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Married mum of 2 - just came out

Discussion in 'Lesbian' started by BrassMonkey, May 17, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. BrassMonkey

    BrassMonkey Hot Cookie
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    Hello all,
    I'm 50, married for 20 years, 2 teenage children and just came out to my family. After the shock, husband is relieved and happy to know we can both move on, kids have accepted it - almost embraced it really. We're splitting up and moving apart.
    I have supportive wider family which is lovely, but I am still really struggling with the massive changes that are happening. I feel euphoric one second at being brave enough to come out (although that happy feeling has worn off over the course of last few months) and most of the time just desperately unhappy at the damage caused to everyone around me and I'm not coping. Everyone is so kind and understanding but I just feel exhausted and such a burden on everyone.
    Anyone in the same situation who can relate to this?
     
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  2. Jo A
    Innocent

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    First - Welcome to a and wonderful place, where no one will judge you.

    I am 63 and I started the process of accepting myself and coming out a year ago.

    I am non binary and my presentation to my wife sucked but after a few weeks of calm talking things got better.

    She worries I will look better than her and people will want to start dating me. (no I am not transition but I started working out and lost 80 pounds).

    I have a dear friend who loved me and stayed by my side as I learned to love and accept myself. She held me as I cried as I hated myself so bad.

    As this year has gone along, I keep getting stronger.

    You need to take a deep breath and realize you have done a wonderful thing and are a wonderful person.

    If you wish you can message me.

    Peace and I am glad you came out to be you.
     
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  3. Freaky.Fiona

    Freaky.Fiona Dedicative Advisor
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    Hey, Not exactly the same, but some similarities. I'm also a married mother of 2, slightly younger at 44, (son near 19 and daughter just turned 17). Unlike you, I've been openly and actively bisexual since my teens (well, gradually more open, more so after I came out to my sister at 17 and parents at 18). My husband has known I am bi since we started dating and has always been very accepting and encouraging of me pursuing my sexuality. I didn't come out to my children until over a year ago and they were really great about it (to be fair, they kind of guessed it already). So that's similar to you, they really have embraced it and it's emboldened them in their own sexual journeys. Unlike you, I am still with my husband and do not foresee us breaking up at this stage. I know it can be a bit scary. it sure was for me coming out to my parents, less so with my husband (but still a bit nerve wracking), and definitely with my children (although I tried to raise them to be accepting, you just never know, right?). I've definitely gotten bolder over the years and, as a rule, don't really think twice about telling others I'm bi (not that I go around broadcasting it, but I won't deny it if the subject comes up). Anyway, I'm curious, maybe I missed it, you come out as bi or lesbian? Feel free to message me anytime. :) 
     
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  4. BrassMonkey

    BrassMonkey Hot Cookie
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    Thanks for responding and sharing. It’s great that patience and love has paid off xx
     
  5. Freaky.Fiona

    Freaky.Fiona Dedicative Advisor
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    You are very welcome and so true! :)  xoxoxoxo
     
  6. BrassMonkey

    BrassMonkey Hot Cookie
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    Thanks for sharing - I like your boldness. So you’re married to a man and you also have relationships with women? So like an open relationship then?

    I used the word gay to husband and kids. The label suits my husband, who has been starved of physical love for years and said everything clicked into place when I told him. He’s not questioned it and he sees it as justification/explanation for the marriage ending, and his road to freedom to hopefully find love elsewhere.

    My kids though - they asked whether gay or bi. To be honest, I’ve been attracted to both men and women in the past, but now can’t imagine a physical relationship with a man.

    Im not sure I like labels - I’m not sure they’re useful really - but I wonder if that’s just because I prefer being labelled gay rather than bi? Perhaps I feel it helps my situation ... as in easier to explain I’m gay therefore can’t stay married; rather than I’m bi, but fallen in love with a woman, and therefore can’t stay married.

    See I prefer the first - less blame / choice I suppose!
     
  7. Freaky.Fiona

    Freaky.Fiona Dedicative Advisor
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    You are very welcome! Yes, I'm married to a man and sexually open, so with women as well as him. I know what you mean and in your circumstances, likely the best option for both you and him. Great your kids are so open to it all, as were mine. :)  In my case, I am a lesbian leaning bisexual. So much the same, just sticking with bi because I do still love my husband and I do still enjoy sexual relations with men, but far prefer it with other women. I will say I prefer relationships with men, only because there's less drama overall, but when it comes to being sexually intimate; women clearly win out! lol So you have fallen in love with a woman now then? She the first you've been with?
     
  8. BrassMonkey

    BrassMonkey Hot Cookie
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    Yes my first woman, this is all new to me.
    Feel like I’m back to the first grade. I’m also her first as well. Both married actually - and both rarely intimate with our husbands - so I guess it’s how we began to realise we may have something in common.

    I’m kind of fascinated and in awe of society that this is all ok these days. I’m assuming my upbringing is the reason I surpressed feelings for so long. Love that the next generation are so ok with everything - we must have done a good job bringing them up!
     
