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Life As An Asexual

Discussion in 'Asexual & Grey-Ace' started by Aus19, Apr 22, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Aus19

    Aus19 Greenhorn
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    So i have recently come out as bi but am also an asexual spectrum (havent told anyone)

    there's so much info about being bi that i can read and everything plus everyone's so open about educating others about it that i grew up being fine with that (still a huge new part of me to accept) but i no nothing about being asexual.
    it feels like everyone else will think im a freak, u know?
     
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  2. BiBiLife
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    BiBiLife Forever in debt to your priceless advice.
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    I'm bi, not asexual, but there are some resources for those identifying as asexual:

    AVEN, an online community for asexuals: https://www.asexuality.org/
    This GLAAD page lists a few a-spectrum identities: https://www.glaad.org/amp/ace-guide-finding-your-community

    Some members here identify as asexual, so you can also ask them about their experiences. And no, you are not a freak. You just have an orientation that is relatively rare (it is estimated 1% of the population is asexual).

    BiBi
     
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  3. Aus19

    Aus19 Greenhorn
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    thanks :)  good to know im not the only one :) 
     
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  4. asexyaf

    asexyaf Greenhorn
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    Heyhey,I happen to be asexual.Apart from googling online resources on asexuality (such as AVEN),the important thing to remember is that the only requirement for identifying as asexual is not experiencing sexual attraction. Asexuality also falls on a spectrum ,so if you think that you fall short in the sexual attraction department you might be asexual or have an asexual spextrum identity.Sexual attraction can be defined as the urge to engage in partnered sexual activity. You can be asexual and have fantasies,want to be in romantic relationships etc. While it has been estimated that around 1 percent of the world's population identifies as asexual the number is likely higher. I think part of the reason its difficult talking to others about asexuality is that there isnt quite as much visibility as with other sexual orientations(there is progress though).People also generally find it difficult to understand how someone does NOT experience sexual attraction.The important thing to remember is that the more people are aware of asexuality the better they are able to understand it and the bigger the chamxe of acceptance. Having said that,there will always be naysayers that are not worth explaining to and it's best to ignore them. You know yourself best ☺
     
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  5. Peter Smith
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    Peter Smith Rving with a wheel or two missing
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    The woman I love and live with is asexual, while I am not, so I remain celibate until new love enters our relationship--we are polyamorous. (I had to edit certain things that follow herein when I saw that there are 13 year olds on this site.)

    I know it sounds impossible or unrealistic to many people, but I learned that while she has no desire, she does desire romance, love, and has SENSUAL desire, to be held, hugged, kissed, to hold hands, but has no interest in engaging in sexual activity. We had three children together over many years. One day, to help me during a crisis, we talked deeply and she explained that she was doing what she thought was her duty, to make children, to satisfy MY needs, (I immediately told her there was no need to subordinate her asexuality to my hypersexuality and at that I chose celibacy rather than infidelity--which it turns out was not necessary as I also learned she is polyamorous, as I, and very interested in living within that lifestyle.) So---you are NOT a freak, it is simply a way of being, a value and belief society tries to control and make us THINK we are "freakish" because it challenges their normative, dichotomous, monogamous, heterosexual impartitives we are social constructed to internalize--but which those of us enlightened enough to see is a social construct, reject. When we think of ourselves as freaks, it is because we are seeing ourselves, judging ourselves, from within THEIR internalized social construct.

    To be clear, my lover does not experience ZERO sexual desire, rather, we believe that it is on a continuum as well, (as all dichotomies,) closest to current definitions as asexuality, because sometimes, while spooning at night, she may reach "around," to cuddle when I am in a state in my sleep, and has once or twice dropped the hint that she's ok with the occasional intercourse, but would never actively participate, (I think she may offer it as remnants of fear of losing the relationship and trying to satisfy my desires at her expense as best she can--I, in turn, have difficulty with that because I desire involvement, participation, and there are not enough indicators there for me to think she is actually desiring it). Occasionally, she will engage in sexting in a video game she plays, but it is not about wanting sex; rather, it is about playing a role to please an online friend in the game--she never engages in masterbation or shows signs of reaching a "peak" when doing so--it is simply her expressing her sexuality closest to the asexual end of a continuum of desire. As soon as the other online person is satisfied, she continues playing the video game. It is like it is a social role to her.

