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Internalized biphobia

Discussion in 'Bisexual & Pansexual' started by llena, Jul 30, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. llena

    llena celine

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    So I had a pretty open coming out/experimenting process. My older brother came out before me, so I knew how my close family would react. Most of my friends came out before me too, so I knew they would be cool with it. For a while I thought I was a lesbian, but then realized I was bi, but throughout figuring that out, I was really open about liking girls. I wore pride pins, casually came out to acquaintances, dressed more masc, etc. I’m aware I had a really privileged experience, considering I never really felt unsafe being so open about being lgbtq+.

    But recently that’s all stopped. Nothing happened to make me feel unsafe, except maybe the transition from high school to college, but no one said anything me or something like that. It was such a sudden change and I have no idea where it came from. I haven’t come out to any of my new college friends, even though I know they’re accepting. I don’t post about being bi on my social media. I’m so afraid of looking masc (partially because I really do prefer dressing femme, but I feel like little things bother me more than they should). I joined my college’s lgbtq+ club and I still felt like I needed to hide my bisexuality. Hell, my roommate wore a bi flag pin and I still didn’t want her to know I was bi too. I don’t know why I’m so scared.

    I just don’t know where these feelings came from, and so I don’t know how to help them. I know I’m bisexual, and I really do love that part of myself, but clearly something is not right. I feel guilty for worrying about “looking bi/gay” because I know that makes no sense and is harmful. I feel overwhelmed by people who are so openly part of the community, and I feel like a horrible person for it. I even feel worried about being seen with other lgbtq+ club members at my school because I don’t want people to find out I’m lgbtq+. I turned down a board position because of it. I feel so horrible and guilty. I do love this community and I’ve always loved being part of it, so I don’t know why I feel so ashamed. I would never have these thoughts about a friend, so why do I have them about myself?

    Does anyone ever have similar thoughts?
     
  2. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Dedicative Advisor
    Moderator Beloved Member

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    Can you remember ever having a negative experience coming out or even a neutral experience that maybe made you keep thinking about it afterwards and kind of bothered you wondered how they really felt about it? Have you seen something on tv or read something that might have triggered you and bothered you more than you realize? I'm also wondering if what changed for you was the fact that you are now in a brand new environment. High school to college is a big life transition, especially if you are in the dorms. You don't know the place well, you don't know any of the people, you have new classes and responsibilities, its one of the first times you feel like a full fledged adult. I wonder if just the shock from a big life change may have triggered the fear for you. Since you don't know the students at the college real well and its a lot bigger of a school, maybe you felt somehow that these kids wouldn't accept you, even if logically you know that isn't true prob. Its just because these are all people you don't know and you can't be 100 percent certain how they will react. That would be my take on it because its GOTTA come from somewhere. There's gotta be a root to it.
     
  3. Jo A
    Innocent

    Jo A ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
    Premium Supporter Beloved Member

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    Welcome to a wonderful site where we do not judge.

    We do listen and care.

    My question to you is, how to you feel about you. Skip the world. What are your thoughts on you? Do you love, respect and accept yourself?

    We are here for you and long soft hug - Jo
     

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