Internalized homophobia, etc. or asexuality?

This is quite long so,
TLDR: I think I want to have sex, etc. but whenever I get past closed-mouth kissing my body just automatically pulls itself away. I'm queer and not from a place where that's cool and I have depression and anxiety. Am I asexual/somewhere on that spectrum or have my life thus far make me feel that sex is wrong and dirty (I'm a woman who dates women)?
read on if you're so inclined 

hello everyone

I'm a 19-year-old lesbian (even though I hate that word) and sex has always been a thing that I've thought about and something that, in theory, I want but whenever I get even remotely close to anything physical I FREAK OUT. I have a lot of generalized anxiety and I'm also taking Prozac which is known for lowering libido, but this has been a thing for much longer than I have been taking antidepressants.

I had a big freak out about this about a year ago when I fell for a girl living in my dorm, she was older and an artist and funny and I always wanted to be with her. One night we were just hanging out (at this point I had kissed her once (mouth closed) after we went to a party together (and were both drunk)) and she made a move. And of course, I wanted to make out with her, I really liked her! But the second we started kissing I freaked out and pulled away immediately. Its like when people say when you start kissing someone your body just knows what to do. Well, my body decided to yank herself out of the situation. At that point I had been playing around with the term asexual for a while, it felt comfortable but also kind of weird, and had only talked about it with a few close friends. But the exact same thing happened when I was in high school, and my first (and only lol) girlfriend and I were fully dating and I had squashed any attempt she made to do anything more than a good old closed-mouth kiss. And one night she went for it and once again, as soon as she did I freaked out and pulled away. (Please forgive me for writing so much, I'm an English major is kinda just what I do)

And to add to all of that, the thing about me is that I have absolutely no concept of what "normal" is. And not in the sense of being cis and straight but more like, I genuinely thought that people just felt sad all the time and it took me YEARS before I realized I was depressed. And I thought that everyone was scared to talk to their parents about anything (I put off getting real help for much too long because I was afraid to talk to my mom about it). Anyways, the reason I'm saying all of this is, I've been doing a lot of reading recently because I have a massive crush on a very good friend of mine and recently found out she feels the same but doesn't want a relationship. SO, all of the articles and forums etc. just say "do you experience sexual attraction?" but I have literally no idea what that even feels like, am I supposed to? I feel like I have missed many important memos during my childhood and am now absolutely oblivious to everything.

So now I'm just stuck because there are lots of different things going on in my brain and I don't know how to make sense of any of it. Here's a list to make it easier on the eyes:
- I'm not sure what sexual attraction truly feels like and don't know if I've ever experienced it
- Thinking about and talking about sex makes me super uncomfortable
- BUT those are still things that I think I want to do? (but my body doesn't?)
- I'm from a pretty religious family and have a fair amount of emotional trauma from my childhood/also quarantine lol
- And was told from the day I came out to my parents, to not tell people
- My parents have always been weird about my siblings dating (I never told them anything because, gay) (either they always talk about it like its weird and alien or they pretend its not happening)

So, I guess I just don't know what the hell is going on and I know that I will probably figure this out at some point and it doesn't matter that I'm not having sex while most other people are. BUT I just want to see if anyone out there has any thought? Am I suffering from severe anxiety and internalized homophobia and the constant fetishization of wlw OR am I just not a person who wants to partake in sexual activity.

Wow if you've gotten this far, thank you. I would really appreciate any thoughts.... at all.... about anything 

 

What you describe sounds like anegosexuality to me, which is a subset of asexuality. The definition I am familiar with is as follows:

"Being anegosexual is like getting aroused at the idea of sex, but never wanting to engage in sexual acts yourself. It is like watching a sport and enjoying watching it, but feeling you would never play it yourself."

While I identify broadly as asexual myself, this definition fits my sexuality the closest in actual fact. So I decided that I'd bring up the label, because if you're like me you might never have heard of it before. Anyway, best of luck: soul-searching and finding the best terms for your own experience is tough! Hope this helps, if nothing else to eliminate an option during the hunt.​

 

Sounds like you've been through a lot! You could definitely be asexual but you could indeed also just be anxious! Anxiety can definitely change sexual experiences, it has for me in the past. Learn to love yourself and your sexuality. Losing this internalized homophobia can take a long time but you'll get there!

It's great that you're aware of the things that have held you back in the past and you're only 19, you still have plenty time to heal and figure things out. I have a friend that feels the exact same way, except she's not very anxious. She just doesn't like anything past a closed mouth kiss. And that's okay! Have patience with yourself cause you're doing great and try to get in contact with other people on the asexual spectrum to see what you relate to. Good luck and message me anytime!