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Lonely Misfits

Discussion in 'Questioning & General LGBT' started by AudryLeigh, Oct 19, 2017.  |  Print Topic

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  1. AudryLeigh
    Malnourished

    AudryLeigh Transsexual Lesbian
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    In the time I've been working with people on this site, one very strong, very influential, potentially devastating feeling seems to be perhaps the most common negative element in many peoples' lives. That would be the feeling of loneliness, of isolation, of not fitting in.

    With that in mind, I created this sticky thread to provide a way for all the lonely misfits to gather, commiserate, share their stories, their worries, and ways they've found to cope. After dealing with so many who suffer this way, I realized that whenever something would cause them to communicate with each other, they seemed to do each other more good than anything I have been able to do or say.

    Also, if people actually use this thread, as I hope they (you) will, they will discover that they are a lot farther from being an "only one like me" than they ever dreamed.

    I intend to do my level best to keep up with posts here, both to learn more about why I feel so helpless sometimes in the face of this feeling, so I can better help people caught in this conundrum, and to be able to make useful comments any time I may have something to add.

    My hope is actually, that the people who use this thread will collectively become a healing tool for everyones benefit.

    Please, if you are a lonely misfit, or if you know one, have been one, are close to one - if you have anything at all you can say that relates to the topic (PLEASE stay on topic - I will be splitting off any and all derailments, as this thread has a very specific purpose), PLEASE POST. Even if all you can say is "I'm always lonely", or "I don't fit in anywhere", please post. Say more if you can, but any contribution will help start the ball rolling.

    Here's hoping that this turns out to be as good an idea as it seems, and thank you all, in advance, for being a part.

    Lots of Great Big Hugs,
    Audry Leigh
     
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  2. anon_abstraction
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    anon_abstraction I be Taylor Lilith ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    Okay, Ima work up a cry.

    I'm agender, and have been since birth. I've always been confused by the way that binary people think and feel and act. I've just now started meeting people online that are like me. Agender people or demigender people and sitting in chat rooms with y'all, while absolutely wonderful, is also incredibly difficult. I am guessing not many people can imagine the abject and utter loneliness that you can't bring up with others because you can't place your difference. You can't put your finger on it but you are different than absolutely everyone else around you and have been since you were raised with your siblings, went through grade school, middle school, highschool, college, marriage, divorce until finally you get to 30 and finally admit you are different.

    I'm coming to grips recently that I lost decades, almost three of them, because I was offered a choice when I was growing up--"man" and "woman"--so I had "man" parts so I pushed "manhood" on myself. I don't think many people can fathom what a failure of 30 years is. Agender and proud sure but I failed and I can't figure out why. I hurt people forcing masculinity I never felt. I was manipulative and abusive to try and force something that would never come. I tried to force "man". I tried to force gender.

    I'm coming to grips that when I tried my best to force those gender traits, I hurt people. Many men act like that and a lot of what I did was minor for many men but it wasn't me. I tried to force things and other people around me suffered for it. Something that hurt others that I could not in turn feel. I feel like the worst kind of heartless, in that I hurt those people to ATTEMPT to feel something I don't have the capability of feeling.

    I'm coming to grips with a life I lost because I was offered "gay" and "straight", "man" and "woman" when I was young. If I had even known the words pan or bi, or non-binary or transgender or even if transsexual hadn't meant a man being ridiculous in fishnets, what would have changed? Would I have continued to try and pray the gay and trans away? Would I have forced manhood throughout highschool?

    I can't know that though. I can't go back and time and change decades. Now I sit around at home snatching children who were scared just like me. I snatch them up and give them the wings they need and the support they need to move on. It's a constant fight with bitterness though.

    Because I think to myself,

    "Where was my Taylor, where was my anon to save me? Why didn't I have a Taylor that could give me a life I wanted? Where were the resources for me?"

    "Why did I have to lose 30 years?"

    (Crying has begun)

    Now the joy I get is giving kids a future I can never possess. I can only give them a failed history of what not to do, to move them into a future I can't have. A future I most definitely want but all I see is a past I most definitely don't.

    I see a past where a name that applied for 30 years fills me with nothing but regret and pain and bile. 30 years of trying to apply something that wouldn't stick. Trying to force gender was like trying to put air in a mason jar by waving my arms around like a mad person and all I saw around me were people heaping gender like something solid into their jars.

