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I'm lost and need advice

Discussion in 'Important life issues other than LGBT' started by Ashley Nicole Derby, Jun 23, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Ashley Nicole Derby
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    Ashley Nicole Derby Hot Cookie
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    I’m not really sure where to start so I will start from the beginning. This is not about me this is about my younger sister and I feel like I have been the worst sister ever to her because she did not feel comfortable enough to talk to me when it all started. We never had a deep connection with one another and most of it was because we are two opposite people. I’m asking for some advice on this forum because I need to take care of my sister and she doesn’t want to be a burden to me and always worry about her. How can I not when last night as I’m asleep she calls me at 12 in the morning to very quietly come into her room? For her to call me and text me I already knew I was going to walk into something that was going to change me because I had had my suspicions about my sister but I never had the guts to come up to her and ask her what was wrong because she honestly seemed fine but then there would be times when I would question if she was really okay. I open her door and I see her sitting in her bed crying with her arms laid out in front of her. I sit down in front of her and I see it, the pain this world has caused her. This is so hard to say and it hurts because this is my sister I’m talking about. She cut her wrists with a pencil sharpener blade. I tried to remain calm and not freak out about it because I could see the shame in her eyes when she looked up at me. I immediately embraced her as she was sobbing in my shoulder. As she was crying all I can think is, “I should have known she was going through something” and “I never should have pushed her away when my life fell apart” In that moment all the suspicions I had were real this whole time and there was no way at the time I was going to let myself believe any of it was real because I look at the life we have and how fortunate we are to have two parents in the picture, not everyone has that. I was naive. She hardly ever eats and she told me that too, but that was something I knew already. I can’t even throw away my pain medication that I got when I had surgery because my parents would ask why it’s gone. She told me not to worry about that because she wasn’t going to take any. I never should have pushed her away when we were so close during the summer up until things went south for me. That was when we needed each other the most but I wanted to suffer alone and in doing so I left my younger sister to fend for herself. What shocked me the most was when she told me this all started back when she was in the fifth grade. That’s what brought me to absolute tears because a kid that young should not have had to go through that. She told me she would get mad for things that happened or if my parents would yell at her for lying. Her mind is her own worst enemy. The thing her and I both know is that my parents hate when we lie and I’ve been in her shoes, I know what it’s like to be chewed out by our parents especially my dad. I asked my sister if it was because she felt like she always lived under my shadow and was never given the same attention. That was one of my suspicions. She cried again and told me no, to not blame myself, which I do. I know my parents did a lot for me when I was in travel soccer so I would spend a lot of time with them and my sister never liked going. This is god awful long but I need advice because there has to be some people here that can help. I promised her that I would not tell our parents until she was ready to tell them. I plan on keeping that promise because I know what it’s like to say something when you aren’t ready. I’m worried that my parents will get angry with her which is something I’m going to fight them on if they even think that way. My mom and dad don’t know how to deal with this hard stuff because they were never close to their parents. They didn’t take me coming out very well, I disappointed my dad, and that’s the last thing I want, is for my sister to be a huge disappointment to them. She is okay right now I slept with her last night and took her out for a walk this morning and made sure she ate something. I’m going to be keeping a close eye on her and checking in on her. We definitely need to start thinking about how she’s going to overcome this. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
     
  2. ToniLes87
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    ToniLes87 Addictive Contributor
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    I'm terribly sorry for what your sister is going through. She is lucky to have you and I think it's a very positive sign she reached out to you for help and support, that means she trusts you. But I strongly believe she needs professional help. I understand that you want to hide it from your parents until she's ready but isn't there anyone else you can talk to? Another relative or family friend? A school counselor maybe? A hotline in your area or online psychologists?
     
  3. Ashley Nicole Derby
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    Ashley Nicole Derby Hot Cookie
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    Our best bet for now would be a hotline. Only people that know about this is three of her friends and two of them have actually been through what she’s going through right now. I let one of her friends know that when she’s out and she seems off to let me know so I can keep an eye on her. I know my sister will tell me what’s wrong. You saying she needs professional help scares me but it’s the hard truth. I’ll see how she’s feeling later today and bring it up. Thank you so much.
     
