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Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by vspeglia, Jan 23, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. vspeglia

    vspeglia Greenhorn

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    Hey guys this is my first time doing anything like this so here it goes.
    Im an 18yo guy and still in high school. Ever since I could remember I have been attracted to males. However I suppressed these feelings and still am in the closet today. My family is accepting and probably wouldn't care if I was gay or not but personally I don't want to be gay. My ideal life is having a job that makes a lot of money, a big house, a wife, and kids of my own. I've masked my feelings with this ideal for as long as I could remember. I told my self who cares if I secretly like guys, I just have to keep it a secret and marry a woman and live out my life. As I get older I realize the harder that is to do. Im not attracted to girls sexually at all and have never even kissed one, but I still can see my self having an emotional romantic connection with them. Guys however I've tried sexual stuff with and I liked it. I know I'm gay the point isn't confusion, the point is I don't want to be gay. I don't want to be labeled as the gay kid or seen as the gay family member. Im going to college soon and I want to have an amazing college experience which to me and most guys everywhere is hooking up with a bunch of girls and going to parties. My emotions are starting to take control of me because I can no longer hide behind this ideal. The harsh reality of my sexuality is becoming more apparent to me and I know when in college I probably won't even try to hu with a girl. I don't wanna be the gay roommate I don't wanna be the gay anything. Ive been depressed lately because my innocence of when I was younger being able to hide behind my status as straight is withering away. Rumors have gone around that I'm gay for years now but I find pride when people assume Im straight. I don't have any hatred towards gay people at all I live in a very liberal area with very accepting friends and family, its just I personally don't want to be gay. I used to try and "turn" my self straight by talking to girls and watching straight porn but now I know that just doesn't work and Im afraid to accept who I am. I know this is a lot so thank you for anyone who read this I just need to get this off my chest and talk to people that understand where I'm coming from because as a closeted gay I have no one to talk to.
     
  2. Ilomilo
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    Ilomilo Greenhorn
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    A key question...would you be happy with living a fake life, an illusion? Would you rather be happy, or miserable?
     
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  3. Corvus
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    Hi and welcome to the family. Glad you've joined us. I understand what you mean with the whole "I don't want to be the gay anything" but truly, your sexuality isn't about others; it's about yourself. Who cares if you're the gay roommate? That's for them to think about and it doesn't reflect on you...plus, as you said, you live in a liberal area so probably nobody would think that anyway...you'd just be a roommate and yeah, when sexuality is being discussed they'd remember you're gay but so what?
    What do you fear about being gay? Judgement from others? Or judgement from yourself?
     
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  4. vspeglia

    vspeglia Greenhorn

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    I know I wouldn't be happy living a fake life that's why I'm having like this existential crisis. I feel like for me to be happy I need to be straight. Not really because of how others will view me but because I don't want to be gay.
    --- Double Post Merged, Jan 24, 2020 ---
    I think I fear more judgement from my self.
     
  5. Jianghu
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    Jianghu chinese american gay dude
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    LMAO ... I'm reading between the lines here. Welcome, friend.

    A very, er, similar conversation unfolded here yesterday with unfortunate results. This can be an inflammatory topic, but it doesn't have to be.

    No one says you have to come out or live as a gay person.

    This world is filled with people who live conflicted lives. Lawyers who feel deep down like artists - but reject that path because they're afraid of poverty or want the BMW.

    People who insist on remaining single, even though a part of them yearns for a spouse, a partner, or a family.

    Trans people who hate their birth genders, yet decide to remain the man or woman they were born as, because it's just too hard to transition.

    If living the straight dream is right for you, then do that.

    But just be prepared for a lot of heartache. The existential dread is something you're gonna have to live with - as the price to pay for "straight privilege."

    And remember that in the process, you could end up hurting other gay people, due to frustrations you can't manage. That's just being human.
     
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    #5 Jianghu, Jan 24, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2020
  6. vspeglia

    vspeglia Greenhorn

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    Thank you this really made me think. I feel as if even if I did chose to live the conflicted life I'm not even sure if ill be able to be intimate with a girl.
     
  7. Jianghu
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    Jianghu chinese american gay dude
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    One thing at a time. You're overwhelmed because every time you open your eyes, there's the ugly question mark of impending doom. I know how that feels.

    Maybe you'll be able to "perform" with girls. Maybe you'll even like it, and it won't be performing anymore.

    Or maybe you'll just decide, "Nah. Not for me."

    Sooner or later, you'll know - be assured of that. Meanwhile ... you're not even college. You have time to figure this out.

    One year can make a huge difference. Even one month can. Don't panic.
     
  8. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    And what do you fear specifically? What do you find so bad about being gay?
     
  9. vspeglia

    vspeglia Greenhorn

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    Its just I want to live a normal life and have a normal wedding and have kids of my own not adopt or anything and being gay hinders all of that
     
  10. Corvus
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    You wouldn't be the first gay person to be married and with kids and a male lover. I'm morally opposed to using a wife as a child bearer and then having an affair on the side but if you're honest about it from the get go, who knows? Not to mention you said you could see yourself having a romantic relationship with a woman so you could find someone you care for (but not sexually desire) who's looking for a family but not sex with a man. It's not going to be easy but it's possible.

