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Lies, lies and more lies

Discussion in 'Lesbian' started by Meowth6676, Aug 1, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Meowth6676

    Meowth6676 Greenhorn
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    I’ve been in a relationship for awhile now. She’s lied throughout the relationship. I kinda just let it go. It has just built up over the years and with each new lie I’ve grown to dislike the person she is.
    i thought with as much as I loved her she would stop. Love, obviously is not a cure all. It’s gotten to point where I can’t stand the sight of her. She won’t leave and I’m not mean and don’t want to kick her out. It’s my house so I can’t leave. I’m just fed up with it all.. I know it’s partly my fault because I let her get away with it for so long. I just don’t know what to do anymore
     
  2. Missy Chrissie

    Missy Chrissie Well-Known Contributor
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    What does she lie about?
     
  3. FTM
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    FTM Justin
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    Cab you be more specific? what is she lying about? I get that it can be a bunch of small stuff, so maybe outline what a day generally looks like between you and her. Also, insisting that she leaves isn't mean. If the relationship has turned ugly then it will be better for both of you to break it off. And its your house at the end of the day.
     
  4. TropicalSunshine
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    TropicalSunshine Great Learner
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    Leave. Worst decision I ever made was to stay with a liar. In time it destroyed my health, my finances, my confidence, my friendships and career ultimately... I stayed way past the point it was healthy for me. That's not love. That's codependence. Suck it up, accept that in the short term you'll feel guilt and terrible pain and it will blow up your life, and maybe even she and some other people in your life will blame you. But ultimately, it will be the smartest, bravest, and healthiest thing you ever did for yourself.

    The relationship is dead. Let it go. You deserve better than this. And the future, will only continue to get worse, until you no longer believe you deserve to be with anyone else either. The more you stay, the more you'll hate yourself. Get some support resources (maybe including a domestic violence organization, which is exactly for this type of abusive relationship, not only physical abuse), and make a clear exit strategy. Stick to it. And if you have to move to do that, so be it. Your life is worth more than where you live.

    I would write something longer with a little more nuance, but I don't have time today to soften my words. But I do wish you strength, and much happiness! You will only get the kind of life though that you demand for yourself. If you waste time accepting less, less is all you will ever get. Happiness only comes when you make room for it in your life. Only by changing things dramatically, can things change dramatically. <3
     
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  5. Meowth6676

    Meowth6676 Greenhorn
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    She’s lies about everything. She’s a storyteller. There’s so much more I’d rather not get into. She won’t leave when I ask her to. She’s lived with me for 19 years and I’m in California so she has some right :/ I tell her I don’t want to be with her but, she still comes and tells me she loves me even though I don’t say it back. She’s hurts herself so I’ll stay.
    --- Double Post Merged, Aug 2, 2020 ---
    And I work with her. We are in the same department at the hospital
     
    #5 Meowth6676, Aug 2, 2020
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2020
  6. Missy Chrissie

    Missy Chrissie Well-Known Contributor
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    If you don’t want to get into it there is not much advice you can get from people here. We aren’t therapists but we do have life experience and collective opinions can help.
     
  7. FTM
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    FTM Justin
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    I agree with tropical sunshine. My dad has found himself in a similar situation, and he has never really gotten out of it. My biological mother is a bitch, its a long story. But she has this way of dragging people into her orbit and making those people think they always need someone like her in their lives. With my dad it took so long until she divorced him that I don't know if he's ever gonna work through it. The first thing he did after the divorce is get a long term girlfriend that is cruel, demeaning, and a more sane version of mom. Hell, I can't even eat food mean for the entire house, because she doesn't allow it. What I'm trying to say is that a relationship like this never ends well, and it will seriously hurt you. I know this is a super strong stance I'm taking, but you need to get out. If you can't kick her out of the house, then move out and sell it. And as dumb as this might sound, try to get yourself some counseling to cope, or at least have a friend you can lean on. As for working at the same job, can you ask to be transferred or something like that? If you want to tell us, or one of us more of the story but not on a public thread you can pm (private message) us.
     
  8. TropicalSunshine
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    TropicalSunshine Great Learner
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    Please get domestic violence counseling, and also individual therapy. They are available where you live. What she is doing is classic abuse. And there ARE ways to get out. You have to decide you are worth saving, that your life is worth living. Because this situation is never going to get any better. Your present is the best predictor of the future.

    I am not going to enable you here by sugarcoating it. Your acceptance helps her continue to do what she does. You are making it easy for her to stay. This is going to be super hard on you, I'm not downplaying it at all. But if you want a happier life, it IS possible. You sound like you have a job, so you have income with which to move. You also have a good brain, and can make things VERY difficult for her, so she willingly WANTS to leave you or to leave your home. Her choice to hurt herself is NOT your fault, nor your responsibility. She sounds like she has a mental illness, or personality disorder. You can encourage her to get help, and/or medication. You can require her to go into marriage counseling. But she's an adult, and her issues, are HER choice to work on or not work on. You must focus on the only thing you have control over in this life - and that is YOUR choices.