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  9. Freaky.Fiona

    Freaky.Fiona Dedicative Advisor
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    That's lovely. Is she a mother as well? I've connected with women like that over the years, too. My bestie (and main girl) is a case like that, at least as far as being a married mother and never had any sexual relations with other girls until she met me (though she's still with her husband and is still sexual with him). My older sister has some similarities to that, though she was with girls when younger and now that she's divorced, she and an old girlfriend of hers now live together (both divorced mothers). It was really quite wonderful when she said she needed to be free and explore this on her own (she and her gf are still saying they're bi, but they are like a couple of hormonal teenagers with each other and the though of men doesn't even enter into their minds as far as I can tell! lol). So have you been intimate with your gf as yet?
    --- Double Post Merged, May 17, 2019 ---
    Sorry if my last question was too personal. Don't feel you must answer it or you can answer it in a direct message to me if you prefer. :) 
     
    #9 Freaky.Fiona, May 17, 2019
    Last edited: May 17, 2019
  10. BrassMonkey

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    No she’s not a mother. So no kids in the mix there, though dynamics of her relationship with her husband is very different - and I don’t think they’ll split up, as her husband is accepting and not ready to move on yet. Who knows - maybe we’ll end up like your sister!
    We’ve had a couple of opportunities to be intimate - it’s not easy given our lives. Again, back to first grade / first base I’m digging the hormonal teenager vibe at 50. But actually I guess I’m in no hurry - exhausted from the daily grind of life / work / balancing family etc and we’ll find time once home life changes and we change living arrnagements
     
  11. Freaky.Fiona

    Freaky.Fiona Dedicative Advisor
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    Very nice her husband is so open, much like mine I guess! Is she your age, younger, older? I appreciate you're starting from scratch. Trying new things, experimenting, etc. Been through that, except a long time ago! lol Maybe closer to my best friend as far as that goes, as it was very new and eye opening for her at first. I really had to take the lead with her and only do what she felt comfortable with at first. It was fairly tentative at first, but in time she was much like me and very open and eager to try things. I'd say much the same has happened with my sister and her gf (though they did have experience in the past, but not to the same level). :) 
     
  12. Jo A
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    Thank you to both as it is good to see people happy after a long week.

    More important - thank you both for being open and sharing.

    May the happiness continue and love grow.
     
  13. BrassMonkey

    BrassMonkey Hot Cookie
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    My gf is a bit younger than me. Yeah we’ll get there!
    --- Double Post Merged, May 17, 2019 ---
    Having a safe space is a wonderful thing - I’ve been floundering for a while - I’ll start to breathe again now I know you’re here!
     
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    #13 BrassMonkey, May 17, 2019
    Last edited: May 17, 2019
  14. Freaky.Fiona

    Freaky.Fiona Dedicative Advisor
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    Wonderful! Yes, my bestie is about 5 years younger than me, not that it matters. Been with older, younger, and same age over the years. :)  Age is a number (well, within reason and law. ;)  lol),
     
  15. mike300

    mike300 Dedicative Advisor
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    fiona, our life stories look so similar...if i was a woman, i could possibly be u...i admire u anyway
     
  16. BrassMonkey

    BrassMonkey Hot Cookie
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    Thanks for this - I totally get this yes - I'm kind of between the agony and ecstasy of that first love thing and on positive days, everything is rosie. I have dark days, but I reckon there will be fewer of those as time goes on and I always come back to the fact I know we're doing the right thing. Life will be magic.

     
  17. Chocolate&Wine

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    I'm not married, but also have two children. I had them pretty young, so both are young adults now. That's never been a problem to me in terms of relationship. In fact, I usually date girls even younger than mine, and it's always been great. I know that in your case you are ending a marriage, so that's harder, and I can't really give an advice about that. But about the rest, don't worry. You'll get through it. If you need any advice, don't hesitate to PM me.
     
  18. Freaky.Fiona

    Freaky.Fiona Dedicative Advisor
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    So sweet you are open to being with younger women and I am guessing your children have no issue with you being with them, even when they're younger than they are? :) 
     
  19. Vanillarainbow

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    Hun, i dont want to sound as tho mean, this is all about perspective. I am not from china or usa, but i know how they do things globally. In china even if you have gay inclinations, they are more a communal type of society so they don’t want their negative actions to effect a wider audience (hence they control negative, hateful speech as well and whatever else they perceive to be a “negative influence”). how this affects to your decision is in USA ppl believe in autonomy and living your truth despite the consequences it has on others (more individualistic) you are not alone there are gay and lesbians in china USA and everywhere, but how you choose to respond can be also determined by your culture and upbringing.

    P.s. please also answer my thread
     
  20. Restless

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    If you'd stayed in a relationship with your husband, would you be happy? Would he be? Would your kids have the relationship model you'd want for them to copy from?

    My mum left my dad. She was miserable, mainly spent her days sat watching TV eating selection boxes. My dad was avoidant, always in the garage.

    They had been happy when they were young, but as they grew older they wanted different things. It was amicable until the lawyers got involved then it got nasty. We were on suicide watch for the pair of them for a while, when everything was getting sorted.

    But now - they've both met a much better match, and they're really happy. That's all we wanted for them.

    What you did took a lot of courage, the first year is going to be rough. You guys were together a long time. Eventually you'll find yourself again, and remember how to have fun. Just one step at a time for now, you'll get there. - you didn't do anything wrong. You did what was best for everyone.

    Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk
     

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