  4. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Dedicative Advisor
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    Ashley, please know you are such a wonderful sister for doing all that you have done, all that you continue to do. Telling someone that you self harm is incredibly difficult and takes so much bravery, I don't think it was because she felt she couldn't trust you or you wouldn't care enough, I think she was just scared. I'm so very glad she DID tell you last night, even though that's a lot for both of you to go through. I have to agree with Toni here that although you are being amazing and doing literally all you can and more, you guys have to realize this is bigger than the 2 of you. You can't hold this on your shoulders alone. Believe me, I have been RIGHT where you are, i've tried to do that. I've tried to be all the person needs, but you can't be. You guys absolutely need to tell another adult or hotline about what's been going on so that you guys can get your sister the help she needs. You may be saving her life by doing so<3 She may be terrified or get upset if you suggest it, but really and truly, it needs to happen so that nothing more happens to HER. I would also say it would be a good idea if you were open to it to maybe start seeing someone yourself because like I said, even being the person watching this happen to someone, especially your own sister, is very difficult and traumatic. Its not to be taken lightly, you need to take care of yourself too. I def. do not want to see you crumble under the weight of all this or go through this alone, nobody should have to do that. It may also help you to help her easier.

    If you ever need anything at all, help with this, someone to talk to, a friend, I am here for you<3
     
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  5. Ashley Nicole Derby
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    Ashley Nicole Derby Hot Cookie
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    And I hope she realizes this because from what we talked about yesterday getting help was the last thing she wanted. She kept telling me not to worry about her because it rarely happens, but I know that she can potentially hurt herself again. I'm going to try and see if I can get her to realize how serious this is because she seems to think she can take care of it. She is scared when thinking about getting help, she even thinks the doctor will say nothing is wrong with her. I appreciate you for giving me this advice, it means a lot to me.
     
  6. ToniLes87
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    It doesn't matter if it happens rarely, the thing is it DOES happen. It's the same when we have a toothache or we break our arm for example. These things also happen rarely but when they do we go to the doctor. So I think you should try to explain that to her. I'm not a specialist but I know that when someone hurts his/herself physically is probably because they can't stand the emotional pain they are going through. It seems that your sister has piled up a lot inside and she needs to get rid of that load.

    Also, if she has a hobby, if she's good or even talented at anything, singing, dancing, writing, gaming, playing music, drawing, sports, whatever encourage her to focus on that. Tell her that she is special, that she is worthy and unique, that there is no other person on earth like her. In other words try to help her boost her confidence as much as possible. And Starlightprincess is right, you have to get help for yourself too. Even if she doesn't agree to see or speak to a therapist now, you can reach out to someone to advise you how to handle the situation.

    I really hope things turn out good for both of you. You can message me if you need more support or anything xxx
     
  7. proudlyodd

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    First off, I would say please don’t beat yourself up over not knowing that she was not OK. I think when we’re hurting we can hide it so well if we feel like nobody understands. I think it’s a good sign though that she trusted you enough to open up to you that she was hurting. It shows that a part of her wants help. My advice would be to continue to be a support to her, let her vent to you, she needs someone to listen to her and let her know she will be OK even if right now everything seems dark. You can’t control how your parents will react I’m sure you’re aware of that. Though I think in the end it is the best for them to know so they can give her the help she needs. When she is ready to tell them. Maybe she could write your parents a letter explaining everything when she is ready- sometimes its easier to talk through a letter than face to face (hence why i think people are more open talking online) But like I said it’s great that she has you at least right now to help her on that path.I know it sucks when you don’t know what to do and you just want to fix someone’s problems and take away the hurt. Just continue to show her love and that your opinion of her doesn’t change. Maybe even venting to her about how you felt about coming out? sometimes hearing about others hurting like you are can make you feel a little less lonely. I think for what she just opened up to you about that you are doing a good job At supporting her. I truly hope all of these comments can help ease your mind and give you confidence in your ability to help your sister. I think ultimately she should see a therapist though but that’s just my opinion. Take care
     
    #7 proudlyodd, Jun 24, 2020
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2020
  8. Ashley Nicole Derby
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    Ashley Nicole Derby Hot Cookie
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    She has for years and I know how it feels in someway. I know I can persuade her to let me find her help. Honestly I wasn't expecting this much feedback which is comforting. You all are amazing.
     
  9. Ashley Nicole Derby
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    I agree, letters are always a good idea. It's how I came out to my parents a second time because clearly they needed a reminder. I think my sister can really say what she needs to say in the form of a letter because this is hard to talk about especially to our parents. Once my parents know about this I'm sure they will take her to a therapist. My head isn't spinning as much now you all gave me some confidence, so thank you!
     
  10. starlightprincess

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    I think a letter is a fabulous idea<3 You can even help her write it if she feels she needs help putting everything into the right words. But yeah, most important thing is help needs to be found for your sister, it's not even a question, it's a necessity. Like Toni was saying, I understand she's scared (as anyone would be), and I understand that she feels she only feels that low sometimes, but its the fact that it happens at all and every time it does, she risks her life. 2nd most important thing is making sure you have support so YOU aren't alone. Never hesitate to message any of us<3
     

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