    I'm asexual and I've done "the required" to have a child because I wanted to be a parent. Now I have manly an emotional relation with my wife and it's a fulfilling one.
     
  11. Haxord
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    But right now you can even have kids of your own, not adopted.

    What you are feeling is very normal, a lot of lgbt+ people go trough at some point in life. I know I have, at the time I wanted to be "normal" and live the "normal" life society says it is. But after some time you realize you are not happy and happiness is probably one of the most important things. I could have millions, a wife, kids everything, but that won't matter because the foundation of it it's been based on a lie.
    Don't be overwhelmed nor stress ( easier said than done i know) because time and experiences will help you know what's really important :) 
    I hope this help!
     
  12. Ilomilo
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    Ilomilo Greenhorn
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    Excuse me, but what's normal anyway? There's no such thing as 'normal' there are only standard we put up there, and defined what's 'normal'. We, humans are complex living beings. And we complicated too much things that're really simple. We label everything, and put etiquette on everything. Does that means if a person suffer from mental illness isn't normal? No, the person is ill, and needs help. No need to label that person as abnormal. You being gay isn't an illness, isn't abnormal. I think you're just confused, and torn apart between what's expected out of you, and who you're. You still can have your own kid, even though DNA doesn't make you a parent, but how you raise the kid, and treat a kid. You can even have a wedding. I think you just need time to figure it out...So, should I go from gay(lesbian) for a guy even I don't enjoy it? Just because of the past, and bad experiences with women? Heck no. Why'd I torture myself and be unhappy? Think a bit, and give yourself time.
    Let's imagine next scenarion, now you hate being a gay and so on....you get everything you wrote above, in 50years you decide you want to be happy and with a man....how do you think that'd affect your family? Wife, and a kid? Do you think that'd be fair towards them? I don't think so....That's quitte selfish actually, and you wasted someone's time then.

    Let's agree to disagree. :D 
     
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    #12 Ilomilo, Jan 24, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2020
  13. Ran88

    Ran88 Greenhorn
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    First thing thank you for telling your story. Most people understand how you feel. You know who you are but hate it. The best thing to do right now is to not put so much pressure on yourself for a future that hasn't come to you yet. Your very young and have plenty of time to figure out the person you want to be. Don't hate yourself through this because you'll only be sad. Over time you'll grow more comfortable in your skin and who knows maybe you might be bi or might like being gay. Don't let negative thoughts stop you from living in ways that will make you happy.

    Sent from my SM-J327T using Tapatalk
     
  14. vspeglia

    vspeglia Greenhorn

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    Hey guys a little Update

    So I hooked up with a guy tonight not my first time and it didn't feel all that special. It never does. Is it because I have no emotional connection with them (all off Grindr) or because maybe im not into dudes. Im always hard when we start but the longer it goes the less I become. Any help?
    --- Double Post Merged, Jan 24, 2020 ---
    also kissing them doesn't feel special either... happened with every single one
     
    #14 vspeglia, Jan 24, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2020
  15. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    There's several possible answers.
    It can be anxiety, you might need an emotional connection first or you can be heteroromantic homosexual (emotionally attracted to women and sexually attracted to men) which would make things a lot more difficult if you need an emotional connection in order to enjoy the sex.
     
  16. Haxord
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    It could also be because you don't have any romantic connection...
    My first time kissing a guy was a little horrible ^^' For that same reason, i wasn't that much into the guy!
     
  17. MusicGuy01

    MusicGuy01 Addictive Contributor
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    Hi welcome to the site your still young npt everyone comes out and tells ppl what they are weather being bi gay or lesbian it's your choice be yourself.. :) 
     
  18. vspeglia

    vspeglia Greenhorn

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    Hey guys id just like to write this to say thank you to everyone who commented on this post and tried to help me.

    For my whole life I've been surpassing these feelings and shoving them in deep parts of my brain never to be touched. Recently they all started flowing out and It put me in a dark place.

    After reading everything you guys had to say it gave me reassurance that I have time to figure this all out, I don't have a deadline. Whatever the outcome is it has only to do with me and what makes me happy... it doesn't affect anyone else. I wasn't able to fully understand this until I reached out on here and all of you guys answered.

    Im much happier now just knowing I have time. Im still confused and scared and somethings still bother me but Ive definitely made a lot of progress. Ill still need time to figure out who I am but that process is going to be a lot easier.

    So once again Thank You for helping me and putting time into helping someone you don't even know. Your impact on my life will never be forgotten.
     
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  19. Corvus
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    What a nice and positive outcome. I'm so happy whenever people come here feeling like the sky is falling and the community manages to reassure them that they'll be ok, because you will and we're still here for you no matter what :D 
     

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