbor. We both have dogs, and one day he approached me and started talking. After that we have been runnning into each other I guess "accidentally"? almost everyday. Every time we see each other, we talk for a while and ever since Ive grown more and more attracted to him.

    The problem is, I don't know if he's straight, gay, bi or what. I have observed that most of the time when we talk, his feet are always pointing towards me, his body language seems like he's interested in me and he often mirrors my body language too. More so he did ask me first for my phone number, then my Facebook days later and eventually my Instagram. He has messaged me often, and even shared funny cartoons just to start a conversation I think. Now things have grown to the point where sometimes he messages me first, I message him first other days etc. We also have gone to the park together with our dogs, spent some time in my place and one night we even watched YouTube comedies together in my couch (nothing happened), and a few other things like going out to eat etc. We do talk almost every day and he seems responsive most of the time.

    Here's the thing... Theres been a few unfortunate times for me when he has brought up his ex in conversations and he refers to it as "she". Damn I just dread thinking about it. Anyway, this is bringing a lot of confusion to me and it makes me question what is it that we have going on?? Can a simple friendship take on this form and I'm just twisting things up out of proportion? But I mean what kind of straight guy is just randomly interested in another guy like that? I know that he doesn't have much problem with gay people and has even gone to a pride festival before because he was accompanying his gay friend (right after that, he said I went but I'm not gay).

    I've continued to play along with it and tried to be a little bit flirty but cautious. I've texted him a few times, things like "how was your day?" not to mention he did text me this first only once before. Also I have lightly brushed against his arms or fingers and stuff like that "by accident" and I haven't seen any kind of disturbance on his part. I have observed that in some days his texts can be pretty short (I'm just assuming he's busy or tired but idk).

    What really worries me is that there are some days where he just brings up his ex and stuff. As of today I texted him first and I purposely asked him how his day was (just to see what kind of reaction I get this time) and he did respond positively until the last text that said: F******k has just released a dating feature, better test it hahaha.

    WHAT THE F...?? What does he mean by that?

    I don't want to say anything or ask him about his sexuality at this point because he invited me to an event for his birthday (just us two) and we already have it all planned out and paid for. If he turns out straight and I come out to him it might ruin everything.

    Finally some naughty details that I think I should share because it might have also played a role, but if you are sensitive to this please skip to the next paragraph. The day that he approached me for the first time, i remember I was wearing some shorts and I had a pretty big accidental hard on, it showed and I am almost sure he saw it too; wink wink... The second time weeks later, I think I noticed he had a hard on when we were at the park but it was dark.

    Really guys I feel like I'm chasing my tail I don't know anymore. I need someone to help me decide what to do or what is going on here. Please take a moment to write to me and help me out, I need help. I can't go on failing and getting hurt any longer.

    Love yall.
  2. angel70

    angel70 The Old Guy
    Beloved Member

    Apr 9, 2016
    +5,080 / 1 / -36
    Gay guys do have ex-wives, you know. It's not uncommon for a gay guy to try very hard to live a straight lifestyle: it just seems so much easier (until it isn't.) As you might imagine, most of those marriages end in divorce.

    Your neighbor has cultivated your friendship and gone out of his way to assure you that he's gay-friendly (hence the reference to the pride parade.) My guess is that you set off his gaydar -- but he's just not sure, so he's waiting for you to signal more encouragement. In the meanwhile, you're so used to keeping your closet door tightly shut, you've probably missed some clear signals -- and probably respond with a little "defensive homophobia" if you start feeling a little uncomfortable. He backs off, possibly with a reference to his "heterosexual history" with his ex.

    I'd say the ball's in your court.
  3. BiBiLife

    BiBiLife Whatsername
    Beloved Member

    Jan 26, 2019
    Where the shadows run from themselves
    +2,175 / 2 / -5
    Many gay people were in opposite-sex relationships before discovering their sexuality. It's also possible that he is bisexual or pansexual, and thus likes women as well as men.
  4. Anon88

    Anon88 Lurker

    Sep 18, 2019
    +0 / 0 / -0
    Thank you for replying to my thread, I really appreciate it all of your insight.

    I am willing to change my behavior if i ever came off as homophobic to him, it was never my intention to do this. What are some things I can do to become more approachable to him? What do I need to look out for? If he needs encouragement from me, I really want to learn how to provide that.

    Today, Ive been thinking about his last reply all day for a few reasons. So last night, I decided to open up a dating account from the site he mentioned *just to see* if I could end up finding his profile if he had one, usually by putting his age etc. But unfortunately that app doesn't work like that, it will not suggest your F******k friends UNLESS (and here's another thing that has me thinking) I add him to my secret crush list. Apparently if I add him and he adds me to his list we'll be matched and we'll get a notification.

    So my thoughts are, could he have made this comment as a subtle message to me saying "I'm not gay dude but you should try dating on this app and find someone" or could it be a way to end up using the crush feature and coming out to each other?

    He's a very smart and observant guy. I'm scared do death about all of this. What should I do, what do you think about risking it and adding him to the list?

