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Just needing to whine

Discussion in 'Lesbian' started by latebloomer92, Nov 30, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. latebloomer92

    latebloomer92 Greenhorn

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    Im just looking for a place to whine. Possibly someone to just listen? Im not really sure.
    I am ten sorts of crazy. Im going on 28 years old, and after 8 years of marriage and a child, I finally accepted that I am gay. My husband left me, obviously. Which is fine because honestly I was out of that marriage many years ago. But he left me with the house, the bills, our child. I am struggling. Every day it just gets worse for me. My mother died this year. My best friend is no longer allowed to be alone with me or talk to me because her husband is convinced I am going to "turn her gay". I befriended a kind and wonderful woman. But my anxiety has convinced me that she is tired of me. I feel like I've chased her away with my constant whining and crying about my problems. Today was a bad day for me. I reached out for company but I was denied. I have no one to talk to. I am alone. I am ashamed of myself and my choices. I have no friends. No companion. Im failing my child. Im a mess of depression and anxiety and anger. I am just looking for others to share their story with me and let me know that I am not alone.
     
  2. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    Hi and welcome to the family. You will always have someone to talk here. Take a deep breath...you'll be ok.
    I recognise that spiral you're in and it's really hard to break it but you need to stop adding things to the pile, especially when they're not true. You're definitely not failing your child (believe me, if there's anyone who knows what failed parents are, it's me) and that part about having no friends? Now that you're here, that's also not true anymore.
    Can I offer you a big hug? We're all here to support you. You can get through this!
     
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  3. latebloomer92

    latebloomer92 Greenhorn

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    Thank you for your kind reply. I dont mean to keep adding to my pile. I try to be positive. But its those little things that push me over. Its just been a rough day. Thank you for reaching out.
     
  4. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    No problem; i know how that feels and how easy is it to keep finding more things that aren't going well. Try to celebrate your victories, no matter how small they are. That tends to help me...sometimes even making the bed in the morning is something to celebrate...
     
  5. latebloomer92

    latebloomer92 Greenhorn

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    You are right. I will work on that.
     
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  6. Bornunderabadsign
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    Bornunderabadsign Transfeminine Natural Disaster
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    Welcome to the forum. It is never to late to discover yourself. I feel for you. I know it is bad now but thing negative thoughts don't help. I don't think you have failed as a parent. You just have to reach out to friends, family, and I think in your case because you don't have much of a support system to social and community services.

    Things will get better. We are in your corner.
     
  7. Doglover44
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    Doglover44 Well-Known Contributor
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    No need to worry were all here to listen
     
  8. Jo A
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    Jo A Well-Known Ambassador
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    Welcome to a safe place to be you and be your second home, where you have a large group of people who care.

    It sounds like you never got a chance to love and respect yourself for who and what you are. Things in your world make you feel bad for being you and that does not help your self esteem.

    You said your husband left you. Did you get a divorces, if not you need to do so to protect yourself and to get the help you need to get yourself set financially.

    A lot of work which can cause pain but it is a short term pain to get your life back in order, allow you to love yourself (which is good for the kids) and lets you be proud as you move forward.

    Be you and be strong and hope another long hug filled with hope helps.
     
  9. BiBiLife
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    BiBiLife Forever in debt to your priceless advice.
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    Hi, welcome to our community. We all have that bullying inner voice that says we're failures and people don't love us anymore. But it's not true.

    Everyone here is willing to listen, offer encouragement, and give advice. This is our safe place :) 
     
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  10. latebloomer92

    latebloomer92 Greenhorn

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    Thank yall. I have not officially divorced yet. We have been separated for some months now, though. I just don't have the money to pay a lawyer to get the actual divorce going. We were a two income family with the bills I have currently, and now Im a one income household. So every penny I have is going to bills. My daughter is only five. With me being angry and depressed all the time, I feel like I am failing her. In the words of my soon to be ex- I have ruined her life by tearing her family apart. It hurts hearing that and knowing its the truth. Majority of my problems currently, I have created. I feel like i won't get to move forward until this divorce is going, but I can't get the divorce unless I have the funds, which isn't in my favor at the moment. When I say I don't have family or friends to reach out to, I mean it. Literally, not a single person. I dont even have the time to attempt to make friends with having to work all the time. To give you an idea- I work 1.5h away from my house. I work 12.5h shifts. I drop my daughter at a babysitter at 445 in the morning and pick her up at 815 at night. Her dad has her every other weekend, when I work. I barely have the time to breathe. Im picking up extra shifts at work to try and make a little more money. So that takes even more of my time from her and from myself. I've put my house up for sale to move closer to work but the house wont sell for the current price. We owe more than its worth. Hooray foreclosures. I am trying, though.
     
  11. Jo A
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    Jo A Well-Known Ambassador
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    You have no reason to be so hard on yourself for accepting who and what you are.

    You need to do what will be the hardest part first and that is to learn to love and respect yourself. You cannot move forward and help your daughter if you do not do that. She needs your love and you cannot give that if you are hating yourself.

    Check with you start Legal Bar for low or no cost services.

    The county you live in should also have services that can assist with budget planning and other services.

    I am sure others will come up with better ideas as this is family and you are not alone here.

    I wish I was there to hold you and help you see things will get better.

    Love you - Jo
     
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  12. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    None of what you just wrote shows me a mother failing her child. Not a single word.
     
  13. latebloomer92

    latebloomer92 Greenhorn

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    Yall are the sweetest. It really means alot to read these responses. I don't really know what my next step is here, but Im on the look out. I wish you all were local and could befriend me because Im telling you, just talking online to anyone has made me feel better. Im not ashamed of myself. I guess thats a bad word to have used. Im mad at myself for living this long and being so miserable. For 100% relying on someone else and for getting married so young because I was scared. Im mad that my regretful decisions are now effecting a totally helpless human who didn't ask for it. I am even mad that my four dogs (one foster, because everyone should foster) are being effected by my stupid decisions. I know I'm not the only person going through hell. Others have it much worse than I do and I feel stupid for crying about my own problems. I just wanted to be selfish I guess and cry about my own for a minute.
     
  14. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    Then cry. A good cry can be a good cleanser. We're here for you and if there's anything we can do to help please let us know <3
     

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