    I don't understand how I failed. I can't even see HOW I failed but I never felt what I was so sure I possessed. I can't understand a failure more complete than being so sure of yourself for 30 years only to realize you had never even succeeded in feeling slightly manly. I've been married and divorced too, so I know a lot about failure.

    I stuck out like a sore thumb. Now being around people like me for the first time in 30 years is like a freezing foot being into lukewarm water. It burns and all it is is normal water. My reaction to people like me...I have to walk away from the computer. A computer...because I see people talking like me. All I see is what they type and it makes me so uncomfortable to be the same for once in my damn life that I have to get up and sit somewhere else. A comment, a simple comment. I forgot who said it but it is EXACTLY what I would have said. I wasn't expecting it but somewhere out there an agender person was talking like me. I couldn't handle it. It was a quip of some kind. A simple sentence and I felt uncomfortable because for once I was the same, for once I was known, for once I was understood, for once in my life I could relate (<-that was the hardest part to write).

    It's hard to admit that I was THAT lonely. That I was THAT different from everyone else. That I was THAT used to being alone. That being THAT alone could cause something akin to revulsion.

    It's been so obvious that I have been so alone and I never caught. I cry frequently because I am reminded just how alone I really have been.

    I like to proofread my posts several times but that was too hard to proofread once, so if there are any errors, I am sorry.
     
  3. AudryLeigh
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    AudryLeigh Transsexual Lesbian
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    Hi anon,

    Thank you so much. I can tell that was hard - maybe the hardest thing of it's kind you have ever done. I now know you much better than I did before.

    Please, please, please, don't take offense at any of the following, it's only a question - only curiosity. I've come to realize that a big part of what I do is ask questions. If I'm lucky, in the course of answering the question, the person will answer a [hidden] question they never thought to ask themselves, or maybe they will explain something to themselves while trying to explain it to me.

    OK, let me create some context here. I'm going to explain how I got to where I am today, much as you just did, only I'm going to contrast and compare, mostly contrast, but in reading your post, a couple compares stood out at me like headlights in the dark, soooo...

    I was assumed to be male, from birth, because of my genitalia. (compare). I never thought about it. I had positively incredible parents, went to good schools, lived in a nice neighborhood - it was America's heyday, Life was Good! So I just "be'd" (past tense of [to] be?) a boy. Nothing (absolutely NOTHING) was said about my delighting in playing "Dress-up". Mom had a huge trunk full of old evening gowns, Bridesmaids dresses, all this very ruffles and lace and ribbons and bows kind of stuff. My younger sister and I used to get all dressed up in this stuff, and walk around like that for the rest of the day. Not only no judgment, there was no.... well anything - it wasn't any kind of issue. My entire youth was like that but, because I thought I was not so much supposed to, but I just expected that I would "be a boy", so I just was. It wasn't an issue for me, partly because my life was so rich, I didn't have time to wonder, let alone worry about such things. It actually made things kind of easier. "Ah. Never been in this position before - what should I do? (panic sets in) AHHHH - what should I do?" OK, forget everything past the first "what should I do" - the panic was never part of my life - take the easy way out...... just do whatever a boy (later, a man) would do. So being a boy was never something that I had to [try to] conquer, it all just was, and life was good, didn't have time or cause to question it. (contrast) Time passes, I realize I'm not all that enamored of being a man but, hay, My life kept me surrounded by people that may well not even notice if I swished into a room, or did a twirl to turn around, or painted my toenails, non issues, totally (contrast). OK, 60 years goes by (compare to 30). I'm forced into early retirement. All of a sudden, I can't afford the endlessly entertaining life. I had time on my hands. Time to just think and wonder. So I did. And then one day suddenly, "Oh my God! I'm not a man at all! Never was. Shit." (kind of compare). Now, Keep in mind (contrast), I had never had any negativity of any kind associated with gender. Though I realize I'm not a man, I also realize and recognize that I do have a "male side" (I used to think I had a strong Female side). And I have known girls as close friends forever, next door neighbor girls, school friends, neighborhood girls, a sister and her friends - I was very familiar with them - I had known [probably] ever since puberty that I had a very strong female side. So I (contrast) had zero negative gender issues, good knowledge of and experience with both [binary] genders. "Oh my God, I'm not a man! Oh, my God, I'm a woman!" Easy Peasy for me. "I'm trans. Cool. Let's call the Dr and do this!" (***Contrast, CONTRAST, CONTRAST***).

