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Trigger Warning! Mental health check in

Discussion in 'Health - Physical/Mental' started by Bornunderabadsign, Jan 27, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Butterfly88
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    Butterfly88 Has fallen 87 times and stood up 88
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    I'm so sorry to hear this. I don't know any of the details obviously but perhaps seeing a therapist would be helpful? I know I've had therapists help me fix a few things when they seemed to be falling apart. Hugs!
     
  2. Edge
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    My Moods are in constant flux throughout the day but for right now I seem to be OK. I try to hold onto the good feelings while they last.
     
  3. Jayme82
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    Jayme82 The Legend of LGBT
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    Whynot I'm sorry your life fell apart I'm I don't know exactly what happened but if you need someone to talk about it with I'm here
     
  4. Butterfly88
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    I haven't been feeling great, kind of depressed. I just started with a new therapist, so far she seems nice and hopefully she will be helpful. I was actually supposed to temporarily be going to a mental health day program virtually but apparently I don't qualify, which is a shame because I feel I could use more support.
     
  5. AriInWonderland

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    I'm really not doing the best. I've been dysphoric lately and I don't have access to any femme clothes and barely any makeup anymore. I've just felt so numb recently, I can't wait for this lockdown to end and to be able to go and talk to people again but I'm afraid that won't happen for a while.
    I'm not sure if things will be the same again, or if people will treat going outside like they did. I just miss being able to chat with people, and I miss having friends. I just moved so I have, like, no IRL friends and it feels really bad.
    I'm sure we're all be doing better soon! I just wish that "soon" would go ahead and happen >.>
     
  6. Lv4music

    Lv4music Well-Known Contributor
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    Isolation leads to more isolation. Fuck my life. It seems like I can only function semi- happily when I'm alone. I've been isolated and gaslighted for so long, I forget how to trust my instincts. Maybe my words won't make sense to anyone right now. I don't know. I try not to talk to people when I'm in a negative mood ( try). I usually just white-knuckle it . I give off better vibes that way. I don't repel people as much when I do that. I can stay happy and stable longer. I keep forgetting that people don't really mean what they say. Not the people in my life. Fuck it. Isolation leads to isolation. I wish I had never went to counseling. That shit fucks you up when it's how you're taught to socialize from birth. I have to always be at the top of my game or alone. Again fuck it.. I can't find the right words.

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    #66 Lv4music, Sep 6, 2020
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2020
  7. Jayme82
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    Jayme82 The Legend of LGBT
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    Lv4music hey PM me and let's talk about what's going on tbh I'm worried about you right now hopefully I can help I've been through a lot of shit in my life myself
     
  8. AriInWonderland

    AriInWonderland Greenhorn

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    I feel the same way, you're definitely making sense. I miss people, I miss spending time with people, but whenever I try I feel so dypshoric. I just wish I could've been born a girl, but I know that I'll never be cis. I feel like such a bad person, especially when I leave my friends. I'm afraid I'll always be like this
     
  9. Lv4music

    Lv4music Well-Known Contributor
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    Try not to feel like you're a bad person. I don't know you ,but I'm betting you're probably a better person than the people you are around. From what I've experienced.... That's what makes a good person feel bad. When you spend too much time around people that don't accept you for who you are, you end up feeling bad about yourself because of other people's ignorance and lack of acceptance. Try to stop seeing yourself through other people's eyes.

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    #69 Lv4music, Sep 6, 2020
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2020
  10. AriInWonderland

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    Aww, this is such a nice response <3
    I hope you're feeling better than earlier, if you ever need someone to talk (even just for a fun chat ^^) to feel free to DM me
     
  11. Lou84
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    Lou84 Hot Cookie
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    Hope your ok, my mental health is very up and down and to be honest my relationship doesn't help it at all, I over think but I have BPD so its not surprising but I cope better than people might think and most people don't even know I have BPD but I hope your all well xx
     
  12. Edge
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    That's really well said. That makes total sense to me and I feel the same tbh..
    I've isolated myself for such a long time that I've totally forgotten how to socialize like I use to with people. Back then I could talk to any one and I usually did too. I made a good amount of friends and acquaintances, it seemed natural and easy for me. Even managed to have a few relationships too. Then one day it just stopped completely. Some thing inside me changed. It's like that person I use to be suddenly died without warning and now all that is left is me. Just the thought of talking to some one I don't know or attempts at making casual conversation with someone gives me massive amounts of anxiety. I will just freeze and not be sure what to do or say so I'll just escape the situation.
     