    I have difficulty seeing anything, let alone desire for sexual physicality, as a dichotomies imperative, an all-or-nothing approach to defining ourselves within someone else's social constructs, unless one truly has zero desire or is always in a state of arousal, which can exist I suppose, but seems as unlikely as pure and constant heterosexual desire. Statistics have shown than less than 3% of males, and less than 4% of females have NEVER engaged in same sex experience; further, research shows that fantasies that include same gender sexuality are "normal". (I really need to find that data set again). My lover explained it to me as not really having an interest in sex, that even when she reaches an orgasm, it is really not so big a thing, it only lasts a tiny moment and is nothing more than a fleeting wave of sensation that isn't worth the effort. I know she has faked many orgasims and freely admits it, to please me, and she also knows it is not about the technique of others, because others we have known have told her of their orgasms from the same sources, and she knows when she has experienced an orgasm or not. She says it is that she simply sees no need for such beyond pleasing others. She NEVER initiates, because it doesn't interest her anymore than watching one of my science documentaries on TV. She'll do it, because she has nothing better to do and she likes to be with me.

    Since I decided to become celibate until someone joins our relationship, (which she is strongly encouraging), because I love her deeply, our relationship has grown even deeper and absolutely committed as the focus is on the love we have for each other; sexuality has been removed from the equation--until it can be re-engaged. To be in a relationship means to be inclusive, loving, and considerate of EVERYbodies needs, from our perspective. I respect hers, and she respects mine. There is nothing abnormal about asexuality any more than not fitting the monogamous hetrosexual normative societal imparative in any other way. You are absolutely NOT a freak, and any fear that others might see you that way is a realistic fear, still, it is THEIR issue, and should not be accepted, tolerated, or internalized.

    Oh yeah...while I myself do not identify as bisexual, I do identify as having a preference for people I can love who are feminine-of-centre; physical features are not a consideration; the ability to share, to give and receive love, is. Neither of us likes displays of masculinity. There is a part of me, due to childhood trauma throughout developmental years, that is often referred to as an "admirer", but since I haven't knowingly met someone like that since I was 14, it is likely we never will again, and it is more important to know a PERSON, before even knowing if they are or are not transgendered, so the focus is not on finding a person who meets that physical need/desire, it is on finding someone to love. I fell in love with her on first sight, but there was an age difference that ended up being something she could not accept beyond physical satisfaction. If it happens again, we have found the love of our lives, if it doesn't, perhaps there is a couple out there who feels as we do. We do not believe in an OPP. We accept our preferences as us, in our relationship.

    There are barriers though, like actually meeting another person or couple who can accept us as we are and who wants to share in our life--hence the continued celibacy. We are, though, content to know that we have no secrets and accept each other as we are, looking for a person or couple to share that love.

    Clearly, you are not a freak, asexuality exists and is a way of being and should not be looked at through a lense of social constructed normative imperatives, as so many of us do who do not fit their paradigm. Our hearts go out to you in your struggle.
     
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    #5 Peter Smith, Nov 2, 2019
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2019
  6. Peter Smith
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    Peter Smith Rving with a wheel or two missing
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    Thank you BiBilife.
     
  7. Peter Smith
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    Peter Smith Rving with a wheel or two missing
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    Thank you Storm71
     
  8. Dreamsexual
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    Dreamsexual Reliable Contributor
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    AVEN, as has already been mentioned, helped me work through a lot of things when I was first trying to sort out my sexuality.
     

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