    And now we're here. (This is where I do my [hopefully] constructive curiosity thing.) Indulge me, if you will. You had to fight to try to "have" a male gender, hated it, ultimately failed, and finally rebelled and rejected male gender to the point where it no longer exists in your world. But what about female gender? Would you even recognize it if it bit you? Do you think maybe, just maybe you threw the baby out with the bath water?

    You come at me like a woman. You have your color, you like dresses, especially with spaghetti straps, you paint your nails, you're sensitive and emotional... Is it possible that you could have been (could still be?) female gender, if you hadn't so completely exorcised gender (as a category?) from your reality?

    I have to ask, because it's what I do, but mostly because you do not seem happy with your current 'situation', we'll call it. It is my firm belief that sex and gender should make you happy. So, if you're not happy, maybe you haven't gotten things fully figured out yet.

    To me, you seem very much like you could be just another one us tGirls. You are drawn to and enjoy a lot of fundamentally feminine things. Is your reality so fragile (not a dig, it of course could be) that you couldn't drop your shields a little, to see what it would feel like, if you let yourself "be" a girl - not just enjoy girly things, but let yourself, just for a moment, just to see what might become of it, just allowed yourself to be a girl.

    I had to ask, you sure seem like an M2F to me, but maybe it's just outward appearances, IDK. At least I hope none of this was offensive, it truly was not meant to be.

    With respect and lots of hugs,
    Audry Leigh
     
  4. anon_abstraction
    In-Love

    anon_abstraction I be Taylor Lilith ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    I had considered it but I watch people on here, specifically women trans or cis accumulate positives like it's going out of style. It's something I can't replicate. It's actually astounding to me how fast women gain positive reactions. Especially lesbians, "You've been here 12 hours and you have 50 positive reactions ?!"

    I've put a lot of thought into it but like I said I have been confused by how both binary gender brains work. I have never had anyone to look up to. In school at the beginning of the year they would ask you for role models I would wrack my brain for someone like me I could think of but all eyes were on me, it's do or die

    "Uhhhh, Jesus?"

    Nods of approval. That's a safe answer

    -or-

    How I describe how I am not gender neutral.

    I used to play the flute through middle school - junior year of highschool. People would laugh and say it was "unmanly" didn't care. The second you called it a "woman's instrument" I was ready to fight. I didn't care when you defined it by lacking something but when you put a gender on it \shrugs.

    Things can get too far feminine too, though. When I was entering puberty parts of my body were too feminine, which I mentioned to my family and they looked at me like a crazy person. They probably would have looked at me crazier if they knew I thought parts of me were too masculine as well. That I shaved a lot of my body when I was younger.

    I started a post a while back about getting pink nail polish off of me before it had time to dry.

    I am 100% certain I have no gender. I also wouldn't have a problem if I were a woman. If it turned out I was somehow genderfluid after 30 stable years, I'd own it. I don't think it'll ever happen though.

    If any of that sounded angry, it wasn't. I am really actually pretty hard to get super mad.
     
  5. Jinxie
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    Jinxie Queen of Dragons
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    When I was a little girl, I was called a lesbian for trying to lead this girl away from her bullys. I was only an innocent girl. I asked my parents what it meant and then I was told what the LGBT community was. My aunt and uncle weren't actually a heterosexual relationship. They were two lesbians. I was told it was bad and they would burn in hell and that seared an image in my tiny head. The fast forward to 5th grade I experienced liking both girls and guys, then dread filled my body as I felt that I was sinning. I came to terms with it and let the dread leave me because I embraced who I am but coming out never appealed to me because I dreamed oh so many times that the outcome would be death, my mother killing me because I was an abomination. A girl of 12 years already became depressed at the thought of never being wanted. I grew on to be genderfluid, I figured it out quickly for even some days, my mannerisms were of Zane and my voice was Zane and even the way I talked was Zane. The dread came in again as my first girlfriend and I were almost caught by my mother. I left her to protect her from my mothers wrath since she was so close but it never came to be that my mother found out. A year passes and I become so depressed that I felt emotionless even but then I came into a church that accepted everyone for who they were and it didn't matter where they came from they would always be helpful. I was taught that I am loved. That I was created to be this way for a reason. I was taught how to read the Bible and learn the true stories and learn the truth that I was not a sin but I felt alone still and fell into the biggest mistake in my life. I was in an abusive relationship and lost what is most precious to a woman without consent. Only one person in my church knows and she is an old woman who helped go through the pain I was going through and then there is now. I am a proud gender fluid and raging bisexual who even now going through rough times. I am taking it one step at a time
     
  6. AudryLeigh
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    AudryLeigh Transsexual Lesbian
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    Hi again anon,

    Didn't sound angry. I love you just the way you are, I just wish you were happier. Maybe it's as much from lack of practice as anything that you don't get responses like women do. IDK, it just feels to me like there is something missing from your life - something that could be supplied or replaced. I just wish you could find it.