  13. Lv4music

    Lv4music Well-Known Contributor
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    Thanks. I was struggling with my words last night. I'm glad it made sense to you.
    I know the event that triggered the social change in me. It doesn't make it any easier.
    I think my healthiest and most rewarding relationships (in person) are the interactions I have with cashiers at the grocery store.( Sarcastic but true ) . It makes me feel good to have that successful interaction with another human being face to face without anxiety. Sometimes that's the highlight of my day.

    Sent from my S48c using Tapatalk
     
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  14. Edge
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    I remember the year I started to change but not sure if there was a specific event that truly triggered the start of it. Would be nice to know, cause then maybe I could possibly work on a fix for things, but I guess that's why I goto therapy? lol

    I have good very casual superficial interactions with most people in person, any thing beyond that and I start to get really nervous and insecure..
     
  15. Lv4music

    Lv4music Well-Known Contributor
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    If you have insurance, you could go in for an EEG. That's how I found out I have seizure activity. I'm not aware of them when they happen. They are focal seizures in a small part of my brain. They alter my perception of my environment. They make me feel kinda confused and anxious. I can't take the meds that would work best for me, cuz I'm allergic to it.
    Just thought I'd mention it if you're curious what caused the change in you , I thought that may be something to look into.

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  16. Edge
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    I don't think I need a EEG. The majority of my current issues stem from my Borderline Disorder and C-PTSD and those were due to how I was raised as a child. And from what I've discovered I've had those disorder since I was in my teens,they just were not as bad as they seem to be now, cause like I said before my social life was pretty healthy and life in general was OK. Maybe as you get older they get worse and more developed? I dunno..
     