    You also sound depressed, and I'm guessing that's a large part of why you're numbed out and stuck in this, afraid to take a risk and move forward. Like you just don't care about yourself anymore. That's a pretty common result of being in a long-term abusive relationship. You will need help to get out of the loop you're stuck in.

    I was in a relationship that lasted 14 years. We were just kids when it started. I never knew anything else in my whole adult life. It got so bad, my immune system collapsed, and I ended up deathly ill. I lost my career, friends, everything. I ended up totally financially dependent on this person, who was becoming more and more of a total nightmare to live with, and who seemed hell-bent on destroying my self esteem in the process. I was bedridden, no job, no support - and I STILL left. And you know what? It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life, and yes I felt guilty. And yes, at first it looked like my ex was going to end up committing suicide, or wasting away due to an extreme lack of self care over me leaving. And yet, I am doing a lot better today. The only thing I ask myself now, is why I didn't leave WAY sooner!
    And my ex moved on to the next victim, not even a year later - already getting married! People who need caretakers, are always gonna find a caretaker. They'll be fine.

    This is DOABLE. I know, because I did it. You just need to decide you are worth surviving. It may not feel like it, but every day is a choice. When you stay, you help destroy 2 people, because she's never going to get any better this way. When you leave, at the very least, you save one life. And then you can live, and go on to save countless other lives, because you are finally healthy and happy and functional again.

    Yes, she has rights where you live. But you also have a lot of resources there. There are many people who can help you get out, and many people who can help her deal with whatever her issues are. You are not alone in this, not at all.
    Also, you need to remember that money is not happiness. It is better to live homeless on the street, than to be in an abusive relationship for the rest of your life. I know, because I experienced it. And I was way happier temporarily homeless, because it was actually LESS chaos in my life! And when I took care of my own needs finally, things started to right themselves, and then my health and finances and social situation improved dramatically. But I had to put my own self first, for room to be cleared for that all to happen.

    I wish you happiness, and peacefulness. But in order for us to get happiness, we have to make it our first priority. No one can save you in your own life, but you. Please find the strength within you somewhere, reach out, and get help from professionals. You deserve it. Know that there are many other people on Earth, including other gay women, who know what you're going through. And also know, there is a way out of it, that will hurt at first, but be so much more fulfilling on the other side.

    [Also, a little advice - don't turn immediately to a new romantic relationship to get out of your feelings of the last one. It's super tempting, to hear nice things from someone who seems normal, after so long. But it will just plunge you into further chaos, and prevent you from being able to do the work on yourself that you need to do, to make sure you never get into something like this again. - And cheating, is not the greatest way to convince your S.O. to leave either. There are other ways to make her uncomfortable and not want to stay in the home anymore. For all of us, we stay and stay and stay, until one day it is actually easier to leave than it is to stay. And that is the only time we will finally go. Either you will finally reach a point where it is harder to stay than to leave, or you can make it so one day she reaches that point.]
     
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  9. Meowth6676

    Meowth6676 Greenhorn
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    She’s a really nice person. She’d give you her last money. But, she lies about where she’s been,time,money,texting. Nothing criminal just things to affect my trust.
    I think Topical sunshine hit it on the hard. I am in a codependent relationship. We work in a hospital Laboratory. Our jobs are laboratory specific. I can’t transfer. I appreciate all of your responses and time. I know there’s no easy fix.
     
  10. Meowth6676

    Meowth6676 Greenhorn
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    Tropical Sunshine, Wow! You got it so right! What you say is so on point! Now it’s about doing it! Thank you!
     
  11. FTM
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    FTM Justin
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    Okay, so you can't transfer. But if you have been working a the same job for a long time, then you have a lot of experience. If you quit, you can easily find another job because you have the knowledge to do the job and experience and stuff. If you need there are domestic violence centers almost everywhere that you can go to until you can get on your feet. I'm not saying it going to be easy. Nothing worth doing ever is. I don't know much about romantic realtionship since I've never been in one, but I also get that its going to hurt a lot. But there is an old saying "where there's a will there's a way" You can do it.

    One last thing. You said that she is a nice person, a good person. This may seem a bit brutal, but in my experience no one who lies as much as what your describing is nice or good. The lying to their own freaking wife (or girlfriend) is what instantly makes them bad in my book. So get the hell outta dodge, and don't look back.
     
  12. XYX

    XYX Lurker

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    Fancy a friend perhaps ? No ties ...
     
  13. Meowth6676

    Meowth6676 Greenhorn
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    I can always use friends but anything else Tropical sunshine is right I need to get out of this relationship before I move on romantically. Not implying you wanted anything more lol
     

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