    Thanks yall
    love you
  5. Thespis

    Thespis Blithe Spirit
    Former Staff Supporter Beloved Member

    Dec 1, 2018
    East Anglia, UK
    +2,167 / 0 / -9
    Hi Anon88. The likely options:

    1. He's straight, not remotely homophobic and sufficiently confident in his own sexuality to have a close, relaxed, almost intimate friendship with a guy who's fun to hang out with. Also he has ZERO gaydar! Obviously this is not your preferred scenario, but it has one positive aspect: he sounds like a pretty chilled guy to me; if you were to indicate to him that you fancied him, I think he'd be cool enough to let you down gently and not let it make things awkward between you.

    2. He's bisexual but thinks he's straight or hasn't yet accepted he's bi. He might have a bit of gaydar going on or he might not (many bi guys haven't). Your 'signals' have been so ultra-subtle he has no idea you're even interested. You need to be more direct before he'll get the message.

    3. He's gay, likes you but doesn't know for sure whether or not you are and doesn't want to make things awkward by showing his hand. Again, I think you need to be a bit bolder. Let him know you're interested! Compliment him on his appearance. Hell, say something gloriously unambiguous one night while watching a movie/sports thing on TV: comment on how gorgeous one of the guys onscreen is; say "We two get along so well ...it's such a shame you're not gay."

    You've only got one life, man. If you don't ask, you don't get. ;) 
    #5 Thespis, Sep 19, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2019
  6. Anon88

    Anon88 Lurker

    Sep 18, 2019
    +0 / 0 / -0
    Thank you for your ideas, I'm not sure if I should just abruptly start saying these kinds of things but I do agree with you on being more bold, or maybe complimenting him and possibly telling him he looks handsome at some point. The first time that he brought up his ex, he said that she got a new boyfriend and that he was a doctor and what not. Then he jokingly said, yeah I'm not gay but I would totally marry that dude (referring to his pay and looks). I don't know if this was a missed signal from his part or what.

    Bottom line, I want him. I know many guys have struggled the same way and I would like to hear some advice. At this point I'm sort of torn, my performance at work was not the best today and I'm starting to lose focus. Ultimately I just cannot stop thinking about him or stop starring at my phone. What advice can yall give me to cope with this whole situation?

    Thank you all, I've never had any kind of support in my life about topics like these.

    Have a great day
    Love yall
  7. Pixie Poodle

    Pixie Poodle Pixie
    Beloved Member

    Jul 10, 2019
    +188 / 0 / -1
    Okay. Your very first paragraph, you introduced yourself a little bit; you built a box, climbed in it, then closed and nailed it shut. After that you asked for advice about this guy you might have the hots for, but insisted you couldn't come out of the box.
    Here goes, I'll try and follow the rules but would like to ask a question to help understand you.
    PLEASE FORGIVE this next personal invasion. I will try and give meaningful context.
    The relationship that lasted 5 years and also ended 5 years ago... that was with a guy right? When during that 5yr time, did it become abusive? After 1 month, 1 year? .. and was this a relationship that involved beating, emotional abuse, both?
    Are you currently hiding from anyone? Are you in Witness Protection?
    Okay, I'll admit that last was me trying to lighten this up again.

    The point is that you give your past a quickie description. One that could hold deep and scarring circumstances OR one that was meaningful in a life lesson sort of way that you are the stronger for, and are just glad it is over, happy to move on.
    I'm worried for you kiddo. If enough of your identity, attitude, and confidence is tied up in that 5 year period from over 5 years ago it makes it harder to dash off into the "I think I like him but does he like me" territory.
    Share if it will help. This place is great for that. I won't dwell no mo.

    So many things are understandable. You are neighbors. If everything isn't perfect (DARK MIRROR: If everything becomes AWKWARD) You will still be neighbors.
    You don't want to be OUTED in your neighborhood. Does that mean you will be outed at work too?
    What is the atmosphere like in your neck of the woods for LGBTQ?
    If this guy is as gay as you are and likes you like you like him... what could possibly happen in a good way from this point on?
    How would that affect your life in your neighborhood, amongst your friends, and your life at work. Hopefully you have a clue about that because we sure don't.

    Once upon a time guys hung out without the mumbling undertone, "Wait! Are they gay?"
    Bert and Ernie, Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble, Holmes and Watson, Lance Armstrong and Matthew McConaughey, Chandler Bing and Joey. Laurel and Hardy.

    Apparently it has only been two months since you met your neighbor. It may be a long time on the dating scene but for friendship it is just the beginning. Are you good friends material for each other even if you never kiss?

    That dating site seems an irreversible step where I thought you were looking for reversible steps.
    IF so, is the THE BIG QUESTION... How do you let someone know you are gay if you really need them to believe you are not gay after that?

    I even looked it up on the Internet where the answer to everything exists without great luck.
    1. Carry around a gay book that is also just a good book. If you like science fiction then maybe:
    "Paul Takes The Form of a Mortal Girl" by Andrea Lawlor.
    2. Say something profound but ambiguous.
    ----------- I used to think I was straight. I used to think I was gay. Now I know I'm just fucked up.

    I don't know what is a good answer, so maybe someone else here has that perfect sentence.

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