  17. consumedbymydeamons

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  18. consumedbymydeamons

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    hi, new here. (gees,my brain is a mess right now)(this is going to be long, please forgive me)
    i have been struggling for a very very VERY long while now. i struggled through hs and ended up dropping out. i have never amounted to anything. got into some trouble in my teens. nothing substantial, but enough that i spent some time "up the road" as some would say. it was an experience i wouldn't want again. but i suppose i survived it. never was any good socially, although i've had some friends along the way, few as they were. still stands the same though, friends are few and good ones are even more rare. i am extremely grateful for those who have stayed. and those who have not, ok, thank you for trying anyway. i understand, nobody wants those depression cooties. it's ok. i've had relatively few relationships. i got married in my early 20's. it was a relationship that should never should have happened to begin with. things have always been more or less rocky . . . always. we were together for 20 years (and technically still are). things just slid downhill the whole way through. about 2/3 of the way through it slid much more. we tried to make things work but there was no fixing it. near the end, we were just two people in the same house with two kids. i love them more than anything in the world. but even that has had it's storms. i have always tried to be as good of a father as i could. i feel that a lot of the problems between the kids and i were intensified by problems between the wife and i. im not blaming everything on her. by that time id already been dealing with a great many deamons, which only grew stronger and stronger every passing day. strong, determined, and relentless they were. and so very much more they are to this day. several times they have almost won. how i have not lost yet, i do not know. i have tried several times to just end it all. i could not take it anymore. but just like the rest of my life, it only ended up being yet another failure. i couldn't even do that right. and to prove that true, it wasn't just once. it was several times. every time it only ended up just like the previous try. . . FAILURE . . . JUST LIKE MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE . . . A COMPLETE AND UDDER FAILURE!!!
    well, guess what, nothing has changed, still a failure. never had a job worth anything. never have been good at anything. except of course screwing things up. that's the ONLY thing i get right, messing things up. still. for so long now i don't even know who i am anymore. every day i try to think back and try to figure out where what broke. i have never felt a drive to succeed, to improve in some fashion. even for my kids. and that alone has taken such a tremendous toll on me. why would i not WANT to do everything for, if nothing else, than for my kids? why would i do that to them?!?! they don't deserve that, they're only children. they deserve to have the world. and all i could give them is a pitiful, sorry excuse of a father that i am. my first thought, the very first moment i saw my daughter's sweet beautiful face was, dam i hope you are so very much smarter than i am.
    after we split up, i've had a couple of relationships. one of which was absolutely and monstrously horrible. there were some that touched me in places and ways i never even knew were possible. and the moment each one began, i was instantly terrified. terrified because it felt better than anything id EVER felt before. terrified because i knew, beyond anything, that i would surely, at some point, do something to screw that up too. it's the ONLY thing i do right. i could not be lucky enough. they were there. they are always there, somewhere. watching. waiting. for the just the right time. always ready to play again. to chew and corrode and consume more of me. they will always be there, waiting. eventually i will no longer have the strength and they will win. they will have their prize.
    for now, i hang on with what little i have left. i haven't worked in something like 3 years. my last job was driving for uber, which had it's good and bad points. if it weren't for my sister and a very beautiful soul i've known since i was knee-high to a grasshopper, a friend of my mother's, i would very likely be out on the street somewhere. or maybe not even there. for now, i look down at the grass instead of up at the roots.
    i have now moved 2817 miles away from home and everyone who has ever meant anything to me. no longer can i see my kids, or my mother, or what few friends i had left. i am now here alone. broken, lonely, confused, and every day feeling like exploding. every day the thought is there. to try again. maybe this time ill get it right. i don't know. i miss everyone so much. mostly me. i don't know who i am. i don't know why i am here. i try though. every day i try. with what little strength i have left, i try. if for nothing else than for my kids, i try. so they won't have to sit there and cry along with whoever else would come and watch me be lowered to my final resting place. maybe then i might finally get to have some peace. maybe. doubtful though. for now, i try.
    among the many things i am trying to figure out is who i am.being here, alone, i have tried to think about that question from many different angles. which brings me to why i am telling you this. i have always liked girls. for a while though, that has broadened to other possibilities. im not really sure why. being as lonely as i am, i've been watching a lot of porn. when i do, i don't just watch the girls. i've been talking more notice of the guys too. especially the he-shes too. (forgive me if that's not politically correct, no malice intended). sometimes i imagine it's me there, getting to explore those parts. i wonder what it would be like. would i like it? would i want more? how far would i go. in an effort to try to figure this out, i got some toys to try to see how it may feel. it didn't repulse me. I kinda liked it. it makes me want to see how it would go. sometimes i can see it happening in my mind. i wonder what it would taste like. would i like it? it's definitely intriguing. i don't know where to start though. how would i feel afterwards. i don't know what my family and friends would say or think. that's something i am afraid of. i don't know how i would deal with that. for the moment though, i am here and they are not. so at least for now, i can at least see what would happen, no? how did you discover where your feelings were? how did you feel about telling your friends and family? how did you handle it?
    please forgive me for this being so long. it's the only way it would come out. (no pun intended)
    anything you can say, or anyone can say, may be helpful. hopefully.
    thank you for taking your time to read this. maybe this will be a step in trying to figure out who and where i am. maybe. hopefully. thank you, ttfn.
    p.s. this was extremely hard for me to do, but i have to try something. again, thank you very much.
    p.s.s a mental health check you asked for, i think this qualifies for that, no?
     
  19. john1010101
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    Thanks for the long post, exposing yourself like that isn’t easy.
    When you say " i got married in my early 20's. it was a relationship that should never should have happened to begin with. things have always been more or less rocky . .” it would help if you could tell us why you think your marriage didn’t work out.
    As to coming to terms with being same sex attracted at this point I don’t think you need the added pressure of coming out to family and friends. That can wait until you are more certain of where you stand. I would however contact local LGBT organisations and ask for a list of gay friendly therapists/councillors in your area. If you reveal yourself as you have in your post to any practitioner who isn’t accepting of non-heterosexuality they could do you more harm than good.
    One thing I can tell you is having sexual fantasies like you’ve experienced doesn’t always mean you need to follow them through.
    My recommendations suppose that in your country gov’t subsidised professional help is available free of charge. If you’re in the US that’s a big problem.
    Anyhow, there are a lot of people here who have had similar histories to yours who may be able to give some guidance.
     

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