    Big Hugs,
    Audry Leigh
     
  7. anon_abstraction
    In-Love

    anon_abstraction I be Taylor Lilith ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    I think I'm a hopeless romantic and having a partner helps me but I am not going to get another partner specifically for having another partner. I want someone that I can love and snuggle but I'm fine otherwise.

    Jinxie I'm wondering how many people that are going to reply to this thread are going to be non-binary.
     
  8. Jinxie
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    Jinxie Queen of Dragons
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    Maybe like 3 lol.
    I am surprised no one bothered to ask my female name yet since Jinxie is not what I go as in real life
     
  9. anon_abstraction
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    anon_abstraction I be Taylor Lilith ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    AudryLeigh I don't think I'm defending my identity, but maybe I am. I think maybe I am just trying to make it so it is easier to spot for you in the future. You being a mod and all.

    I have been misgendered as "girl" by a person that was trying to correct themselves. Same reaction to being misgendered as a "boy". I have gone into a women's bathroom and just stood there to see what it would be like. Same reaction as to being in a men's restroom. Both of those were the exact same feeling, and the exact same intensity.

    I've tried using she/her/hers pronouns on myself. About the same reaction as applying cis to myself. I've experimented to the point of it being dangerous as far as dysphoria. Thankfully, I was wise enough to do it in a stronger patch.

    Masculine...feminine... neither apply. Both same discomfort, both same misgendered annoyance.

    I've also said in the past, I don't say binary logic confuses me because both kinds of binary are the same. I say it because it is easier than saying cis male and trans male (which act the same in most regards) and cis woman and trans woman (which act almost exactly the same) brains confuse me or genderfluid brains in female mode confuse me... the list is endless so I just say binary brains. That's part of the reason I have been so lonely--I have never been around brains that are similar to mine because agender is very rare. Probably not as rare as polygender or bigender or trigender etc. but still pretty dang rare.

    When I have interacted with other agender peeps, I have been so similar in temperment and reaction even down to grammaratical structure and emotional reaction, I find it difficult to acknowledge I could possibly be anything other than agender.

    That's why gender expression and gender identity are grouped seperately. There are binary trans people that prefer to appear androgynous. There are also binary trans people that like to go really far to either extreme. Non-binary people can't really pass so I just usually dress how I want and how I want is almost always feminine to the point that scratchy thick men's t-shirts often cause dysphoria.

    Some trans women have no problems with genitals or chest but I find it unlikely that my dysphoria has very little to do with my chest or genitals. BO and sweat and body hair are my thing.

    So it is unlikely in the past until the internet that brought a lot of trans/enby people together that I really encountered a brain like mine or at least noticed it. Thus an unending loneliness I felt until recently.
     
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  10. AudryLeigh
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    AudryLeigh Transsexual Lesbian
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    Hey anon,

    You are what you are, and I accept you for that. The thing that bothers me though is that you don't seem happy. I'm not happy most of the time either, and it really degrades the quality of my life. But I have been happy, and I am happy sometimes, so I know how good that makes me feel. I'm struggling, trying to fix myself, and little by little I'm making progress.

    I guess I'm a Pollyanna. I really want everybody to be happy (me last, for some reason though), and I have this very strong feeling that, for you, there is a piece missing. It doesn't seem like a big piece, but an important one. And not necessarily one that would change you, but more complete you, or help you understand something about yourself that is blocking happiness. I wish I knew what it was - I'd tell you in a heartbeat. The only real feeling I have is that it has something to do with you keeping stronger barriers around you than you really need - keeping things out, to avoid confusion, something that is blocking something that would rock your World if, somehow it got in.

    It seems like you have really built an Iron wall around yourself - around your emotions and feelings, and I'm sure that at one time that wall was very necessary, very beneficial, but time marches on, things change. Maybe that wall doesn't need to be so rigid and impenetrable as it once did. You've grown up. You have a support system now (the people here, at least). You have encountered at least some people like yourself. Maybe it would be safe to lower that wall a little, to soften your defenses a tad. Maybe it's safe now to let your horizon move back a bit, to entertain more possibilities.
     
