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Is love a decision?

Discussion in 'Bisexual & Pansexual' started by Gerwoman, Jun 4, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Gerwoman

    Gerwoman Lurker

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    I'm very confused about myself lately. It's not the first time, I soon will be 26 years old and as a teenager I always thought I might be lesbian. I even talked about it with my best friend back then and she was saying she thought so and was happy for me. I had some bad times in my life and shit got real for me quite often. I never had time to seriously think about a relationship. Then finally, at the age of 19, I met my current boyfriend. He's as sweet as one could imagine. He's supportive, loving and loyal. We had some rough times together but we pushed through and built us a happy little family together with our pets. We are making plans for our future and up until a week ago I was oh so sure we would live happily ever after. Ours could be a great life if not only I wasn't a person who overthinks a lot and always tries to reach her personal best, privately and professionally. I'm painfully self aware often times.
    My bf is great, as I mentioned. I know he's really good for my mental health. He's my safe space, I can talk about everything with him. He always stays calm and helps me to calm down often times. He also knows I'm questioning my sexuality and told me that we will be staying best friends if I'm ever going to break up with him. The thought of hurting him is very hard for me, he only deserves best in life.
    But I cannot help it... I again and again am caughting myself thinking, dreaming, imagining... I have this romantic fantasy about what a relationship with a girl could look like. I think internalised sexism is a big part of what I am imagining. I'm subconsciously thinking women are softer, more emotional and all in all more intense than men. I'm not a very sexual person so I cannot measure my sexuality with the aspect if I'm feeling physically attracted to the bodies of women. What I am imagining is not about sex it's more of a romantic fantasy as I said. I know a lot of lesbian love stories that touched me in a special way. In my dreams I often have these incredibly intense emotional relationships with women. But I know that my fantasies might be far from reality. And as I said I think it's slightly sexist to think that emotionally deep relationships only exist between women.
    Am I in love with a fantasy that's far from reality? And is it rationally spoken a choice who you are happy with? I mean... sexuality is not that big of a deal after all, I think. Or is it?
     
  2. Kahlan

    Kahlan Active Veteran
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    I think it's likely that you love him, and also love the idea of being with a woman. It doesn't appear that you love him romantically though. It seems you love him in probably a deeper way. The fact that you do not want to hurt him, is evidence of a more selfless love. It's also possible that your lack of sexual desire/fantasies/etc., for men or women, at least to the degree that it is not crucial for you, is also causing some uncertainty on your part about women..it would "seem" easier if they just turned you on with desire, and therefore, be a clear indicator. Romantic love, or feelings, desire, etc. is fickle, but clearly you desire this with a woman. You long to know what it is like, and I'm not sure that you should "plan for the future" with this guy before these conflicting emotion within you get resolved, because one sure way to hurt him badly, is to wait until you are married and have kids with him, and then have some sort of crisis.

    To answer the question...Love is foremost an action, and to a lesser degree, feelings, which to me means there is at least some conscious decision "to love" being made. I like to think of it this way..really true love is about putting others before yourself, and not being burdened by it or resentful of it. it's not obligatory, or expected, it just happens because you desire to make someone happy, even at the cost of your own well being or desires. Romantic love is a different thing, and it, unlike true love, is not as much a choice, but how you feel. I think the best relationships are those where both types of love are present. Btw, I do not think there is such thing as "sexual love." Lust is quite a different beast I think. This is why an Asexual person is very capable of love, while still lacking sexual desire. In fact, I have heard of many Asexuals who enjoy sex for no other reason than they love making their partner feel satiated in that way...to me that is a selfless love.

    Finally...Emotions and depth of them...men and women are both capable of the deep and meaningful emotion and passion you presume only women to possess. Think about the romantic literature of the world and it's histories, most of which written, acted, produced by men. Do not underestimate a man ability to love deeply and passionately and wear their emotions on their sleeve. That said, a woman may be more in touch with her emotions, in at least we can conjure them up without a second thought, they are always right there, brewing just below the surface. This may seem like a wonderful thing when contemplating a relationship with another woman, but if you are not very compatible, be warned...Pyroclastic Flows come to mind.
     
    #2 Kahlan, Jun 4, 2020
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2020
  3. Jo A
    Innocent

    Jo A ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    First - Welcome to a wonderful and safe place for you to be.

    Your BF sounds wonderful and caring. But that does not make a couple

    Kahlan is always hard to follow as she cares deeply and writes well.

    Unconditional Love is a love where you would bleed for someone if it meant they would not get hurt.

    A physical love for some one is where together you satisfy your sexual needs but your soul is empty.

    My question for you is if you could tone out the background nose around you and just feel in your soul who you are. Could you accept it your soul and heart tells you that you are a lesbian?

    I wish you luck and may you find peace in accepting yourself.

    To Kahlan - you are amazing
     
  4. Gerwoman

    Gerwoman Lurker

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    Thank you very much for what you wrote. It touched me, I can say. I'm thinking about it since yesterday and it helped me understanding that there are lots of different types of love. I again talked with him about my curiosity and considering your words I told him that I owe him honesty and certainty before we make any bigger decisions for our life together. We came to conclusion that we are sure that, no matter what, our love for each other will be surviving this whole process. Maybe it will come out in another shape but I mean it when I say that I couldn't imagine life without him.
    But I have to find a way for me and him to be happy and I seriously don't know where to search for it. I don't even know how to start this. I come from a small town and I never considered being in an 'unconventional' relationship but as my bf and I conclude yesterday maybe it's just not fair to expect one person to fulfill all your needs. My head is spinning. Thanks again for your wonderful post I will most certainly keep it in mind.
     
  5. Jo A
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    Jo A ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    I have a platonic Love and it has allowed us things most people will never understand.

    It is odd as we can sense when the other is not doing well and we check in on each other and help out.

    She helped me accept Me and taught me how to love and respect myself.

    So you are right, you and your BF can have a wonderful love.

    Do not let anyone try and take that away.

    You are trying to walk a fine line of keeping a perceived relationship going and going outside the box of normal and finding the happy spot.

    I am sorry, I cannot find the right words and I hope you understand.

    Please do not give up on accepting you and that will kill part of you and you when then be no good to any one.

    Long hug - Jo
     
  6. Gerwoman

    Gerwoman Lurker

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    Thanks for your post too, Jo and thanks for the hug, I needed that. I'm still thinking of what your first post said. I must say: self acceptance isn't exactly my biggest skill. I'm still struggling to find a mentally and physically healthy lifestyle. As I said I have this tendency for being incredibly aware of everything that's about me which can be a good thing often but almost the same amount of time can be a bad thing. That being said I don't know if I could be in an relationship with another woman especially if I'm thinking about making it public. I find it hard to imagine. But a few years ago I would have never imagined that I could find such a wonderful person and have such a great relationship as I did and have today.

    About your second post: It's awesome that you have this kind of relationship with another person. I could absolutely imagine having a platonic relationship with another person. In my past I always tended to have this intense friendships with other girls. I totally focused alot on them and had this strong feeling of a deep connection and admiration towards them... It's difficult to describe my feelings back then. The outcome of this friendships was always me being disappointed. I expected to much as I tend to do because I tend to become so invested in relationships especially with women I think. All in all I think there are just two hearts beating in my chest. One wants this overwhelming feeling of love and attraction towards another person's character and the other wants a stable and peaceful relationship without any drama. I'm being unrealistic, I know.
     

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