  11. Being.
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    Being. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    Nevermind
     
    #11 Being., Oct 24, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2017
  12. anon_abstraction
    In-Love

    anon_abstraction I be Taylor Lilith ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    Maybe? I don't know. The closest thing I know of that is unknowable is how my OCD communicates. When I am most compulsive...it's hard to describe...but my brain that "talks" internal monologue style can listen and communicate with the OCD sections of my brain and I can only hear the internal monologue communication part, not the OCD part of the conversation in my head. It's actually creepy what I can glean from context between the parts I can "hear" and the parts I can't. I've lost 30 minutes of time where my brain was communicating to fast and too hard that I lost consciousness. I had to leave my house my terror was so great upon gaining conciousness. Whatever I was thinking of, I absolutely had to be out of my house. My brain terrifies me because a lot of it I am incapable of hearing.

    So I know there things that are unknowable in my brain because I cannot communicate directly with my compulsions but, I know there are parts of me that are missing but I don't think I will know all of them until I die. Dragonforce's "Through the Fire and the Flames", has a line that has great importance to me,

    "Lost inside you'll never find, lost within my own mind"

    Never fails to give me the shivers. My brain is very good at hiding information from me that is too hard to face until I am capable. Realizing I was pan right after the divorce would have been bad, realizing I am agender at the same time as being pan would have been deadly realizing my deadname isn't my name would have been deadly as well.

    So who knows what the future holds?
     
  13. Ella G.

    Ella G. Transgender girl :)
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    Okay I'm next I guess,

    So I'm a pretty shy girl, always was, even before I even wanted to be a girl. So I've never really had many friends, always just one or two who I always played with. So when I moved on to middle (or high) school I had no friends at all because they all went to different schools. I felt lonely and didn't talk to anyone and it didn't help that they where all in groups together already so I really didn't fit in. When I then, after 4 years, decided to come out to a girl at school and she excepted me I felt really good. I send pictures to her everyday for the rest of the year of new outfits I bought and we talked a lot, she said I could talk about anything with her. It kinda slowed down during the summer when school was out and she was on vacation and I didn't have time either. I felt excited for the next year but unfortunately we weren't in the same class anymore. We didn't really talk anymore until I asked her to do something together for Halloween after wich she didn't respond, after wich I sended four more messages that until now she has seen but hasn't responded. I feel very stressed and anxious about it, but I don't even know why? What happened, why isn't she responding? Did I mess up? People say she is the one who is wrong but she was so nice in the past and maybe I don't want to believe that she doesn't want to be friends. I just don't know and ever since I felt really depressed. I see her everyday but still we ignore each other. I haven't talked to her in real life either but I'm too shy to even talk to anyone in the first place. I don't know what to do.
     
  14. SebAndGin
    Chatty

    SebAndGin Space Cowboy
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    Audry, thank you, this is a great thread! Though I might be too late for the party, but anyway, this seems like the right place for me right now. So, I´ll give it a go.

    Trans boy (or man, given the fact that I have just turned 35) here. Took me quite a long time to figure it out, I finally realized and admitted it about 5 yrs ago. I´m also gay (guess that was the most confusing part of it). Wish I had more resources when I was growing up, maybe things would be different now. Nevermind. The thing is, I really don´t know what to do now. I am scared of transition AF. I hate doctors, I hate thinking of hospitals, procedures, controls... I don´t want to make things complicated for my mom and for my friends too (though I am out to few of them and they are all very supportive). On the other hand, I hate living like that. I avoid dating, because "who would want to date me, right?", but I also feel like living without loving someone is just a waste. And I think I am ready to be a good, caring and loving partner. I just... can´t make myself to give it a try (and with whom, anyway?). So, I am working harder on my carreer to distract my mind from all this, and sometimes I drink too much (to regret it even more in the morning, heh). The work helps, but.. IDK if I can function like that for next thirty years? It´s quite clear that I am only trying to delay the final decision to start with therapy, by shutting myself to my comfortable workoholic safespace, where it´s just me, my work and nothing else. Which is quite sad. In the meanwhile, my friends suffer the confusion, because they don´t know how to call me, or who the hell am I. Don´t know if any of it makes sense. Probably I just need something that would definitely push me over the edge. Wish I knew what it is. Anyway... thanks for creating this place to pour my heart out, Audry :) 
    Seb
     
  15. anon_abstraction
    In-Love

    anon_abstraction I be Taylor Lilith ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    No, not really. The number of times I have explained penis + vagina can be sex is beyond the number of times I would like to count. May be confusing to me but if an asexual can understand it, it really isn't that difficult to understand.

    I agree with this so hard it has almost knocked me unconscious. (<-Hyperbole)

    You'll know which ones are your friends vs which aren't. Your friends will stick around and also not be awful transphobes. Coming out trans very much makes it obvious, who your friends are and who you good family members are.
     
  16. SebAndGin
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    I probably said it wrong - I meant that my sexual orientation was a big argument for me against the idea of me being trans, because "why can´t I just *stay* like this, a straight girl, why should I make things difficult for the rest of my life?". That was, ofcourse, a huge bullshit. If I payed a better attention to hints that were present since my early years, I´d know better. But took me some time to find out that orientation =/= gender.
    --- Double Post Merged, Jan 16, 2018 ---
    That´s very much true, and I´m very happy that my real friends, those who I consider solid part of my life, are OK with me and everything. I only worry about my mom, she´s great and I believe she´ll accept and respect me, but she also tends to worry about everything too much. And I don´t want her to worry about me. She has been through hard things.
     
    #16 SebAndGin, Jan 16, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2018
  17. SwordArts

    SwordArts Well-Known Advisor
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    A bit late in seeing this but I think it’s a great idea. There have been so many times that I’ve felt like the only one, trying to navigate through a system I don’t fit. Even now there are some things I still (even after asking in here) that I haven’t found another person in the same situation.
     
  18. anon_abstraction
    In-Love

    anon_abstraction I be Taylor Lilith ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
    Premium Supporter Beloved Member

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    I can understand that. There are only 2 or 3 human beings I have met in this world whose gender I didn't recognize when speaking with them or observing their reactions. You happen to be one of those humans, SwordArts.

    Not saying you don't fit anywhere or that you are unloved or unwanted, just that your gender is indecipherable to one of only two humans I know that possesses this ability. You're special and unique! Yay!
     
  19. Thief King Bakura
    Badass

    Thief King Bakura ✰Prince of HELL + UwU❀ ❀ ❀ ❀
    Moderator Supporter Beloved Member

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    AudryLeigh, I appreciate you making this thread. This is amazing.

    Regarding my feelings of loneliness, I could be surrounded by a crowd of people and still feel alone. I try to make like I'm this badass here and I've got everything figured out, I don't. I'm just starting to figure out what life as a trans boi looks like, and it is lonely. I mean I've met people on here and being apart of this site has constantly continued to help. As much as I'd like to, I can't summon you guys into the real world with me, even tho that would be nice.

    Since discovering I was trans and coming out to my dad, I have felt more lonely than ever. I feel like I have to pretend to be something I'm not, not feeling emotionally safe to correct my dad when he continually to misgenders me (and he knows hes doing it.) When I move into my own apartment and with some advice from my therapist, I plan on advocating for myself and I'm going to continue to fight for my identity as a man.

    Even though I am surrounded by people in college, talk to people here, and such, I still feel alone. I feel alone because there's always going to be a chance that my blood family isn't going to accept me. My mother made it clear she didn't accept me as anything besides her "baby girl" when I visited her in the hospital (which damn near killed me, especially when I thought I was going to loose her and she ends up going right back to yu narc she was before.) In truth I wish she wodld just disown me, than having to continue to deal with her abusive crap. That's why I limit my contact with her.

    Regardless, yes I feel lonely. I feel lonely everyday of my life, especially when your family doesn't accept you. It's made me go crazy but then
    I realized that it doesn't matter what THEY think, I have to accept mys of as I am. Yes it is lonely, but at the same time, I'd rather be alone than surrounded by people who don't accept me for who I am.
     
  20. SebAndGin
    Chatty

    SebAndGin Space Cowboy
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    TBH I´m just so tired of everything these days that I don´t give a damn about fighting for accepting my identity and everything, I´m just thinking of a quiet way out of here. I feel totally useless and horrible. Every morning I can barely take the fact that I am awake, again and again. I don´t know how long can I take it, I just want to sleep forever.
    Guess this is just some stupid phase, and that the chemistry in my brain messes up, but, damn.. :-/
    Sorry.
     

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